Sunday, December 29, 2019

Fingerless Mitts

(Topic: knitting, Christmas gifts)

Hi Friends!

For Christmas this year, I decided to knit one present - a daring act, since I often procrastinate or take on too much, and end up with nothing done! But I picked a smallish project that ended up going faster than anticipated, so my Dad got a finished gift for Christmas!

One of his jobs is being a translator from home, which involves a lot of typing. His office is on the second floor of the house and is often slightly cool, so add having your arms extended for mousing and typing, and your hands end up cold! This was a great project to combat that without compromising his ability to type.

The project is a basic fingerless mitt, without a special thumb warmer section. It's really straightforward if you're comfortable doing ribbing, and the thumb hole is basically a horizontal buttonhole.

I used 100% wool Lion Brand yarn from my stash, in a cheery Christmas red! I warned Dad not to throw them in the dryer, but beyond that they should be pretty durable.

The body of the mitt didn't take too long to knit - just a few pleasant hours with friends or with a movie!

The original pattern picture.

One done! Just need to tuck in those ends.

The second one approaching final length.

And, done! Unfortunately I didn't get a pic of them on the recipient, but they fit him great!

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Thursday, December 26, 2019

Support and How I Changed

(Topic: grief after loss support, holidays)

Our mantle, stockings, and present area - no tree this year.

Hi Friends,

This year is different. This is our 4th Christmas after Charlie died, and every year has been different, but this year is really different.

For the last 3 years, my reaction to Christmas has been what you see in support articles: a combo of needing to be involved, but not wanting to be involved; feeling angry; feeling left out; feeling overwhelmed.

Titles of articles I'm seeing this year:
Grief at Christmas
What's to be Done About the Empty Stocking
A Letter to the Grieving Mom This Holiday Season
6 Ways To Survive The Holidays Without Your Child
Dear Santa: On Christmas In Heaven
10 Simple Reasons the Holidays Hurt
My Wish For Christmas After Child Loss
Getting Real About Another Holiday Season After Loss
7 Ways To Ease The Pain For Bereaved Loved Ones This Holiday Season
Five Simple Ways to Include Your Child in the Holidays
Dear Loss Mama: It’s Ok To Grieve This Christmas
The First Year – Navigating These Seasons When Your Child Has Died
Creating New Holiday Traditions

There is nothing wrong with any of these blogs and articles. They are all valid views, and many would have been comforting to me in the past and are probably helpful to new loss parents.

But this year is different.

I'm in a different headspace about the holiday, and it's really helping me. I wrote about a new approach, a new perspective, that occurred to me this year. Instead of being a grinch, and thinking about Mary as actually having a baby, which created a lot of jealousy, reframing it as a memorial birthday really helped. Now I think of it as a loss mom - not an infant loss mom, but still, related - who is remembering fondly the birthday of her loved one, and hoping to see him in heaven again someday. That, I can get behind.

That doesn't mean I didn't have sad moments.

I totally did. But they were isolated, and didn't tinge the whole holiday for me!

The moment that got me was singing Silent Night. It's a lullaby, and the alto part is pretty too, and it's about holding a silent baby - really, this author says it so well I cried again reading this article:
In The Pain And Holiness Of Silent Nights



Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Saturday, December 21, 2019

Pan Handle Potholder

(Topic: Crochet, sewing, cooking)

Hi Friends!

Recently we noticed that our cast iron pans with bare handles (as opposed to wooden handles) are easier to pick up when we have a dedicated potholder shaped like the handle rather than just wrapping one around it.

I figured, that would be something easy to make! So I crocheted one, using cotton yarn:

Crocheted exactly to the specs of our pan handles!

Added a loop so I can hang it up with our other potholders on the kitchen wall!

I also lined it with a double layer of cotton flannel for extra heat protection, stitched along the bottom edge to prevent slippage. It works really well!!


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Wednesday, December 18, 2019

Words About Death - Part II

(Topic: Words, Death, Reactions, Triggers)

Hi Friends,

A few weeks ago, I posted about 15 words related to death that I either liked or disliked, and shared my reasons why I find some to be better than others.

I don't often have a lot of people comment on my posts, here or on Facebook or instagram (where I share the links) but I often do have a few people reach out and chat with me about what I wrote. I love those conversations! Sometimes I learn a lot, too.

After that post about words, though, several people reached out to me, and not all of them were the people who most frequently reply! I wanted to address a couple of the concerns and points that were brought to my attention.

One of the concerns people had was that they had used a word that I found problematic. First of all, if you're doing your best, I'm not likely to be offended even if I disagree with your word choices. Second, if I find the word choice problematic, I will almost certainly let you know! I know that most people are well intentioned, and don't realize the deeper ramifications of their word selections. So I will likely explain and help you understand my reasons, but I will not be offended. Generally, I write posts like that to help people see my perspective, to give them some context for when they next have to choose words; I don't generally write because I have been super offended (opinionated, yes; offended, not usually!).

One of the other comments I got was that I'd missed some important words.
I limited myself to 15 because it made a good post length - there are so many words I could have included!!! I tried to hit the top several I personally consider to be either really bad or really good. But they were based solely on my own experience - several examples were given to me based on other peoples' experiences. They are just as valid as my own experiences, but simply didn't make my list because I haven't encountered them as much. If there are specific words or topics you would be interested in seeing me address, please feel free to reach out! If I have enough words to make another post (with enough context that I feel comfortable writing about them), I might make another list.

Thank you for reaching out and talking to me about what I wrote! I always hope that what I write is helpful or makes people think, and it's nice to hear people's reactions.

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Wednesday, December 11, 2019

Why Can't I Write?

(Topic: Effects  of grief, reading/writing)

To the teachers who told me I was a good writer:

Was I really? I was an avid writer. I loved words, and playing with their sounds and cadences. But was I a good writer, really? I wrote so much in college, but it was rhythm and sound without soul, empty. I look back at the poetry now, so many pages of it, and so much of it is hollow. Did I write well? I wrote. I practiced, I learned techniques, but I hadn't lived.
And now, the bottom fell out of my world, and I cannot write. I stare at a page where before, poetry would have danced out of my mind, and it is blank. My pen hesitates, and I cannot form thought to word. I am stuck, in the place where my soul wants to cry, and my voice is broken from weeping. Is that why my poetry was so flat? I hadn't had my soul rent, and so I thought dancing words was all there was? Now my soul wants to wail in beauty and instead I am locked in silence and pain.
There is beauty in my brokenness - I see it, my eyes are not blind. I see, I hear, I feel so dangerously at the pinnacle of experience, so many things at once, yet find the words abandon me, the phrase-music is tied in the knots of my pain and I cannot sing it.


Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Saturday, December 7, 2019

Pookie Visits Euclid Beach Park

(Topic: Beach, adventures, teddy bear)

Hi Friends!

This week we happened to be visiting Cleveland, Ohio, and at one point I was in Euclid with a couple hours to kill. Pookie and I looked at google maps and picked out a likely looking park!


Pookie on a swing. I wasn't rocking him, the wind was!! The video below gives you some sense of how strong the wind was...



Looking "out to sea". I'm surprised he didn't blow over! You can tell it's windy, though, because his ears blew back!!

We made it right down to the water. Pookie liked this driftwood log.

Euclid Beach Park was originally a swim beach back in the early 1900s that then transitioned into a summer getaway area for Clevelanders, and eventually transitioned into an amusement park, which stayed in business until the late 1960s. You can still see the carousel from the 1920s in the Western Reserve Historical Society museum in Cleveland.

Pookie trying to take a selfie, but his arms are short! If you look closely, way off in the distance (about 12 miles) you can see the Cleveland skyline.

The small current pier, much shorter than the one from the 1920s. Would be a nice place to sit if you're not being blasted by strong steady winds coming in across the lake at nearly freezing temps!

Now, I think there's a larger sign somewhere in Cleveland proper, maybe just west of downtown? I'm not sure. But this one was a great size for sassy "I'm not cold at all" Pookie!

Are we done taking pics yet, Mama? My ears might be a little cold after all.

A section of boardwalk. You can see one of the stone breakwaters behind him. The waves were making big sprays as they hit them! I didn't time this photo to catch it, but I have one below that does.

In the sling, heading back to the car, trying to block the wind from his ears! We didn't know we'd be going to the beach, or I'd have brought his hat and mittens.

Sploosh!

I could have used a few extra layers, and didn't realize it till evening but my cheeks got windburned. It was such a fun hour on the beach, though, and Pook was such a good sport with all the picture posing!!


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Wednesday, December 4, 2019

How I'll Think About Christmas This Year

(Topic: Grief, Religion, Christmas, Pregnancy)

Hi Friends,

Christmas, and particularly the figure of Mary, can be a bit complicated to come to terms with after experiencing infant loss. I've written about this before, exploring how the themes of pregnancy and happy arrival can be very difficult for a loss parent. I've felt sad, during the Christmas season, and I've felt bitter, and I've felt jealous. I struggle with this, since the overwhelming cultural push is to be Merry TM. So it's difficult when you don't fit that mold, and feel doubly bad - first, just the feelings you're feeling, and second, guilt that you aren't happy like you "should be".

This year, though, while talking to a pastor yet again to see if I could figure out a way through the season with less emphasis on jealousy and bitterness, I had an idea, a thought, about Mary and her relationship to Jesus, that just might help.

You see, although Judaism as a religion does not seem to really mark birthdays, and ancient Judaism probably not either, it occurred to me that, as a Christian, we are marking  Jesus' birthday in the holiday of Christmas. And it occurred to me that Jesus is not actually born every year - we are remembering the birthday of one who, long ago, lived then died (then lived again, then went away to heaven). He is gone from Mary's presence and ultimately ours, and we hope, someday, after death to be reunited.
How is that different from me marking Charlie's birthday every year??
It occurred to me that in some ways, it's not. Obviously, Jesus is more widely admired and remembered than Charlie, but when it comes to the feelings I go through, it's viscerally the same: We miss them, we remember them, and we hope (in Christian Hope) to be reunited someday, after our earthly days, at the heavenly river.

I don't actually know if this mindset will help me not feel jealous and bitter this year, but it felt like such a lightning bolt of inspiration and hope, and felt so right, that I have the feeling it might be just the perspective shift I needed.

May this holiday season fall peacefully upon you, regardless of which religion you follow and which traditions feel heavy. May peace rest in your soul.

With love,

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Sunday, December 1, 2019

Thanksgiving with Pookie

(Topic: Thanksgiving, Holidays, Weighted Bear/Pookie)

Hi Friends!

Many loss parents struggle with Thanksgiving - it's a holiday with a lot of family coming together, and not all families are completely understanding and supportive.

My husband and I are lucky. Our families are both really supportive overall, and my family's Thanksgiving traditions are pretty laid back and don't involve a lot of extended family. This year, my hubby's parents joined my family for dinner.

I really just consider it an unusually elaborate and large family dinner. It's nice to hang out with my parents and sibs.

So this year, I'm going to show you a couple of pictures of how my weighted bear, Pookie, was part of the celebration, and how Charlie was represented in the dining room.

With our move this summer and hectic schedule this fall, it's been way too long since Pookie had a bath! We wanted him fluffy and clean for the holiday :)

Clean Pookie airing out before getting dressed! Sorry for the blur, not sure what my camera was doing this week.

Ready to head out. He packed the suitcase, and chose his turkey pjs and beaded moccasins to wear for the holiday.

We had a bit of time to visit Charlie (he's buried near my parents' house). It was a nice way to include him in the day even if he's not super present during the meal.


Pookie visited and chatted with everyone! Here he's sitting next to his granddad.

I asked my mom to let me set Charlie's picture and candle in the dining room on the sideboard. It wasn't safe to have it lit in that spot, but it was super nice anyway. I loved having his picture present.

I hope your Thanksgiving was gentle. If it wasn't, I send my love and thoughts to you, and Pookie offers a hug.


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss