Gardening with Pookie

(topic: gardening at a grave)

Dear Friends,

Several weeks ago, Pookie and I had a fun little adventure!

What a fine looking garden! Still though, could always use a little touch-up.

Cute gardener to the rescue! Goodness, gardening in a waistcoat? How dapper!

Look at him go! The drop-cloth in the foreground is under the picnic blanket that we use when visiting (if not actively cultivating...)

When one can't kneel, one sits on the kneeling pad! :)

Such a nice day!

Before...

...and after! Pretty fence installed! Pookie took his shoes off to rest on the blanket after all that work.

Pookie posing with his hard work!

Yours,

Sarah

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A Little Bit of Embroidery

(topic: embroidery, designs)

Dear friends,

Recently I got my mother a dishtowel as a gift, but when she unpacked it, realized it was twice the size she usually uses! Easy to fix: most of the towel was blank, so I just cut it in half, and hemmed the edges. Voilá: the part with the design is now on a towel of the right size, and now I'm in possession of a blank tea towel! It took very little time for me to realize that the blank towel was, in fact, a blank... well... not technically a canvas! I decided to make a matching design.

Here's the original design, printed on the towel:

Step one: trace the design from the original towel to the blank one, using a light box. Here's the traced design, in blue fabric chalk, with the beginnings of my backstitch outline.

And here it is, with more done (bad lighting, sorry):

Now we're getting close! I've done all the outlines, all of the stitches in both the shades of yellow I chose - this includes the stripes of the bee (satin stitch). Also, I've now done both shades of green, plus the blue/gray buds, which are worked in french knots.

And, done! I'm really happy with this:

The back of the work is pretty tidy, and yes, I do knot my thread, and here's why: If I were going to frame and display this, or use it in something where the back is hidden, I would want a smooth finish, so I would take time to hide longer tails, and depend on friction to keep them from working loose. But for a tea towel, which will be used for drying dishes, and which will go through the laundry, I need to make sure that the threads are firmly anchored and will not come loose with a tug. So, knots. They are small, and fairly buried, and like I said, I keep the back neat so that it looks ok since it's not hidden. I'm really pleased with how it came out, and especially since it's been several years since I've done embroidery.


Yours,

Sarah

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To Buy or Not To Buy, That is the Question

(topic: grief vs. preparing for a next child)

http://www.gracobaby.com/en-US/Traditional-Playards/travel-lite%3Csup%3E-reg%3B%3C-sup%3E-crib-with-stages

I don't know if you have heard, but all of the Toys R Us and Babies R Us locations in the US are closing. I'm not sure what the long range effect will be, but the short term effect is that they have sales and discounts as they empty their warehouses, and many larger items (while still pricey) may have significantly diminished price tags.

I mentioned this to my husband, specifically because I knew they carry those little blankets with a stuffed animal head, and theoretically one of the ones they carry is a tiger. I went in to the store during the day to scout things out (no tiger) and in the process realized that now might be the time to buy a bassinet or other bed, since that and a high chair and stroller, is really the only thing we need but don't have, since we ended up pretty well equipped in preparation for Charlie.

Once I scouted and got some prices, I talked it over with hubby, and we decided it made sense for me to get one, and since the store had a 10% sale on top of the already cut prices, it made sense for me to go that night after dinner. But once I was in the parking lot, staring at the store, I was massively conflicted about going in, much less buying the bed.

Here's the thing. It's as if I have 2 minds: logic brain, and heart brain. Logic brain is the one that weighs pros and cons, and does the math. Heart brain is where all the logic gets thrown out the window, and all the emotions come to live.

When we were discussing the idea at the dinner table, logic brain was talking. Since we plan to have another child, and would seriously consider adopting if it doesn't work for us biologically (and maybe even if it does), we have a guaranteed need for these sorts of items. The math also made sense: closing sales, plus that day's bonus 10%: really, it was either this, hope someone gives us one, or buy something second hand (or, maybe, wait till we have more money to spend on things like this). But you'll notice, except for buying now, all the other options have detractors (such as prior users, or hoping for something - not a for-sure option). So it made sense.

But when I was sitting in the parking lot, heart brain started talking. It said some things that are based in my experience, and my emotions, and thus made sense for me to feel, but it was not logical. Heart brain was saying things like this:
- You may never need a bed - what if you don't get pregnant again?
- What if you buy a bed and don't get pregnant. Waste of money!
- What if buying a bed jinxes you so you don't get pregnant?

Heart brain was ignoring a lot of things. But heart brain had also noticed that there were a lot of pregnant ladies there, too, and was feeling overwhelmed.

As it was, I messaged two of my best friends, and asked them for support, because I was feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed, even though the purchase made sense. And one told me I could do it, and the other told me it was ok to cry in Babies R Us - she'd done it, and lots of people do it!

And I got out of the car and went in. I pretended I was shopping for Pookie, which I do at resale stores a lot (he wears 3-6 month sizes, unless it's a button collar, in which case he needs a size up!). I saw a rainbow outfit I liked, which I bought with Next Baby in mind. And I safely made it to the beds, with only 1 pregnant woman encounter. It ended up being more complicated to pick one out than I'd anticipated, but concentrating on the details (logic brain!) helped me stay calm. I got the bed! I paid, and I got it to the car!

It was hard. It was emotional. Even driving home there was a voice questioning if I'd wasted money or jinxed things (and I don't believe in jinxes). But I know I did the right thing, because no matter what, some day, I'll have a little one to put into it.

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Look at all the babies

(Topic: Grief vs. other people's pregnancies/babies)

Dear Friends,

Lately, I feel like every single person I know is having a baby - including about half my grief group members, local friends, Facebook friends, and even our favorite waitress at the diner we go to every week. This, itself, has been hard for me, but then - Princess Kate had her new little one too. Babies everywhere, and none for me.

I'm on a number of pregnancy and infant loss Facebook groups, and many of them pass around information, news articles, and blog posts that are relevant to current events. Mostly, it ends up being about people who have a loss or who advocate for those who do, but occasionally there are posts that end up specifically addressed to members of the loss community. When Princess Kate stood beautifully for the cameras holding a lace-wrapped princely bundle, a post came out addressed to moms - like me - for whom that image is painful. I'd like to share the link here, for those of you who are interested: https://www.mamamia.com.au/sad-about-royal-baby-news/

[I'm not including an image of the royal family here. It would be too hard for me to see]

The thing is, I'm not sad for the Princess - I'm happy for her. I'm happy her baby is healthy, and, more simply, alive. I'm happy that she has a new little one to cuddle and love and care for. But I'm so insanely jealous it hurts, and seeing her picture (and those of my friends on Facebook) makes the emptiness in my arms that much more tangible. I'm happy for my friends, I'm happy for the grief group members who are growing their own rainbow babies*, and I'm happy for my waitress, too. But I'm sad for myself, for my empty arms, and for my broken heart.

But the thing is, I also feel sorry for the Princess: I wish she had private time to recover, and to snuggle and enjoy. I wish that birth and death were more respected by the media, and given more private space. Plus, I can't help thinking about the terrible outcomes that didn't happen: What plans did the royal advisors have in place if something went wrong? Would the media have been told to back off? I hope so.These are the thoughts that occur to me, and I know that, because of similar thoughts, some who have further children after a loss decide to hold off on a baby shower or similar preparation, because we don't know that it will turn out ok. Others decide to make the most of the time they have, and do ALL the celebration - because they want good memories, even if things turn out badly. I don't know where I fall, yet, because I'm not going through it, yet. It seems to be very personal, which way people lean.

Another reason that it hurts so much to see the Princess, smiling, with her third little one in her arms; and the reason I sometimes unfollow friends on Facebook with small children; and the reason I cried at the diner; is that I'm hoping so hard, wishing so hard, to have another little one of my own. We want to give Charlie a little brother or sister, and we also want the experiences of being a diaper-changing mama and papa, because that is what we were hoping for with Charlie. With Charlie, we got turned into a memory-keeping mama and papa - which is a very important job - but that was not what we had been picturing. We'd like to reapply for the diaper job, please!

I'd like to try to describe what it feels like, sometimes, when I see a picture. I'm not sure I can completely capture it... When I see good news of someone's baby, a birth announcement, a carseat picture on the way home from the hospital, or just a cute wee one in mama's arms, the first thing I feel is a knot in my stomach. Over time I've learned that it is a knot of sad, which often only unravels with tears. I see the picture, and I see what I don't have, but twice: what I never got with Charlie, and what I don't yet have with a next child. The next thing I feel is hate, for the mother (not hating the mother herself, mind you). As that passes, I realize that it isn't hate, just really strong jealousy. And then I usually look away, scroll more, or change my activity, because it is too painful, sometimes, to be faced with what I don't have. Sometimes I cry.

There are many people dealing with loss, or infertility, or other related issues, who may not be able to view the joy of someone else's baby with the expected happiness. I only know it from my own perspective, that of a prior loss but with the possibility of a future child or children. I cling to hope. But sometimes it still hurts.

Yours,

Sarah


* Some terms to know that are commonly used in the pregnancy/infant loss community:

• Sunshine baby (a child before the loss)
• Angel baby (the loss - I have also seen "star baby" though I don't see it often)
• Rainbow baby (after the loss, which is the "rain", comes the rainbow - and you can't have a rainbow without first having rain)

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Mother's Day 2018

(Topic: Grief vs. holidays)

Hi Friends,

Today is the day before Mother's Day, and I'm nervous. I'm nervous about being invisible, I'm nervous about being too visible, I'm nervous about doing it without kids, I'm nervous about crying, I'm nervous about being recognized in church and getting emotional.

Invisible, because without a child in tow, no-one would know I'm a mom, unless I'd told them. I'm invisible unless I tell my story, because even Pookie is just a teddy until he has context and a backstory.

Too visible, because while I want to participate - because I am a mom! - I still don't want to make waves of awkward as I do it. I want to be a mom and have people just let it be true.

Doing it without kids, because the visible children are what people are used to, what they believe. There are lots of invisible moms out there, though. Those who have struggled with early losses, too, not just late loss like mine. Please understand that, while our experience is different, we still mother our children by keeping their memory fresh.

Crying, because it is overwhelming to see so many visible moms being held up as wonderful - and they really are wonderful - it's just not all there is to being a mom, and often loss mamas get left out.

I'm sure I'll get emotional, and I won't let that stand in the way of any kind of recognition that happens that day, but I still get nervous about it. But I'll stand up: for my Charlie, and for me, and for all the invisible mamas that don't want to make waves of awkward or stand up without a child. But I see you sitting there, and I'll stand up for you, my friend.

Sending love out to all the invisible mamas. Love to you on mother's day, because you are one.


Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

MWAH, prompt from May 7 - Name

Pookie's First Flight

[trigger warning: this post will discuss themes related to strong emotion, miscarriage, fear, and grief]

 Dear Friends,

Guess who just took his first airplane flight?!? [and probably his last... more on that later].

We recently took a trip to Boston, and this was the first time I'd flown with Pookie. Previously, all trips we've taken with him have been some form of road trip.

The first exciting moment was when we got to the security checkpoint at the departure airport. I had Pookie in my carry on, so he'd be with me, plus I wouldn't quite trust the baggage handlers to not lose him or something... This was an airport in a smaller city, and despite Pookie's X-ray showing the sand weights inside of him as just "dense", they swabbed him down, he came up clean, and the young man who was the agent swabbing him down was very receptive to my explanation of "please be careful, he's a bereavement bear who is weighted to weigh the same as my son who died..." to which his response was "that is such a good idea!" We cleared security with no issues and went on our way.

Pookie liked being up high. I love being up high. We had a reasonable flight, layover, and flight, though a little bumpy because the weather was gusty.

I've already posted about Pookie's adventures in Boston. I'll skip over that, and tell you about the day we left Boston.

After our visit in Boston was over, I was ready to go home. I'd over-done it a bit, had a sore foot, and was having an off day. Then a character in my book had a miscarriage, and then a friend did too, so I was hearing about that all day... all that to say, I wasn't exactly in a great place starting the whole travel home. I'd already been weepy on and off, and was generally really ready to just get back to the comfort of my own home.

When in the airport in Boston, we'd successfully checked our bags despite having to rearrange some weight, and had plenty of time to spare. The security line was completely empty, so we thought this would go smoothly! I always opt out for personal reasons, and choose to be patted down rather than walk through the x-ray gates. For some reason, I was waiting forever, while my carry on and purse were already long since on the other side (and, incidentally, not within my view, either).

Eventually, a female agent finally came around to pat me down, and asked me where my things were. I pointed out 2 of my bins, and then as I saw the third bin with Pookie - unsurprisingly having been selected to be swabbed down - I saw Calvin's face, and my heart started to pound. I knew something was wrong and that it would not be as simple as it was on the way there.

As I was getting patted down, hubby and the other agents filled me in that, because Pookie's insides look dense and funny on x-ray, we couldn't touch him, and they had literally called the bomb squad. Despite the swab coming up clean. I started to shake and get very upset, as they hemmed and hawed, and wouldn't let us near the bear (though the female agent was very kind, and made sure that while she finished the pat down, I was facing Pookie the whole time, and she held a box of tissues near me for most of the rest of this story).

When the bomb squad agent came, he asked about the x-ray and about the swab: and despite it being clean, since he had been called and because the x-ray just shows that the sand is dense, and doesn't show what it is, and since the other agents didn't believe our (true) story about what a Molly Bear is, he had to check things himself. At this point he told us that he has, in the past, actually cut open teddy bears, to sample the sand and make sure it's not problematic. This, however, is problematic on another front: this is traumatic for the loss parents, since the bear is a stand-in for their child. It is traumatic to be flagged as a threat, when you are flying with a bear that is supposed to bring you comfort. And it is particularly traumatic when they think your poor little bear is a bomb threat, and start threatening him with knives. Not only that, but the bears are weighted to the tenth of an ounce! Cutting open the bear and taking a sample to test could ruin that, which would be horrible too.

The bomb squad man seemed (a tiny bit) sorry to be putting us through this, though the other agents didn't seem to be. But at this point he talked down to me, and said that "bad guys" (literally his wording) use teddy bears to smuggle things. And he only said that he had cut open bears, not that he was about to do it to Pookie, but it was pretty strongly implied that he was considering it. Eventually he said that we would have to expect this treatment at any airport we went through (we didn't, obviously, but we don't know which airports will have hyper agents and which have more humane agents, so that's a gamble). And I asked what our options would be - if we don't want him threatened with surgery. He said an option would be to put the bear in the checked baggage. I didn't say it in reply - but they scan those too, and open those when I'm not there to defend Pookie! So NO WAY IN H.... would I trust that option! So it seems our only option would be to NEVER FLY AGAIN.

At some point the other agents, including a supervisor, seemed to get tired of watching me try not to hyperventilate, and said loudly in their huddle of agents that "THIS YOUNG LADY IS CLEARLY QUITE DISTRAUGHT, CAN WE FIND A SOLUTION?" After which they muttered for a bit and decided to let us go, but with a strong warning.

As you can imagine, this was absolutely terrifying to go through. And very, very difficult to relive, as I have been typing. Hubby was just as upset as I was, and it took us a very long time to calm down. We both looked reasonably calm by the time we boarded our plane, though we were still quite overwrought by the experience. And as you can imagine, neither of us ever wants to go through airport security with Pookie again. Pookie himself was very patient through it all, and gave marvelous hugs to me and Daddy (hubby) as soon as we were through. But despite the fact that I love planes, we will not be flying again. And if you have a weighted bear, I urge serious caution about traveling with them by plane - at least as long as airport security functions the way it currently does. The sense of relief when we'd finished the layover and second flight and got out of the airport and finally to our own car, on our own terms... it was such a long trip. We were so glad to get home.


Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

MWAH May 6 - Mother

Interestingly, today is international bereaved mother's day.

Headwrapping and head covering - historically

(Topic: Historical Fashion)

Hi Friends!

A friend of mine recently started wearing headwraps, and I ended up trying them too, after someone suggested they may help with my anxiety (mixed results: once they are on, I at least perceived a certain amount of comfort from them, but getting them on sometimes was more stressful...).

Well, with my interests, it seems only natural that I should explore some of the historical uses of headwraps and head coverings! They are all over the place, in many cultures, eras, religious traditions, and even high fashion! My knowledge of historical fashion is mostly limited to Europe, which for much of history has been Christian, though, so most of my examples will be from that demographic. However, many many other times, religions, and places have their own twist (ha!) on head coverings, too, so do some digging! You'll find lots of beautiful people with beautiful head wear!

To be clear, I'm going to focus on women, and on head wear that was for the whole day (not just when going out, like a hat or bonnet, or for specific occasions, like a wedding veil). I will be focused on Europe but will include a few other regions, and focused on more recent eras from the middle ages to nearly now, but will throw in a few older examples too.

Note: there are many eras, regions, and cultures in which having fancy hair was the thing, even in "ancient" cultures, and many where it was usual to cover the hair. There are also many where men and women did not wear head coverings, and many where both did. It varies widely. Even today, it varies widely, even if you are only looking at the western world: In the US, some observant Jews wear head coverings, as do some segments of African American society, as well as Christian nuns, the Amish and some Mennonites, and some conservative Christians cover their hair with a pinned on piece of lace or a small kerchief. However, we largely no longer always cover our heads when leaving the house (which used to be what everyone did). Since the 1960s, it's no longer de regure to wear a hat when away from home.

Fig. 1, from Source B, pg 41. "Head-dress of Shub-ad (Pu-abi), Queen of Ur". Ancient Mesopotamia (Sumerian), about 4th Millennium BC.

Fig. 2, from Source A, pg 172.
Ancient Mesopotamia (Sumerian), about 4th Millennium BC.

Fig. 3, from Source A, pg 80. "Marble statuette of a goddess. Late Minoan" 1580-1450 BC

Fig. 4, from Source A, pg 97. "Woman's head-dress from Thebes. Eighteenth Dynasty" 1580-1320 BC Egypt

Fig. 5, from Source F, pg 66. Etruscan, with shawl. 800-200 BC

Fig. 6, from Source A, pg 112. Etruscan, 700-575 BC

Fig. 7, from Source F, pg 75. Statue from 1st Century. Palla.

Fig. 8, from Source F, pg 93. Byzantine, late 5th Century.

Fig. 9, from Source A, pg 177. "Countess Uta, Naumberg Cathedral" 13th Century

Fig. 10, from Source F, pg 108. Fillet and barbette, and coif. Ca. 1225-1250

Bonus picture: me wearing a fillet and barbette! No coif (cap) underneath, though. Sometimes a veil is worn on top, too.

Fig. 11, from Source F, pg 130. 14th Century

Fig. 12, from Source A, pg 201. 15th Century

Fig. 13, from Source F, pg 158. Early 15th Century. Peasant.

Fig. 14, from Source A, pg 208. From Roger van der Weyden's "Portrait of a Woman", painted 1433

Fig. 15, from Source A, pg 190. From Jan van Eyck's "Jan Arnolfini and his Wife", painted 1435. Frilled/stacked veils.

Fig. 15, from Source F, pg 174. France, ca. 1500 "coif with lappets"

Fig. 16, from Source F, pg 163. Early 16th century. Turban-like head-dress

Fig. 17, from Source F, pg 182. Flemish, ca. 1535. Coif, small hood.

Fig. 18, from Source F, pg 182. Late 16th, by Anthonis Mor von Dashorst, "Portrait of Margaretta of Parma". Coif.

Fig. 19, from Source A, pg 289. From J.D. de Saint-Jean's "Peasant Woman from the Paris Region", late 17th Century

Fig. 20, from Source F, color section. "Mrs. Elizabeth Freake and Baby Mary" unknown artist, Massachusetts settlers. ca 1674

Fig. 21, from Source F, pg 230. late 18th century. Cap, from the back.

Fig. 22, from Source A, pg 334. "Formal toilette in muslin, toupée head-dress, 1797"

Fig. 23, from Source A, pg 371. Carl Begas' "The Begas Family" painted 1821. Note only the older/married woman wears a cap.

Fig. 24, from Source E, pg 12. ca. 1842, Sophia Jones Ireland, age 69

Fig. 25, from Source D, pg 54. Ca. 1847. Daycap.

Fig. 26, from Source C, pg 11. 1860s. Velvet ribbon hairnet.

Fig. 27, from Source C, pg 10. Fine net, worn over dressed hair. 1860s.

Fig. 28, from Source C, pg 15. Older hairstyle on an older woman. Daycap with large lappets/ties. 1860s.

Want to learn more? AWESOME! First off, your local public library is a great place to start. If they don't have historical fashion books, they can probably get them by borrowing them from another library for you, called "interlibrary loan" (there are several systems they may use to do that... just ask a librarian for help if you are not familiar with how to do it). You can start off with overviews of history, but I highly recommend you look for one that has photos of original artifacts, museum pieces, and paintings, rather than one that uses drawings and tracings, since you can't see what they are based on. Once you find an era that you are interested in, find books specifically about fashion in that era, since they will be much more in-depth. And most important: have fun!

Here are the sources I used for this post:


Source A:
Barber, Elizabeth Wayland. Women's Work: The First 20,000 Years: Women, Cloth, and Society in Early Times. W. W. Norton & Company, 1994.

Source B:
Boucher, François. 20,000 Years of Fashion: The History of Costume and Personal Adornment: Expanded Edition. Harry N. Abrams, Inc., Publishers, 1987.

Source C:
Leisch, Juanita. Who Wore What? Women's Wear 1861-1865. Thomas Publications, 1995.

Source D:
Severa, Joan L. Dressed for the Photographer: Ordinary Americans & Fashion, 1840-1900. Kent State University Press, 1995.
Source E:
Severa, Joan L. My Likeness Taken: Daguerreian Portraits in America. Kent State University Press, 2005.

Source F:
Tortora, Phyllis G. and Keith Eubank. Survey of Historic Costume: A History of Western Dress, 4th Ed. Fairchild Publications, Inc. 2005.


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss