Am I Strong?

(Topic: grief, strength, definitions)

Hi Friends,

Several times recently, I have been told I am strong. Over the last few years, it's happened a few times more. Most frequently I have been told this by strangers, who don't know anything about me, and who have just heard about Charlie - and if I'm not crying, then I'm "strong" and they don't think they could have done it.

Here's the thing: They could have done it.

I had two choices: live with it somehow, or don't live.

People don't seem to realize that what they're proposing as an alternate option is suicide, and get really uncomfortable if I point that out. Suicide was never an option for me, but I know people who have been suicidal or who at least wish they were dead - so they could be with their child. I get it. That's just not how I think of it (for me, personally). I don't wish I were dead, I wish Charlie were alive.

So, since suicide wasn't an option for me, I lived with it. With my new, terrible, sucky reality. Living with it does not make me strong. I see myself as weaker than before, actually. But let's take a sec to define what strong means, because that's actually the crux of this matter. What do people mean when they say "you're so strong"?

a) that I can deadlift 150 lbs?
b) that I don't show emotion in public?
c) that I DO choose to talk about hard topics in public?
hint: it's not a.

B and C are usually not used by the same person, because they have contradictory meanings. And that's where I run into issues. When strangers use the word "strong" on me, I have no idea what meaning they are using it as, and since our culture usually goes with B, it's pretty certain that's what the stranger means. But is that really strength?

One loss mom talks about strength here, and she seems to view "strength" as a mask you put on - so more like B. In fact, that definition seems to be pretty culturally prevalent, actually.

But admitting that something is hard - and being open about it - and being emotional and vulnerable in public - is actually more work, and so some people choose to understand "strong" to mean option C.

Unfortunately, option B and option C are completely diametrically opposed, and having ONE word mean TWO OPPOSITE THINGS is really, really problematic. So if someone says I'm being strong, I have no idea if they mean I'm repressing my emotion to appear unmoved in public, or if they mean I'm being "bravely open about it". As you might guess, I really don't find the first option to be a great or healthy idea. (I am not talking about whether or not you choose to share about your loss. That's a different topic entirely. I'm talking about how people respond once you do decide to share.)

A few paragraphs ago I mentioned that I feel like I'm weaker than before. Here's why I say this: In a world where I had one choice (in my mind), which was to live with what had happened - somehow - because the alternate was to devastate my husband further (and because I want to be with him, and wish Charlie were here, not that I were dead with Charlie...), in this world where I had one choice, I chose it. I lived. My reality sucks, sometimes, though. Before Charlie died, minor things going wrong didn't upset me as often, or to the level, that they upset me now. Before Charlie died, I wasn't overwhelmed as often. Before Charlie died, I could sometimes comfort or help other people without becoming upset myself. And because one of the prevalent views of strength in our country is to not need help - and being upset usually involves needing help, or comfort, or some sort of assistance - it did not and does not feel like strength. It feels like weakness.

But this is not the side of me that most people see.

Most people see me in "public" because they are the "public". I often reserve crying and shows of emotion for at home. In fact, our culture often expects men to "be strong" for their wife - which means that grieving men are expected to not show emotion when their wife shows emotion - which is not healthy for the grieving man, either.

Repressing emotion isn't healthy for any of us, but it can feel shameful, embarrassing, or weak to cry or show sadness or other related feelings (depression, anxiety, being overwhelmed, PTSD) in public. So, many grieving parents squash or hide it, and even if they choose to talk openly and passionately about their loss and even if they are activists for change in the world of pregnancy and infant loss, it often comes with the parent quashing the feelings that would be considered "weak emotion" when in public.

So if you ever want to say I'm strong, know that I'm struggling with how our culture usually defines the word, regardless of how you mean it. Please consider being more specific about what you say ("you are brave to speak out about your child" or "I feel like I would cry all the time. I bet it's hard."). Each loss parent has different phrases or topics that might be difficult, so think about what you say - but don't let that stop you from talking to us. It's hard to reach out when you are grieving, and it can be isolating. If I don't say yes right away, don't force me, just be patient and ask again another time. And if you aren't sure about whether something you say would be a phrasing that might bother someone, explain what you are trying to mean, and ask them how they would like you to say it. I know I truly appreciate the people to take a minute to try to understand my worldview, and language is an important aspect of it.

Love to you and all of yours,

Sarah

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Copyright anxiety

(Topic: Anxiety, copyright, right-of-usage)

Hi Friends,

I'm not sure if you've noticed that I try to post twice a week. Generally on Wednesdays I try to post something specific to life after loss, and on Saturdays I often keep it lighter with pictures of something I've made.

Recently, though, on January 26th, I missed a day without letting you know. And after that post, any pictures in my blog have had a copyright notice on them, either as a watermark or as text across the picture. Why?

Well, a blogger friend of mine has been having issues with her images and sometimes text being used without linking back to her blog (attribution), and without permission.

If someone wants to share one of our blog posts, it's easy: copy the link in your browser, and paste the link wherever! If you paste in Facebook, then your post in Facebook will have a preview of the post with a link and a picture. If you paste the link in Pintrest, it will let you choose which picture to show.

What you should not ever do, is save a picture and use it as though it were yours, without saying where it comes from. ALWAYS give credit to the person that the picture is from!

In the United States, by writing something, I own what I wrote ("copyright"). So anything that I write in my blog in my own words is mine. Out there for people to read, but it's mine! So to remind people, I put a copyright notice at the bottom of my blog.

~~~

Well, I had a conversation with my friend on how to prevent unauthorized usage that doesn't give her credit, such as adding a copyright notice at the bottom of her blog, adding watermarks or text to her images, and such, and talking with her on how to report Facebook or Pintrest posts that use her work without linking to her blog or giving her credit, and also advising her how to contact site administrators for other websites if people there are using her material.

I hope this conversation helped her.

Unfortunately, it had the side effect of making me worry that the same sorts of things were happening to my pictures and my posts. It's not as likely (her topic is much more sharable than mine) but it worried me so much that I couldn't post that day. Or the next day. Or the one after that.

The downside of life after infant loss is that you often end up with side-symptoms, like depression symptoms or anxiety symptoms or ptsd symptoms (though often not enough for a full diagnosis of that thing, interestingly). In my case, I have grief with a side of anxiety. This means that small things loom really large, and the idea of adding watermarks going forward was already difficult, but add to it the thought that someone might be stealing Charlie, and that I should add watermarks going back through all the old posts too!!! You might imagine that this ended up becoming a pretty hefty roadblock, mentally.

Once I worked myself back up to it, I started adding watermarks and text to my images just on the posts I was writing new, though I am also slowly working on older posts too. I'll be keeping my eye out for people using my material without permission - but if you see it first, please let me know!

In the meantime, if I post something useful, that you want to share, PLEASE DO!!!
JUST BE SURE TO DO IT BY COPYING THE LINK, NOT THE PICTURE!!!

Thank you all so much!!!💗💕


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

A Brief Glossary of Pregnancy and Infant Loss

(Topic: Loss, Terminology)

Introduction

This post is part of my October - Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month series of posts, meant to be shared, particularly with people who do not have infant loss in their experience. Please feel free to share the link to the blog or directly to this or any other post.
(What is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month? Click here for the first post this month)

Words, Words, Words

Words are kinda my thing. I was an English major as an undergrad, and kept working with language when I got to grad school. So I noticed that there are some terms (words) that come up in the Pregnancy and Infant loss community that might be hard to understand for someone who hasn't been in it for long, or someone on the outside. So just to clear everything up, here's a little glossary of words I've come across, and what they are used for, as far as I have seen.

Abortion - Technically any pregnancy that ends early, whether wanted, intentional, accidental, or other. This word has many uses and often isn't well defined at all, so I don't want to go into this much here, but suffice to say that this is a hot button issue and best left quiet in groups of loss parents.

Angel baby 👼 or Star baby ⭐ - The baby who died. I see angel much more in this country, but it has strong religious overtones, so not everyone is comfortable with it. I have seen star baby as an option, primarily from a few of my European contacts, but I'm not sure if this is used consistently. Angel baby is fairly ubiquitous here and is widely understood to mean the baby who died, regardless of the parents' religious affiliation. I have not personally spoken to anyone who is atheistic or of another religion to get their perspective, but I would love to hear if anyone knows other words for the baby.

Child Loss - Loss of a child, usually after the first birthday.

Infant Loss - Loss of a baby after birth, often up through the first birthday.

Loss parent, Loss mom/mama, Loss dad/papa - Terms for the parents of a baby who died. While not used everywhere, these do pop up, and you'll see me use them here a lot.

Miscarriage - Any pregnancy that ends prior to 20 weeks of gestation.

Rainbow baby 🌈 - See Sunshine baby... A rainbow doesn't negate the storm, in fact, the storm must exist for a rainbow to follow... so this is the child following a loss. Again, not a perfect term for those who have multiple losses or losses interspersed with living children. And again, this term is widely used and understood, and is a very nice symbology in some ways, so many people use it.

Pregnancy Loss - Any loss during pregnancy, from conception all the way through birth.

Stillbirth - Any pregnancy that ends after 20 weeks (or sometimes 22, depending on who's counting) of gestation, all the way through full term/birth.


Sunshine baby 🌞 - This and Rainbow Baby are terms coming from a particular poem or concept, that the grief of losing a baby is a "storm" (with the tears = rain). Sunshine is before the storm, so this term is often used to refer to a child had before the baby that died. This can be problematic for people who have more than one loss, especially if interspersed between living children, but is a term commonly used and understood.


I'm sure there are others I could include but these are the biggest ones I've noticed. Comment below if you think of other terms that would be helpful to understand or share!

Yours,

Sarah

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What can I say? Ideas on how to talk to and help a grieving friend

(topic: loss, grief, communication, helping)

Introduction

This is a post in my series of posts honoring Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. My goal is for these posts to be shareable - if you are a loss parent, I hope you find this post helpful to share with your friends to help them understand you, what you are going through, and how to help.

Please note that usually my Wednesday posts are loss related, and my Saturday posts are hobby-themed. Due to extenuating circumstances, I missed Wednesday this week, and this post (a day late), which would normally be a hobby post, is making up for Wednesday. Thanks for your patience with this little hiccup in routine!

Why Are We Talking About This?

There are several reasons why pregnancy and infant loss is incredibly important to bring into the open - such as helping the medical world realize that this needs to be studied and the rate of loss needs to be reduced - but why is it important to discuss how to talk about it?

Well, in my experience, our culture doesn't talk about death much, and when we do it's either joking or morbid, or it gets really, really awkward. And when talking about grief, we are smack-dab in that third category. It's tough to talk about, which unfortunately means that our culture teaches us to respond with platitudes and sayings, none of which are really very helpful to the person grieving - and some of which are actually quite hurtful.

There are many articles out there on the hurtful things people say, and sometimes why they are so painful. In the past, I have discussed some of them myself (What Do I Say? from May 2017), while trying to address some helpful things to say instead. Today I'd like to focus on some helpful ways to approach talking to a loss mom or dad, and some other ways to help a grieving family.

What Can I Say?

First off, be sincere and think before you speak, no matter what. Usually, when someone is hurtful, it's usually because a) they are just trying to leave the conversation, b) they are saying a phrase or saying without thinking about the deeper meaning, or c) are comparing to something, like something they've been through, rather than just listening.

What exactly you say is really up to you and depends on your relationship to the person you are talking to. Generally though, being open to the grieving person's experience is extremely helpful. While you might see what they are going through physically, you have no way to know what's in their head and how they are perceiving it. Be patient and open, and willing to listen and try to understand. If they tell you that they don't want to talk about a particular aspect, or do want you to do something, like talk about their baby by name (rather than as a miscarriage, stillbirth, fetus, or even "the baby"), please respect their wishes and either don't or do talk about that when in a conversation with them.

What if you are just meeting someone new? Really listen to how they are approaching topics - any topics! And listen to see what they are comfortable sharing. Don't push for information, but rather let the conversation take a natural tack. If they bring up their loss, and it makes you uncomfortable, here are some helpful phrases you can riff on:
- "I can't imagine what you are going through"
- "I'm so sorry to hear that"
- "What's his/her name?" (very few people ask, and I wish more did)
- "I'm here for you"
- "Would you like to tell me about him/her?"

Some things to avoid are religious platitudes, anything that is an "at least" type statement, or any comparing of grief situations. Also, if you decide to ask questions, please be thoughtful and careful about not only how but also what you're asking! I don't care how nicely you ask, whether or not my uterus is healthy enough for more kids is between me, my husband, and my doctor (for instance).

I could list many things that are unhelpful, but really the key thing is to truly listen and pay attention, and think before you speak, because the most helpful things people have said just indicated they were happy to listen (and not pry) and the least helpful things were people saying religious or trite platitudes that felt diminishing or demeaning, or questions that were truly invasive.

Is There Anything I Can DO??

Yes! There's plenty you can do. The better you know the person, the more you can do. Some things to think about:

• Tomorrow, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and at 7pm (through 8pm) people are lighting candles in memory, each in their own time zone. This means there's a constant wave of light flowing around the world, time zone by time zone, in memory of all the little ones not in the arms of their parents. Light a candle! If you know a family well, sending them a picture of your candle, letting them know you were thinking of their baby, is a very sweet thing to do.
• Let them know you're thinking of them. Whatever means you usually use is great (text, call, email, social media, card, skywriting 😊), or a handwritten card/note is always nice.
• Use their baby's name, especially if they do. Many families (me included) really like to know that you haven't forgotten the baby.
• If they have pictures of the baby, and it seems appropriate, ask to see them! Not everyone is comfortable sharing, and not everyone has pictures, but many who do would love to share. Think about it: most parents show pictures of their kids all the time. Well, I want to, too - but I only have about 50 and that number is never going to change, so I don't have new cute ones to share. But I'd love to show you Charlie again and again, any time you ask!
• If their grief is fresh, ask if they need help with concrete things around the house. The more specific you can be, the better. "Can I come vacuum for you?" is more helpful than "Do you need anything?" because especially early in grief, making decisions, and seeing what you need help with, is very hard. If they seem hesitant because they think it's a burden on you, then you can insist. If they are saying no for other reasons, though, please respect their boundaries.
• If the grief is fresh, bringing meals can also be helpful. Make sure you're aware of allergies. Foods that can be frozen are also helpful, in case they got too many in a week (also because early on some people's appetites are low).
• If their grief is slightly older, beyond the first month or two, reach out again! This is the time when I felt like the initial wave of help was done, but I wasn't fully functional yet, and my fears of Charlie being forgotten were really high.
• If you are close with the person, make note of dates that they might find meaningful, and remember them with a card or text or something. The birthday of the baby is especially poignant for most loss parents. Some other dates that might have meaning: Date they found no heartbeat, date of conception or date they found out they were expecting, Mother's Day and Father's Day, date of the funeral, October 15th (remembrance day), date of a particular memory (I have one in February because that was the first time Charlie kicked back when hubby put his hand on my tummy!).
• Support an organization that helps! You can use smile.amazon.com to donate as you shop, or you can donate directly to an organization. Ask your loss friend - they'll often have one or two they've really connected with. There are plenty out there. Some take photos of the baby right after birth, some make weighted bears, some do research to prevent further pregnancy and infant loss, some provide pro-bono counseling... there are many options!
• Support an organization in memory of the baby, and let your loss friend know. For instance, we had a friend who bought us a tree, through an organization that re-forests after forest fires, and the tree is in memory of Charlie. Or if the loss friend has a symbol for their baby (many do, often an animal that represents the baby, sometimes connected to a story about the baby), you can donate to a cause they support that ties to that symbol.

I know that's a lot to think about, but there are so many ways to support your friends it's hard to stop telling you! I'll leave it at that right now, but if you have questions or other ideas, feel free to share in the comments - I'd love to hear your ideas! The key point is that you respect the loss mom or dad and how they grieve, no matter what.

💟

In love,

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss