Friday, February 23, 2018

Triggersville

(posted next morning, due to upload issues. I will add the pictures this morning)

Dear friends,

Right now my eyes are burning because I've been crying, and it wouldn't take much to get me going again. Today has actually been a pretty good day, but right at the end there have been several Triggers (things that make me think of Charlie and make me emotional).

The first was seeing a picture of these rosette mourning cockades a dear friend made for us, to wear while reenacting, in remembrance of our little one. I'm so glad she was willing to make them, and wearing them felt so right. Today she put a picture of them in her "I made this" album on Facebook. This is totally fine! It just brings thoughts of Charles more to the surface.

When the mail came, we got a personalized thing we'd ordered for Charlie for his birthday in June. It came out beautifully, and I can't wait to show you!

This evening I watched a video called "A Sloth Named Velcro", which was basically a nature documentary, but included several cute baby sloths, too.

I also reposted something on Facebook, which spurred a conversation about how I'm a mama despite my child never having lived beyond pregnancy. It was a good conversation, but touching, and it then brought up memories of the Mother's Day just before Charlie was born. I hadn't thought of myself as a true mother yet - maybe half, but not wholly - and I really wish I had.

And at this point I wept.

The images in my mind were the movements of the baby sloths, and the regret of not taking a Mother's Day carnation 2 years ago, and the loss and love for Charlie... It was overwhelming.

I'm hugging my Pookie as I write this. He's a very good bear, a very nice one to have around.

I'm dedicating this post to all the mamas who feel like they aren't. You are.

And to all the loss mamas who have lots of smooth days and then get surprised by a row of triggers. It happens... It's ok. I'm finding something that helps me remember Charlie but feel less sad (Pookie), and each minute comes a little easier. And I'll be back on my feet in a bit, and brush my teeth and settle in for the night, and I'll be ok. Crying helps... It's a sign I love and miss my boy, and reminds me that I love and miss him even when I'm not crying, and that's ok too.

Being a Loss-Mama has a lot going on. Who knew that learning about 6 species of nearly cold-blooded upside-down mammal would be what got me today?

Love
Sarah