Support and How I Changed

(Topic: grief after loss support, holidays)

Our mantle, stockings, and present area - no tree this year.

Hi Friends,

This year is different. This is our 4th Christmas after Charlie died, and every year has been different, but this year is really different.

For the last 3 years, my reaction to Christmas has been what you see in support articles: a combo of needing to be involved, but not wanting to be involved; feeling angry; feeling left out; feeling overwhelmed.

Titles of articles I'm seeing this year:
Grief at Christmas
What's to be Done About the Empty Stocking
A Letter to the Grieving Mom This Holiday Season

6 Ways To Survive The Holidays Without Your Child

Dear Santa: On Christmas In Heaven

10 Simple Reasons the Holidays Hurt

My Wish For Christmas After Child Loss

Getting Real About Another Holiday Season After Loss

7 Ways To Ease The Pain For Bereaved Loved Ones This Holiday Season

Five Simple Ways to Include Your Child in the Holidays

Dear Loss Mama: It’s Ok To Grieve This Christmas

The First Year – Navigating These Seasons When Your Child Has Died
Creating New Holiday Traditions

There is nothing wrong with any of these blogs and articles. They are all valid views, and many would have been comforting to me in the past and are probably helpful to new loss parents.

But this year is different.

I'm in a different headspace about the holiday, and it's really helping me. I wrote about a new approach, a new perspective, that occurred to me this year. Instead of being a grinch, and thinking about Mary as actually having a baby, which created a lot of jealousy, reframing it as a memorial birthday really helped. Now I think of it as a loss mom - not an infant loss mom, but still, related - who is remembering fondly the birthday of her loved one, and hoping to see him in heaven again someday. That, I can get behind.

That doesn't mean I didn't have sad moments.

I totally did. But they were isolated, and didn't tinge the whole holiday for me!

The moment that got me was singing Silent Night. It's a lullaby, and the alto part is pretty too, and it's about holding a silent baby - really, this author says it so well I cried again reading this article:

In The Pain And Holiness Of Silent Nights by DeAndrea Dare.

But over all, I had a good holiday, which was a refreshing change from the last few years.

I hope your holiday was gentle to you.

Yours,

Sarah

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