How common is Pregnancy Loss?

(Topic: Pregnancy and Infant Loss Statistics)

Introduction

This is another shareable post! Please feel free to share the link to this blog or this post specifically.

In honor of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I am focusing on topics that will help friends of families going through the loss of a baby, geared toward making common topics accessible to people outside the "loss community".

Previous posts in this series include:

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (an explanation)
What can I say? Ideas on how to talk to a grieving friend
Wave of Light
A brief glossary of pregnancy and infant loss

Please note that I have previously explored today's topic: By The Numbers, but that I try to make the numbers/statistics accessible today.

What is Pregnancy Loss, and how common is it?

How you define different pregnancy loss types definitely affects how the numbers tally up, so let's take a look at how things come together.

Early Pregnancy

Miscarriage (usually defined as a loss within the first 20-25 weeks of pregnancy) is a tricky one, since really early loss is sometimes so early that the mother might not even realize she's pregnant, and may think the loss is just her next period. Those are impossible to count, though, since a mom would never be able to report that she was pregnant and then lost it. Early pregnancy detection tests mean that people do find out much earlier than they used to, so more people are aware of early losses than in previous decades.

There is data out there about miscarriage frequency, but since it's hard to pin down (what if you only have one positive test and then a period? Was that a pregnancy?) the numbers are less concrete. Once I find solid sources, I will share.

Late Pregnancy

However, stillbirth (a loss within the second half of pregnancy, all the way up to what would be a full term birth) has more solid data. In the US, a stillbirth is considered to be any loss in week 20 of pregnancy or after. According to Global Health Organization standards it's the 25th week and beyond. In both cases, it is when the baby is not born alive (https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/stillbirth/facts.html).

In the US, the CDC (Center for Disease Control) is one of the main organizations that keeps track of health data, including death. They say that about 1% of all pregnancies end in stillbirth. That would be 1 baby in 100 - which is a lot. According to WHO (the World Health Agency), who is an international organization, the worldwide rate is actually about 1.8% - which is like 1 baby in 50, which is even more awful. Not only that, but many of these deaths could actually have been prevented (http://www.who.int/reproductivehealth/topics/maternal_perinatal/stillbirth/en/).
Note that these are worldwide rates...

In the US alone, which has about a 3 in 1000 rate of stillbirth death (GHO Stillbirth rates by Country), there are about 24,000 stillbirths a year (CDC, the data from 2013).

According to WHO, "Every year, worldwide, [...] 2.6 million babies are stillborn" (http://www.who.int/mediacentre/news/releases/2016/stillbirths-neonatal-deaths/en/).

I don't think I need to tell you how many devastated parents that leaves...

Pregnancies as a Whole

The number that is often thrown around is "1 in 4" pregnancies results in loss. I am having a hard time finding good sources to document this, but I would just like to point out that it is 1 pregnancy out of every 4, not women, not mothers, and this does seem to include stillbirth statistics, as well as the nebulous and hard to estimate miscarriage numbers I mentioned above.

To sum up, worldwide, 2 in every 100 babies dies in the second half of pregnancy. If we add the whole pregnancy, it might be as many as 25 in 100. That's a quarter of the babies, folks, 1 baby in every 4. This is a huge problem.

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

What can I say? Ideas on how to talk to and help a grieving friend

(topic: loss, grief, communication, helping)

Introduction

This is a post in my series of posts honoring Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. My goal is for these posts to be shareable - if you are a loss parent, I hope you find this post helpful to share with your friends to help them understand you, what you are going through, and how to help.

Please note that usually my Wednesday posts are loss related, and my Saturday posts are hobby-themed. Due to extenuating circumstances, I missed Wednesday this week, and this post (a day late), which would normally be a hobby post, is making up for Wednesday. Thanks for your patience with this little hiccup in routine!

Why Are We Talking About This?

There are several reasons why pregnancy and infant loss is incredibly important to bring into the open - such as helping the medical world realize that this needs to be studied and the rate of loss needs to be reduced - but why is it important to discuss how to talk about it?

Well, in my experience, our culture doesn't talk about death much, and when we do it's either joking or morbid, or it gets really, really awkward. And when talking about grief, we are smack-dab in that third category. It's tough to talk about, which unfortunately means that our culture teaches us to respond with platitudes and sayings, none of which are really very helpful to the person grieving - and some of which are actually quite hurtful.

There are many articles out there on the hurtful things people say, and sometimes why they are so painful. In the past, I have discussed some of them myself (What Do I Say? from May 2017), while trying to address some helpful things to say instead. Today I'd like to focus on some helpful ways to approach talking to a loss mom or dad, and some other ways to help a grieving family.

What Can I Say?

First off, be sincere and think before you speak, no matter what. Usually, when someone is hurtful, it's usually because a) they are just trying to leave the conversation, b) they are saying a phrase or saying without thinking about the deeper meaning, or c) are comparing to something, like something they've been through, rather than just listening.

What exactly you say is really up to you and depends on your relationship to the person you are talking to. Generally though, being open to the grieving person's experience is extremely helpful. While you might see what they are going through physically, you have no way to know what's in their head and how they are perceiving it. Be patient and open, and willing to listen and try to understand. If they tell you that they don't want to talk about a particular aspect, or do want you to do something, like talk about their baby by name (rather than as a miscarriage, stillbirth, fetus, or even "the baby"), please respect their wishes and either don't or do talk about that when in a conversation with them.

What if you are just meeting someone new? Really listen to how they are approaching topics - any topics! And listen to see what they are comfortable sharing. Don't push for information, but rather let the conversation take a natural tack. If they bring up their loss, and it makes you uncomfortable, here are some helpful phrases you can riff on:
- "I can't imagine what you are going through"
- "I'm so sorry to hear that"
- "What's his/her name?" (very few people ask, and I wish more did)
- "I'm here for you"
- "Would you like to tell me about him/her?"

Some things to avoid are religious platitudes, anything that is an "at least" type statement, or any comparing of grief situations. Also, if you decide to ask questions, please be thoughtful and careful about not only how but also what you're asking! I don't care how nicely you ask, whether or not my uterus is healthy enough for more kids is between me, my husband, and my doctor (for instance).

I could list many things that are unhelpful, but really the key thing is to truly listen and pay attention, and think before you speak, because the most helpful things people have said just indicated they were happy to listen (and not pry) and the least helpful things were people saying religious or trite platitudes that felt diminishing or demeaning, or questions that were truly invasive.

Is There Anything I Can DO??

Yes! There's plenty you can do. The better you know the person, the more you can do. Some things to think about:

• Tomorrow, October 15th, is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day, and at 7pm (through 8pm) people are lighting candles in memory, each in their own time zone. This means there's a constant wave of light flowing around the world, time zone by time zone, in memory of all the little ones not in the arms of their parents. Light a candle! If you know a family well, sending them a picture of your candle, letting them know you were thinking of their baby, is a very sweet thing to do.
• Let them know you're thinking of them. Whatever means you usually use is great (text, call, email, social media, card, skywriting 😊), or a handwritten card/note is always nice.
• Use their baby's name, especially if they do. Many families (me included) really like to know that you haven't forgotten the baby.
• If they have pictures of the baby, and it seems appropriate, ask to see them! Not everyone is comfortable sharing, and not everyone has pictures, but many who do would love to share. Think about it: most parents show pictures of their kids all the time. Well, I want to, too - but I only have about 50 and that number is never going to change, so I don't have new cute ones to share. But I'd love to show you Charlie again and again, any time you ask!
• If their grief is fresh, ask if they need help with concrete things around the house. The more specific you can be, the better. "Can I come vacuum for you?" is more helpful than "Do you need anything?" because especially early in grief, making decisions, and seeing what you need help with, is very hard. If they seem hesitant because they think it's a burden on you, then you can insist. If they are saying no for other reasons, though, please respect their boundaries.
• If the grief is fresh, bringing meals can also be helpful. Make sure you're aware of allergies. Foods that can be frozen are also helpful, in case they got too many in a week (also because early on some people's appetites are low).
• If their grief is slightly older, beyond the first month or two, reach out again! This is the time when I felt like the initial wave of help was done, but I wasn't fully functional yet, and my fears of Charlie being forgotten were really high.
• If you are close with the person, make note of dates that they might find meaningful, and remember them with a card or text or something. The birthday of the baby is especially poignant for most loss parents. Some other dates that might have meaning: Date they found no heartbeat, date of conception or date they found out they were expecting, Mother's Day and Father's Day, date of the funeral, October 15th (remembrance day), date of a particular memory (I have one in February because that was the first time Charlie kicked back when hubby put his hand on my tummy!).
• Support an organization that helps! You can use smile.amazon.com to donate as you shop, or you can donate directly to an organization. Ask your loss friend - they'll often have one or two they've really connected with. There are plenty out there. Some take photos of the baby right after birth, some make weighted bears, some do research to prevent further pregnancy and infant loss, some provide pro-bono counseling... there are many options!
• Support an organization in memory of the baby, and let your loss friend know. For instance, we had a friend who bought us a tree, through an organization that re-forests after forest fires, and the tree is in memory of Charlie. Or if the loss friend has a symbol for their baby (many do, often an animal that represents the baby, sometimes connected to a story about the baby), you can donate to a cause they support that ties to that symbol.

I know that's a lot to think about, but there are so many ways to support your friends it's hard to stop telling you! I'll leave it at that right now, but if you have questions or other ideas, feel free to share in the comments - I'd love to hear your ideas! The key point is that you respect the loss mom or dad and how they grieve, no matter what.

💟

In love,

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month

(Topic: loss, grief, awareness)

What is this Awareness Month?

This month is a special one in the USA, but I don't know if other countries officially observe it. Back in 1988, President Reagan specified October as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month (Full text of the official declaration at this link).

The idea is to help people who have not gone through a loss to know that it still happens. If people know it's a problem, this helps in 2 ways: 1) they might feel less betrayed if it happens to them, and less like a single aberrant case, which is a lonely stance, and 2) researchers will be more likely to pick up the topic to potentially develop both ways to support people going through it and ways to prevent it in the first place. As he said in his declaration: "It also enables us to consider how, as individuals and communities, we can meet the needs of bereaved parents and family members and work to prevent causes of these problems."

You may notice elements of the awareness "campaign" if you see things like a half-pink, half-blue awareness ribbon; you may see posts about people's babies who died or some friends may go very quiet on social media for the month. Some newspapers or television stations may even do features about some of the support or research organizations created to help parents going through this type of tragedy.

Awareness ribbon with cockade, that I made for our door (a tiger is the symbol we use for our son Charlie). We have had one on each door to the house since we moved in.

What will this blog do?

I will be posting a lot about loss this month, but will have posts about topics that will be helpful, I hope, to share with non-loss friends to help them understand.

Post topics will include:

• What is helpful to say or do for a friend who lost a baby?

• How common is Pregnancy Loss and Infant Loss?

• Words associated with Pregnancy and Infant Loss

 Please feel free to comment below or on Facebook or Instagram @being_charlies_mama with any other things you think it would be helpful for me to write about.

Why is this month special to this blogger (Sarah) personally?

My son Charlie was born (stillborn) in 2016, and since then, October has been a month were we make time to visit Charlie at the cemetery (we go other times too, of course!) and where we make sure to talk to others about him. There are also memorial ceremonies and walks that we take part in, and it really helps us feel that our otherwise invisible son is acknowledged and remembered. October was also the month we found out that I was pregnant, back in 2015, which adds an extra layer for us. You can read more of our story by choosing the "Who is Charlie" link at the top of this page, or clicking here.

Related Dates

October 15th is Remembrance Day, specifically, so many ceremonies and remembrance walks are scheduled on or right around this date. There is also a "wave of light" - lighting a candle at 7pm, that many people around the world take part in. By lighting a candle in memory of a baby, or multiple babies, from 7-8 pm in your own timezone, there will be a continuous light going around the world as people in each zone light their candles.

Wave of Light 2017 at our house. I lit a candle for every loss family (and each baby thereof) that I knew personally. Too, too many. Love to every single one. The white/orange/black candle with a tiger ribbon is for our son Charlie.

What can I, the reader, do?

• Share this post! Talk about the issue, post about the issue, or share links about the issue. The more people know about this, the more likely it becomes that the people who can do something about it will hear. Also, the more people know about it, the more supported loss-parents will be. Please feel free to post links to this post or any other post on this blog. If posting on Facebook, link the @beingcharliesmama account or me personally, Sarah Warner. Direct link to this post is https://clothespress.blogspot.com/2018/10/pregnancy-and-infant-loss-awareness.html

• Light a candle from 7-8pm on October 15th. It can be in memory of one specific baby, multiple babies, or if you don't know anyone, light one in honor of all the babies who died too soon. If you are in a dorm and can't have candles, you can use a nightlight or battery candle, or light one at a local church or chapel or house of worship if that's available to you. It isn't the candles per se :) it's the love and thoughts and memories!

• If you know someone who lost a baby, whether during pregnancy at any point or after birth, let them know you're thinking of them. Just sending a quick text or PM, or a card in the mail - whatever your normal way of chatting with that mom or dad might be. Don't forget the dads! They miss their children too.

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Dear Charlie's Mama, Are You OK?

(Topic: Emotions, Support networks for grief)

Hi Friends!

This is a FAQ!!! I have enough readers now that I've started getting occasional questions, and this post will be structured based on that. Thanks for all your feedback and support!


You seem sad. Are you OK?
 
Thank you for your concern! Yes, I'm generally ok. I have hobbies, a therapist, a great family, and fabulous friends. Having something to do and people who care means that even if I have a sad moment, I can get through it to a neutral moment or a happy moment too.

While I may seem to focus a lot on sad topics, that is because of the way I've structured this blog: While Saturday posts are generally about fiber arts and emotion-neutral, Wednesday posts tend to focus on grief related issues. That does not mean, though, that I experience these grief issues every day, or constantly, or am always down. But having you check in on me is great, thank you - if I were really struggling, I might not think of reaching out for help, or I might not emotionally be able to.

Sharing things like hotline numbers is important, and I'm sharing one for infant loss and grief support below. But sometimes it can be daunting to call a stranger. If there is a friend you haven't heard from in a while, reaching out to them and just checking in can sometimes be a huge help. It can be very hard to admit you need help, and sometimes even harder to ask for it.

For grief and loss support. Image from First Candle's Facebook page.

Is every picture on your blog something you made or photographed?

In short, yes. Unless I give credit to someone else, all photos are taken by me, all artwork is by me, and all knitted and sewn items are mine. I'm very careful to give credit when I use an image from online that does not belong to me, though I sometimes forget to give my family credit if some of the snapshots of Pookie and such are by them! It's not intentional, though: I try to always give proper credit or citations if I use anything from anyone else. The only exception is that you may notice me anonymize things for people's privacy, and that is still with their knowledge if at all possible.

If you see a drawing I made, or a photo of something I handcrafted, and want to know more about the project, or the inspirations or materials, just ask in the comments below that post!!! I'd love to answer.


Where do I find your blog?

If you are reading this, you've found me! If you'd like to share, though, here are the places that Being Charlie's Mama can be found:

• http://clothespress.blogspot.com
• Email subscription, instructions here for how to subscribe (The day I post something. No spam or other emails, just a preview and link to the actual blog post)
• Instagram @being_charlies_mama (links to the actual blog posts)
• Facebook site www.facebook.com/beingcharliesmama (links to the actual blog posts, and occasional reposting/sharing of articles from other resources)

So far I haven't gotten many more questions that aren't covered by these, so please comment below if you have more questions!

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Walking for Charlie

Dear Friends,

Once again, I'm going to post about the walk we have coming up on June 24th CORRECTION, it is the 23RD. It is a sponsored walk, kind of like a Crop Walk or a March of Dimes: We walk, you sponsor us, the money becomes a donation to the cause. Details will be at the end of this post.

In this case, the cause is the organization named "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" (NILMDTS), through which professional photographers volunteer their time to take pictures (usually at the hospital) for families going through infant loss (after 22 weeks gestation).

We had a photographer named Jackie who came to take pictures of Charlie for us, some of the only photos we have of him. This one is a favorite of mine:

Isn't he darling? I'm totally in love with his nose and leeeetle chin!

From their website: "Remembrance photography is a very important step in the healing process. Photographs are one of the most precious and tangible mementos that a parent can have, showing the love and bond that was given and shared with their baby. These portraits will last for generations, and will honor and remember a tiny life that is forever loved and cherished."
 
They generally do photos in black and white, partly because they look more "classic", and partly because it means that the babies generally look more like any baby, since sometimes a prenatal death involves some discolorations or other things that might distract from the beauty of the child.

The organization is approximately nation-wide, but there are gaps in the coverage because they depend on volunteer photographers. If you are interested in becoming a photographer with them, please get in touch with them via their website or their Facebook page! They would love to have you.

Walk Information:

In addition to supporting NILMDTS, there are emotional benefits for us as participants: we get to think of Charlie fondly, we get to see other families who have been through it and understand, and at the end there's a butterfly release!

If you would like to join to walk with us, you are certainly welcome, or if you would like to sponsor us. We are Team Tiger! Surprised?!!? Here's the direct link to our team page:
https://raceroster.com/events/2018/15365/now-i-lay-me-down-to-sleep-2018-remembrance-walk-oh/pledge/team?id=54
On this page, you can join our team, or pledge to support us, and read a brief summary of our story.

Thank you so much!

💖💖💖IN MEMORY OF CHARLES PEACOCK WARNER, OUR LITTLE TIGER CUB🐅🐅🐅

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

NILMDTS Remembrance Walk, OH 2018

 

 

Dear Friend,

 

I will be taking part in a walk to remember our baby, as part of the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) annual walk, which is in June, actually just days after Charlie's birthday.

What this does is support the organization, which provides professional photographers on a pro bono (free) basis to families experiencing a stillbirth or infant loss.

In our case, we got pictures of Charlie, and we will treasure them always. Parents whose children survive get to have lots of photos... this batch is the only one I'll get of him.

One of the things we can do as walkers is to ask for sponsorships, which, like with many other funded walks, are donations to the hosting organization. If you would like to sponsor our team - Team Tiger, you can do so by clicking the link below. If you would like to join us at the walk you can do that too! It's $25 per person and you can register at the same link. Just search for "Tiger" and then click "join team"!

https://raceroster.com/events/2018/15365/now-i-lay-me-down-to-sleep-2018-remembrance-walk-oh/teams

 

Love,

Sarah

By The Numbers

By the Numbers

The Statistics of Baby Loss

Hi Friends,

  This is going to be a brief explanation of the statistics of baby loss you may see floating around. Some are true, some are false, and most are simply a little misleading unless you hear where the numbers are from. I will be including my sources wherever possible.

"I'm the 1 in 4". You hear people say that 1 in 4 women experiences pregnancy loss (i.e., miscarriage or stillbirth). It turns out that this statistic is based on number of pregnancies, not number of women, so what it means is that 1 out of every 4 pregnancies does not successfully result in a live birth. I am working on finding out if this includes pregnancies where the mother didn't yet know she was pregnant (in which case, it would be a smaller percentage of known pregnancies, since many pregnancies just end up being the next cycle), or whether this is just from known pregnancies, in which case it's a very high number. I'm also looking into whether this statistic is world-wide or just the US. I'm having some trouble finding the data on this today, but I know it's out there.

Miscarriage A pregnancy loss in the first 20 weeks of pregnancy

Stillbirth A pregnancy loss in the 20th week and beyond (in the US) or 25th week and beyond (Global Health Organization standards) - but the baby is not born alive (https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/stillbirth/facts.html). According to the Center for Disease Control (CDC, an American agency), about 1% of all pregnancies end in stillbirth. According to the World Health Agency (WHO), it's more like 1.8%, and much of it preventable (http://www.who.int/reproductivehealth/topics/maternal_perinatal/stillbirth/en/). This cool data chart (GHO Stillbirth rates by Country) lets you look up rates world wide. According to this chart, the percentage in the United States is about 0.3%. There are some countries with high rates like 2.25%, and others with low rates (Iceland, for instance, at 0.13%).

"There are 25,000 stillbirths a year" Just about, if you only consider the United States. According to the CDC, the data from 2013 shows that 24,000 babies are stillborn each year in the United States. According to WHO, "Every year, worldwide, [...] 2.6 million babies are stillborn" (http://www.who.int/mediacentre/news/releases/2016/stillbirths-neonatal-deaths/en/).

Obviously, this barely scratches the surface, and I will be doing a follow-up post at some point, with more details.


Most sincerely yours,
~ Sarah

In the Right Place, At the Right Time

...Or, Why I Take Pookie With Me To Public Places

There are many reasons I take Pookie with me, the primary one being that I feel like I need a little one to hold, and/or the comfort of a stuffed toy. I'll sometimes take him just for company, but usually it's because I'm going somewhere that I expect to be confronted with topics that make me emotional or will at least bring sensitive topics to mind. And sometimes I just take him because it might be fun, or because I want Charlie represented.

The other night, however, we saw first-hand another reason, one that is actually just as important, and that I hadn't thought of. My husband and I were at a lecture by a vibrant pastor/theologian (Nadia Bolz-Weber, if you are interested), and while the point of the talk was not related to any usual triggers, I thought I might be better off if I had someone to hold, just in case.

(Click here for a link to a great podcast interview with Nadia Bolz-Weber)

As we came in, we saw the people we were planning to sit with, and found our seats. We were a little early, since we knew there was no assigned seating, and we also knew it was a sold out house! On the other side of us from our friends was an older lady. After Hubby got up to use the restroom, she turned to me and asked "What's the story of the bear?". I thought that was a nice way to ask about him, for sure! I told her that he represented our son Charlie, who died last year, and that the bear was weighted the same as our child... and so on. We ended up having a lovely conversation. One of her close relatives had recently miscarried, and so I was able to share our story, commiserate, talk about grieving relatives, and share resources.

At the end of the talk, Nadia Bolz-Weber gave a blessing that included, among many other things, mothers who had miscarried their babies, and death of loved ones, and several other items that hit close to my heart. By the end of the blessing I was weeping quietly on Pookie's head, holding him close and holding Hubby's hand.

The grandmother we had met - and the relative who had lost a child - thanked us afterward for sharing our story, resources, and our experience.

We shared our story because we feel - and we have experienced - that hearing that we are not alone on the journey of infant loss can be very comforting. We shared resources, because we want to use our tragedy to help others in any way we can. But most of all, we shared our experience. We all knew that our hearts were aching, each, individually, alone. But to share with someone who you feel will not judge you for it, I feel, lightens the ache ever so slightly. I hope that it did for that young mother and grandmother.

Pookie has a new mission. New job? Ambassador. Spokesman. He seems willing, and happy to share Charlie with the world.

Love to everyone whose heart aches.

Most sincerely yours,
~ Sarah

Infant loss resource document: www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Book Review: Beyond the Sling, by Mayim Bialik

Hi Friends of all stripes,

I'm currently reading a book. A real book, with hardly any pictures! One of the things I've noticed on my grief journey is that I am having a much harder time reading than I expected. This is very odd for me, given that I used to read constantly, and fly through books at an amazing rate! Last summer, I did escape into books for a while, and did read a fiction series over the winter, but a book really has to grab me (and I have to find the wherewithal to start it in the first place). These are not problems I used to have.

A friend of mine really helped when she suggested graphic novels. There are some pretty amazing ones out there now! Not all of them are my style. For instance, not only do the writing and story topic have to appeal, but the artwork is a factor too. But, since I am visual, reading a book that is heavy on the visual and light on the text is actually a very natural way for me to ease back into reading. I also credit the library for running an adult summer reading program, right when I needed a little push!

Recently, I was poking through YouTube, and stumbled across an interview with Mayim Bialik. I am familiar with her as an actress on the nerdy sitcom Big Bang Theory, but she is ever so much more than "just" an actress! She is a truly fascinating person, being everything from a Neuro-biologist to a Lactation Consultant. (If I get any of this wrong, it is purely my mistake.)

The interview I watched touched on the books Mayim Bialik has written, and all sounded interesting (and I plan on reading the others too) but the one that sounded most interesting was her book Beyond The Sling, which is about her family's experience with attachment parenting, which is something I am also interested in. Additionally, when I ordered all of the books from the library, this one came first, which was ideal :)

It's really fascinating. It touches on the actual science (neuro-biology, hormones, physiology) that underpin many of her descriptions to practice this particular approach to parenting and child rearing. She is clear and concise, and her sense of humor also pervades her writing. I'm finding it very easy to stay interested, to the point where I stayed up much too late last night, fascinated by her descriptions! She covers birth, nursing, baby-wearing, co-sleeping and bed-sharing, and elimination communication (a form of potty training, only not as much "training" and more understanding each other). I know there is much more to discover in this book that I haven't even gotten to yet! That's just what I've read so far!

When we give Charlie a little sibling, and I actually get to learn parenting hands-on, I hope to give several of these same approaches a go. This is what I was hoping to do with Charlie, so some of reading this is hard, because it is so much of what I'd hoped his future would be. I didn't really expect myself to be ready to be reading parenting books yet. They talk a lot about things that are difficult for me - natural births going as planned, or mostly as planned, healthy babies, happy families who do not spend holidays in the cemetery. However, the upbeat but forthright style hooked me, and I am actually going to encourage my husband and mother to read this book as well. It contains a lot of useful information for parents with living children, and is a fun read, as well!


~ Sarah

Infant loss resource document: www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Mother's Day

Hi Friends,

Mother's Day fast approacheth, and you might guess that this is going to be a bit of a challenging weekend for me. Not only with Mother's Day, but there are multiple other activities not related to that (birthdays, concerts, and such) that are making it busy too.

I'm nervous. My family has never really made a big deal of Mother's Day, but it's around. Facebook posts, special flowers in church, roses at the grocery store... And this is the first year I consider myself a mother, and it's in such a hard way.

Last year, I was pregnant on Mother's Day. At the time, I did not consider myself a mother (now, in hindsight, I do believe that I was already a mom. But at the time, since I didn't have a "babe in arms", I didn't think of myself as one). I spent the day with my family, and since my husband was working, I went to church with my family. They were going to a neighboring town, where my littlest sister was playing violin with the handbell choir. They played It Is Well With My Soul, which is a hymn that was written by a man who had just lost his three daughters. My little one had kicked massively before during solo violin, so I was expecting that, but the baby also loved the bells! I was pummeled from within :)

In hindsight I wish I had acknowledged I was a mom already. They gave out carnations, and I didn't go forward to get one. It wouldn't have changed anything, but I still wish I'd publicly shown myself as Charlie's mom.

Here's the thing: There are different things that make you a mom. But the KEY is that there is a child. Somehow. Moms come in different shapes, and have different duties:

• Being pregnant makes you a mom
• Giving birth makes you a mom
• Having a c-section to have a baby makes you a mom
• Taking care of a child makes you a mom
• (and there are others...)

So even if you don't have all of them, any of these makes you a mom. In my case, I was pregnant, and I gave birth. But some people adopt, and they are still moms too. I consider myself a loss-mama, which means that I am a memory-keeper-mama, not a diaper-changing-mama, but those are both valid types!!!

I'm nervous because I don't know how I'll feel on Sunday. I'm nervous because there are so many other things going on. I'm nervous because I want to do justice to my baby, and his memory. I'm nervous because I'll be around people and I don't want to be overly emotional in the wrong circumstances.

But.

I know I have supportive family, and I do have a chance to visit my baby in the cemetery. So I will get through it.

Please, though, remember - there are many people like me, for whom Mother's Day is uncomfortable. If you know I'm a mom, I would really like that to be acknowledged, so go ahead and wish me a happy Mother's Day. But be gentle. There are many of us with fragile souls.

Lots of love,
~ Sarah, Charlie's mom

Infant loss resource document: www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Infant Loss Resources

Hi Friends,

I realized the link to the resource spreadsheet was long and cumbersome. So I created a short-link that still gets you there! Please share freely with anyone who needs it.
www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Most sincerely yours,
~ Sarah

Blog Name Change from Clothespress to Charlie's Mama

Hi Friends,

Today I'm going to be changing a few things around here.

First of all, to allay any fears, I will STILL BE POSTING ABOUT CLOTHING AND FIBER ARTS!!!! I love doing that waaaaay too much to give that up!

But as you may have been starting to suspect, I have had some very major changes in my life in the past year, and have been working on figuring out how to integrate that into my online ventures. Namely, I was pregnant, and I had a beautiful little boy, who died 2 days before I gave birth to him.

• - I will be renaming the blog in his honor.
• - I will begin including posts about various aspects of life post- baby loss.
• - I will include posts about resources for Loss Mamas and Loss Papas.

And I would like to tell the story of my son, Charles Peacock Warner (Charlie), my beloved little boy.

In October 2015, we found out that I was pregnant! We were very excited. The little one was due in June, 2016. This was my first pregnancy, and was going to be the first grandkid on both sides! The pregnancy was healthy, except that I had a lot of morning sickness (hyperemesis gravidarum).

The baby was fine, and had a lot of personality. There was a lot of kicking, so we nicknamed baby "Tigger"! (If you haven't already guessed, we decided not to find out the gender ahead of time.) Over the course of the pregnancy, we attended several concerts, and found out that baby loved solo violin, and handbells.

As we passed the due date, I started having braxton hicks contractions nearly constantly for about a week. Then on Thursday or Friday we stopped feeling the baby. On Saturday the 18th of June, we confirmed by ultrasound that there was no heartbeat. I went to the hospital right away, and began the process of induction. Eventually I also opted for an epidural too, so I could sleep, since I was dealing with labor AND grief. My husband was with me the whole time, and our midwife and our families also provided a lot of loving support.

I gave birth to the baby at 7:32 on June 19th, which was Father's Day that year. The baby was born with a double nuchal cord, which means the umbilical cord was around the baby's neck twice. This often is not a problem, but in our case it was extremely tight, which cut off the oxygen flow. It was so tight that after the baby's head was born, the doctor actually had to cut the cord to allow the rest of the baby to emerge.

At this point, husband and I had agreed that he would see if the baby was a boy or a girl, and I would announce the name. He had to tell me THREE times that it was a boy! By the end of the pregnancy, I'd been utterly convinced that it would be a girl. We named him Charles Peacock Warner, and call him Charlie.

We left the hospital with a Peace Bear we were given. Dexter was a huge help to cuddle! We lucked out in getting a plot in the cemetery right next to where my parents will be, and had Charlie's funeral a week after his birthday. Eventually I got a Molly Bear, which we both love. We nicknamed him "Pookie", and I take him on adventures! (I may include pictures of some of these as posts here.)

As the months went by, I realized I was overwhelmed by the resources I kept finding out about, and wished there were a list that organized them and had notes. That is the document I posted a link to a few days ago.




In a few days I will do a post about the statistics of baby loss - which are absolutely staggering.

This loss has had a huge impact on my life, and that of my husband, and on our extended family as well. As we proceed forward, we are learning how to live with the grief over our beautiful little boy. As my aunt said to me, Time does NOT heal all wounds... but as you proceed forward, daily life moves more into the foreground and grief moves more into the background. And we are grateful for all the love and support we have received as we begin this journey.

Most sincerely yours,

~ Sarah, Charlie's Mama

Infant Loss Resource

Hi Friends!

Just one quick thing today. Based on my background, I have been finding out about lots of resources for parents who have experienced the loss of a child due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death.

I have assembled a spreadsheet to keep all the information organized in one place, and wanted to share. Please pass the link on to anyone who needs it. If you know of resources that should be included, please comment below and I will add them.

LINK TO THE DOCUMENT


Most sincerely yours,
~ Sarah