(Topic: Effects of grief, reading/writing)
To the teachers who told me I was a good writer:
Was I really? I was an avid writer. I loved words, and playing with their sounds and cadences. But was I a good writer, really? I wrote so much in college, but it was rhythm and sound without soul, empty. I look back at the poetry now, so many pages of it, and so much of it is hollow. Did I write well? I wrote. I practiced, I learned techniques, but I hadn't lived.
And now, the bottom fell out of my world, and I cannot write. I stare at a page where before, poetry would have danced out of my mind, and it is blank. My pen hesitates, and I cannot form thought to word. I am stuck, in the place where my soul wants to cry, and my voice is broken from weeping. Is that why my poetry was so flat? I hadn't had my soul rent, and so I thought dancing words was all there was? Now my soul wants to wail in beauty and instead I am locked in silence and pain.
There is beauty in my brokenness - I see it, my eyes are not blind. I see, I hear, I feel so dangerously at the pinnacle of experience, so many things at once, yet find the words abandon me, the phrase-music is tied in the knots of my pain and I cannot sing it.
Yours,
Sarah
To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.
Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss
Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Writing. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
Wednesday, November 6, 2019
My Family Is Perfectly Imperfect Too: A Book Review
(Topic: Book, Children's Book, siblings, talking about loss)
Book:
Perfectly Imperfect Family
By Amie Lands
Just to be frank and up-front, I got a free advance e-copy of this book in order to be able to review, but my health prevented me from reviewing the book before it was released. The advance copy was not given with any financial incentive or any particular slant I had to write about (if I had hated it or had strong criticisms, they would be in this post! I actually really liked it, though!). I haven't read any other picture books intended for children subsequent to a pregnancy or infant loss yet, though when I do, I'll review them here too, even if I don't have advance copies! I promise I will always give you my honest opinion if I'm reviewing something, and will always tell you if I get any benefits (like the free advance copy in this case).
If you click the title above, you will be taken straight to the Amazon page for it, and if you click on the author's name, you will be taken directly to the author's own page about the book.
It is a picture book, with only short amounts of text per page. I believe it is clearly comprehensible to young children. The illustrations are simple and touching. They are not overly busy with detail, but clearly show the love in the family, and include enough texture and small details to be realistic and interesting, rather than blank feeling (such as wood grain on the floors, there's a potted aloe plant that has spots, etc). The family featured is Caucasian, with a mother, father, and two living boys, both younger than the sister that is the featured topic. The main character is the oldest living boy.
The first thing I like about this book is that it is matter-of-fact. There is no beating around the bush, euphemisms for death, or overly religious metaphors that would not be clear to children.
The book doesn't specify whether the first child - a girl - died as a pregnancy loss or after birth as an infant loss, and honestly, that is great - it makes this book much more versatile. It is specified a bit more at the end of the book, but not during the story.
The book sweetly shows how the family integrates the sister into life, through pictures, memories, and rituals. Several holidays are specified with examples (Thanksgiving, Christmas), and the main character - a boy who looks to be about 6 - compares his birthday to how they celebrate his sister's birthday, with a family gathering, cake, and a ladybug release.
The ladybug release is actually the only caveat I would comment on - it is a great suggestion as an alternative to a balloon release (which is actually deadly to many animals, and many families decide that causing death in memory of a death is not fitting). However, if you choose to release butterflies, insects of any kind, or even planting flowers, please do a bit of research and make sure that what you are releasing is friendly to your environment and won't cause harm.
The book continues by addressing common thoughts that siblings might have about a sibling who died before they were born, such as what they might have been like, and concludes by reinforcing that the sister's death affected their life, but primarily through love.
The book concludes by having a section where the reader can think about how their family honors their own missing sibling, and write in their answers in parallel to examples from the book. There could have been more examples, but I think this book is aimed at a pretty young crowd - maybe as young as four? - and I think the hardback version may be a board-book format, so the small number of blanks keep it straightforward for a young crowd, and fits the physical format.
I really like how simple, direct, and loving this book is. I hope to someday own it, actually.
Yours,
Sarah
To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.
Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss
Book:
Perfectly Imperfect Family
By Amie Lands
Just to be frank and up-front, I got a free advance e-copy of this book in order to be able to review, but my health prevented me from reviewing the book before it was released. The advance copy was not given with any financial incentive or any particular slant I had to write about (if I had hated it or had strong criticisms, they would be in this post! I actually really liked it, though!). I haven't read any other picture books intended for children subsequent to a pregnancy or infant loss yet, though when I do, I'll review them here too, even if I don't have advance copies! I promise I will always give you my honest opinion if I'm reviewing something, and will always tell you if I get any benefits (like the free advance copy in this case).
If you click the title above, you will be taken straight to the Amazon page for it, and if you click on the author's name, you will be taken directly to the author's own page about the book.
It is a picture book, with only short amounts of text per page. I believe it is clearly comprehensible to young children. The illustrations are simple and touching. They are not overly busy with detail, but clearly show the love in the family, and include enough texture and small details to be realistic and interesting, rather than blank feeling (such as wood grain on the floors, there's a potted aloe plant that has spots, etc). The family featured is Caucasian, with a mother, father, and two living boys, both younger than the sister that is the featured topic. The main character is the oldest living boy.
The first thing I like about this book is that it is matter-of-fact. There is no beating around the bush, euphemisms for death, or overly religious metaphors that would not be clear to children.
The book doesn't specify whether the first child - a girl - died as a pregnancy loss or after birth as an infant loss, and honestly, that is great - it makes this book much more versatile. It is specified a bit more at the end of the book, but not during the story.
The book sweetly shows how the family integrates the sister into life, through pictures, memories, and rituals. Several holidays are specified with examples (Thanksgiving, Christmas), and the main character - a boy who looks to be about 6 - compares his birthday to how they celebrate his sister's birthday, with a family gathering, cake, and a ladybug release.
The ladybug release is actually the only caveat I would comment on - it is a great suggestion as an alternative to a balloon release (which is actually deadly to many animals, and many families decide that causing death in memory of a death is not fitting). However, if you choose to release butterflies, insects of any kind, or even planting flowers, please do a bit of research and make sure that what you are releasing is friendly to your environment and won't cause harm.
The book continues by addressing common thoughts that siblings might have about a sibling who died before they were born, such as what they might have been like, and concludes by reinforcing that the sister's death affected their life, but primarily through love.
The book concludes by having a section where the reader can think about how their family honors their own missing sibling, and write in their answers in parallel to examples from the book. There could have been more examples, but I think this book is aimed at a pretty young crowd - maybe as young as four? - and I think the hardback version may be a board-book format, so the small number of blanks keep it straightforward for a young crowd, and fits the physical format.
I really like how simple, direct, and loving this book is. I hope to someday own it, actually.
Yours,
Sarah
To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.
Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss
Friday, March 15, 2019
Constant Inundation
(Topic: life after loss, triggers)
Hi friends,
One of the crazy and difficult things about life after loss is that many, many things can remind me - in some way - of the loss. Whether it's something that reminds me of Charlie directly (like seeing babies and toddlers), reminds me of a symbol for him (like tigers or dragonflies or peacocks), or reminds me of an experience related to him (such as pregnant women, certain baby clothes, or even empty paper towel tubes, they're everywhere. And when one of these reminders brings on a really strong reaction, it's a "trigger" and can result in me getting majorly upset or having a panic attack. Not all of these triggers are going to be obvious, even to someone who knows me, so sometimes it can seem like I get upset out of nowhere.
Then, because of the way this affects the mind of the grieving parent, there can be secondary ramifications, such as the fact that death and loss are an uncontrollable thing, so some loss parents get very particular about planning and control, much like people who suffer from clinical anxiety. Other parents have depression-like symptoms, with feelings of hopelessness. As you might imagine, sudden changes of plans might be a trigger for the first type, and things going wrong might be problematic for the second type. So as you might imagine, since the mental effects of infant loss are far reaching, the triggers can be many and varied, and non-obvious.
I'm mentioning this because you may have noticed that my posting can occasionally be erratic. I try to post loss-related content on Wednesdays and hobby-related content on Saturdays. But lately that has been less reliable. Why? Because there have been hard days, triggers, grief events, and also just generally busy life interfering with writing. It can be very difficult to write about grief, so I try to do it on a day I'm feeling calm and collected. I also try to work ahead, and have posts ready so I'm not writing them the night before or the day of. But if I'm having a string of hard days, of Charlie days, I'm not always able to write. So I sometimes run out of prepared posts, don't have the emotional energy to write new ones, and then something everyday might come up in my life that day, and Poof! No new post that week.
I'm not writing this as an excuse, or a groveling apology. This blog is intended to be honest and raw and show you some of what infant loss grief is like if you don't personally know, and to be a fellow-parent if you are someone who DOES know. So this post is intended to be honest and true about some of the difficulties I face in writing for you.
Over the past few weeks we've had some larger issues come up that triggered our grief (that I'm not ready to write about here), as well as some smaller ones (like seeing an empty paper towel tube while at a knitting shop, like seeing a tiger logo on a public bathroom changing table, like getting to visit Charlie for the first time in a while). We are also planning and packing for a move, and I'm trying to build a business, and hubby's hours are long. It all adds up, and in the end, I'm just tired. Did you know that grief is exhausting? It really is.
So now that you know some of what I'm facing, I'd like to ask for your patience when I'm having weeks like this. I will do my best to still provide content for you to read, when I can. In turn, I'd like to ask for your help in 2 ways:
1) Let me know if you liked a post! Tell me that you read it, tell me why you liked it, or what touched you about it. Knowing that my posts are actually read and appreciated is a HUGE help to my motivation! I even had an email last week from my mom last week, because she recognized the shirt I'd made Pookie's bagpipes out of. It just said something like "I remember that shirt! It was comfy!". Even that little note just let me know that someone was out there and listening. Thank you.
2) Another way you could help would be to let me know what part of my life after loss would be interesting to hear about. To me, since I am learning to live with my circumstances, some things can feel everyday or normal, and it doesn't occur to me that it might actually be interesting for someone to read my reflections on it. Let me know!
Ever with love, and in memory of our baby Charlie and all the other little babies out there whose parents miss them so much,
Yours,
Sarah
To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!
Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss
Hi friends,
One of the crazy and difficult things about life after loss is that many, many things can remind me - in some way - of the loss. Whether it's something that reminds me of Charlie directly (like seeing babies and toddlers), reminds me of a symbol for him (like tigers or dragonflies or peacocks), or reminds me of an experience related to him (such as pregnant women, certain baby clothes, or even empty paper towel tubes, they're everywhere. And when one of these reminders brings on a really strong reaction, it's a "trigger" and can result in me getting majorly upset or having a panic attack. Not all of these triggers are going to be obvious, even to someone who knows me, so sometimes it can seem like I get upset out of nowhere.
Then, because of the way this affects the mind of the grieving parent, there can be secondary ramifications, such as the fact that death and loss are an uncontrollable thing, so some loss parents get very particular about planning and control, much like people who suffer from clinical anxiety. Other parents have depression-like symptoms, with feelings of hopelessness. As you might imagine, sudden changes of plans might be a trigger for the first type, and things going wrong might be problematic for the second type. So as you might imagine, since the mental effects of infant loss are far reaching, the triggers can be many and varied, and non-obvious.
I'm mentioning this because you may have noticed that my posting can occasionally be erratic. I try to post loss-related content on Wednesdays and hobby-related content on Saturdays. But lately that has been less reliable. Why? Because there have been hard days, triggers, grief events, and also just generally busy life interfering with writing. It can be very difficult to write about grief, so I try to do it on a day I'm feeling calm and collected. I also try to work ahead, and have posts ready so I'm not writing them the night before or the day of. But if I'm having a string of hard days, of Charlie days, I'm not always able to write. So I sometimes run out of prepared posts, don't have the emotional energy to write new ones, and then something everyday might come up in my life that day, and Poof! No new post that week.
I'm not writing this as an excuse, or a groveling apology. This blog is intended to be honest and raw and show you some of what infant loss grief is like if you don't personally know, and to be a fellow-parent if you are someone who DOES know. So this post is intended to be honest and true about some of the difficulties I face in writing for you.
Over the past few weeks we've had some larger issues come up that triggered our grief (that I'm not ready to write about here), as well as some smaller ones (like seeing an empty paper towel tube while at a knitting shop, like seeing a tiger logo on a public bathroom changing table, like getting to visit Charlie for the first time in a while). We are also planning and packing for a move, and I'm trying to build a business, and hubby's hours are long. It all adds up, and in the end, I'm just tired. Did you know that grief is exhausting? It really is.
So now that you know some of what I'm facing, I'd like to ask for your patience when I'm having weeks like this. I will do my best to still provide content for you to read, when I can. In turn, I'd like to ask for your help in 2 ways:
1) Let me know if you liked a post! Tell me that you read it, tell me why you liked it, or what touched you about it. Knowing that my posts are actually read and appreciated is a HUGE help to my motivation! I even had an email last week from my mom last week, because she recognized the shirt I'd made Pookie's bagpipes out of. It just said something like "I remember that shirt! It was comfy!". Even that little note just let me know that someone was out there and listening. Thank you.
2) Another way you could help would be to let me know what part of my life after loss would be interesting to hear about. To me, since I am learning to live with my circumstances, some things can feel everyday or normal, and it doesn't occur to me that it might actually be interesting for someone to read my reflections on it. Let me know!
Ever with love, and in memory of our baby Charlie and all the other little babies out there whose parents miss them so much,
Yours,
Sarah
To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!
Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss
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