My Breath Away

(topic: grief triggers, happy reminders)

Hi friends,

Last summer, I took a picture and made some notes for this post, and I want to share them with you now.

For some reason, there was a summer service at church that got changed around, and we missed the notification that the service was going to start an hour earlier than normal, so we snuck in for the last few minutes... and the closing hymn. Being late, even if it's due to unusual circumstances, is very overwhelming to me, so I was already a bit thrown off just from walking in at the end instead of the beginning. So here are the words to the last verse of the closing hymn:

v5:
Let us build a house where all are named,
their songs and visions heard
and loved and treasured, taught and claimed
as words within the Word.
---
Built of tears and cries and laughter,
prayers of faith and songs of grace,
let this house proclaim from floor to rafter:
(refrain:)
All are welcome, all are welcome, all are welcome in this place.

All Are Welcome Episcopal hymnal 1982, hymn #641

As you might imagine, that particular set of words struck some chords in me. The words "all are named" and "tears and cries" particularly. This is an example of a non-obvious trigger. An obvious trigger would be things like going back to the hospital where Charlie was born, or seeing an infant that looks like him, or seeing a stillbirth in a tv show. A non-obvious trigger can be nearly anything! Really, anything that makes me think of the sad parts of Charlie or how I miss him, or the trauma aspects of finding out he had no heartbeat, etc. So in this case, "all are named" hit me hard because it means so much to me that we named Charlie and had him baptized. So I know that Charlie is included in this song.

Another trigger that hit me that day, was right after service concluded, and I used the ladies room: the changing table in there has a picture on it that also meant something to me personally:

A baby tiger...

If you've read my blog posts before, you know that tigers, particularly cubs, represent Charlie for us. So this was another little symbol, out in the world, that was a sweet (if wrenching) reminder of our little one.

I'm sharing this story to show that triggers are not always bad - sometimes they are reminders of his life, or his inclusion in our religion. But I'm also sharing just to show how hidden and common triggers can be.

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Pookie Visits Living Treasures "Wild" Animal Park

(Topic: Weighted bear, Zoo. Caution, last picture is of our stillborn son)

Pookie chillin' on a carved tortoise

Hi Friends!

As you saw a week ago, we like to visit animal parks. We recently went to "Living Treasures", a local park in New Castle, PA. While not expansive, all the animals were well kept, and while we could choose to feed a few, most of them still acted fairly normal. Additionally, the signs at this park were amazingly well done! Even many large zoos only give you the animal name and a cool fact, whereas here you had 1) animal name, 2) Latin name (I think), 3) region/habitat, 4) endangered status, 5) gestational length, 6) weight, and then several paragraphs about the animal, often concluding with a little known fact about the animal. I was very happily impressed.

Their new baby giraffe has the same name as hubby, so of course I took a picture of the two of them!

Two cuties :)

I often wear Pookie, since that lets me have my hands much more available, and with this carrier, it's also not too hard to take him out for photo ops. This is a Highland Cattle calf! So soft and sweet!

Don't worry, Pookie didn't shrink. This statue is oversized!

We found a new baby to take home! This little guy has just a little bit of bean bag in him, along his lower back, so he feels perfect curled up in your hands.

Like, totally perfect.

 

We also found these lovely tiger frames, which allowed us to put up a few more pics of Charlie, which was super great - so far most of the pictures we had put up are all the same shot of his face, black and white, so it was nice to have a few more out. The one on the left is Charlie in daddy's arms, and the other is a snapshot one of our parents took of our WHOLE family.

We had a great time on this trip, and were impressed with how the animals were kept, the signage, and overall design and accessibility. We'd highly recommend a visit!!!

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

NILMDTS Walk

(Topic: Grief, Remembrance Walk)

Dear Friends,

Yesterday we went for a walk in Columbus, as participants in the NILMDTS Remembrance Walk, which I have periodically been telling you about as I asked for donations to sponsor our walk. Well, it finally happened!

We drove down to Columbus early in the morning, which takes about 2 and a half hours. Despite some rain at the beginning, some construction, and watching the NILMDTS Facebook page closely in case of a cancellation, the drive went smoothly. I am not used to being up as early as that, so I was having trouble waking up, but I think part of that was also nerves. One of my general personality traits is to be a bit more anxious, and grief magnifies that majorly, so being around large groups of people who I don't know can make me very cranky or even upset, depending on what else is going on.

That said, we found it easily enough, and checked in at their registration booth and got our cool event shirts, and found a place to sit. The park it was happening in has amphitheater-style seating built into the hill leading toward the river, and the event tents were at the base of that. People were gathering, so it didn't feel like too big a crowd yet, which was nice, and hubby and I met up with my dad and one of my sisters, who joined our team for the walk! It was super nice to have them there as support, but they also lost Charlie, just with a different relationship, so I hope they also felt loved and supported at this event.

View from our seat (3/4 of the way up the hill), looking down the amphitheater seating. The tent in the center has the stage with the speaker, MC, musician, and readers.

When it got close to time for the ceremony to start, we used our butterfly ticket - and the surprise extra tickets from my dad! - to pick up the butterflies to release in Charlie's memory, once they got to his name in the readings. So we had little butterfly triangles, and as they warmed up in our hands while we listened to the ceremony, we could hear the butterflies start to try to flutter and move in their little boxes.

With the extra butterflies (beyond the 1 that every remembered baby got), our group had enough for each person, and Pookie got one too!

Me, Pookie, and our butterflies. You can see our team hats :) and Pookie is actually wearing a matching onesie! And since we are team Tiger, I wore my matching earrings and a tiger scarf too.

As we walked back up the steps to our seat, it really hit me: the crowd was large, and every single person either lost a baby or directly knows someone who did... and statistically, this was not even the tip of the iceberg. This is an invisible tragedy.

The keynote speaker was the CEO of NILMDTS, and she is 10 years out from her first loss, and she talked about how she had several subsequent losses, too. She then structured her talk about how each year her grief changed, and it seemed that as time went on she did not forget her children, but the intensity of the grief abated. At least, that is what I got from it, which to me was a promising message, that at some point I can miss Charlie and be sad, but not hurt so much when I remember him. I don't want to make it sound like I was only listening analytically, though. My heart was also listening, and remembering Charlie, and hurting and missing him. I was very glad of the pack of tissues we got in our registration tote bags...

After the speaker and a few songs, the readers began reading out all of the names of the babies being honored at this walk. I didn't count, but dozens and dozens. When each family got to the name of their baby, they could release the butterflies.

Hubby's took a few extra minutes to wake up and figure out what was going on.

After the ceremony concluded, volunteers helped guide everyone onto the walk path, which was over a bridge, along the river, and back over another bridge to make a loop, which was only about a mile and a nice leisurely walk, along which signs were placed with the babies' names. For those who raised at least $125, there were also signs with individual babies. I would like to thank all our supporters, because due to your help, hubby and I got to take home a beautiful sign with Charlie's name and picture on it, along with a verse I picked out from the hymn "When Peace Like A River (It Is Well With My Soul". Not only does this hymn mean a lot to me because Charlie kicked and danced mightily when I was pregnant, but I also learned that it was written by a man who lost children himself, as he sailed past the place where the ship they had been on had sunk.

Hubby taking a picture of the sign Charlie's name appears on.

Me and Pookie on the walk, near a swollen Scioto River in downtown Columbus, Ohio.

 

While there were certainly moments I was sad, remembering Charlie is important and soothing to me, and spending time with family, remembering our WHOLE family, is wonderful.

View of our event tents from across the river.

Here you can see the amphitheater seating.

 In the program book, the reading, and also on the signs with many names, the babies were listed alphabetically by last name. I'm not certain whether or not the signs for the individual babies were or not, but I think so... at least, Charlie came pretty far along. Here's his beautiful sign:

Our family.

Thank you for all of you who contributed to our fundraising, which goes directly to the NILMDTS organization to provide more families with photographers like we had. I'm so glad we had an opportunity to go, to honor Charlie, and to help this great organization.

 Yours,

Sarah

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To Buy or Not To Buy, That is the Question

(topic: grief vs. preparing for a next child)

http://www.gracobaby.com/en-US/Traditional-Playards/travel-lite%3Csup%3E-reg%3B%3C-sup%3E-crib-with-stages

I don't know if you have heard, but all of the Toys R Us and Babies R Us locations in the US are closing. I'm not sure what the long range effect will be, but the short term effect is that they have sales and discounts as they empty their warehouses, and many larger items (while still pricey) may have significantly diminished price tags.

I mentioned this to my husband, specifically because I knew they carry those little blankets with a stuffed animal head, and theoretically one of the ones they carry is a tiger. I went in to the store during the day to scout things out (no tiger) and in the process realized that now might be the time to buy a bassinet or other bed, since that and a high chair and stroller, is really the only thing we need but don't have, since we ended up pretty well equipped in preparation for Charlie.

Once I scouted and got some prices, I talked it over with hubby, and we decided it made sense for me to get one, and since the store had a 10% sale on top of the already cut prices, it made sense for me to go that night after dinner. But once I was in the parking lot, staring at the store, I was massively conflicted about going in, much less buying the bed.

Here's the thing. It's as if I have 2 minds: logic brain, and heart brain. Logic brain is the one that weighs pros and cons, and does the math. Heart brain is where all the logic gets thrown out the window, and all the emotions come to live.

When we were discussing the idea at the dinner table, logic brain was talking. Since we plan to have another child, and would seriously consider adopting if it doesn't work for us biologically (and maybe even if it does), we have a guaranteed need for these sorts of items. The math also made sense: closing sales, plus that day's bonus 10%: really, it was either this, hope someone gives us one, or buy something second hand (or, maybe, wait till we have more money to spend on things like this). But you'll notice, except for buying now, all the other options have detractors (such as prior users, or hoping for something - not a for-sure option). So it made sense.

But when I was sitting in the parking lot, heart brain started talking. It said some things that are based in my experience, and my emotions, and thus made sense for me to feel, but it was not logical. Heart brain was saying things like this:
- You may never need a bed - what if you don't get pregnant again?
- What if you buy a bed and don't get pregnant. Waste of money!
- What if buying a bed jinxes you so you don't get pregnant?

Heart brain was ignoring a lot of things. But heart brain had also noticed that there were a lot of pregnant ladies there, too, and was feeling overwhelmed.

As it was, I messaged two of my best friends, and asked them for support, because I was feeling vulnerable and overwhelmed, even though the purchase made sense. And one told me I could do it, and the other told me it was ok to cry in Babies R Us - she'd done it, and lots of people do it!

And I got out of the car and went in. I pretended I was shopping for Pookie, which I do at resale stores a lot (he wears 3-6 month sizes, unless it's a button collar, in which case he needs a size up!). I saw a rainbow outfit I liked, which I bought with Next Baby in mind. And I safely made it to the beds, with only 1 pregnant woman encounter. It ended up being more complicated to pick one out than I'd anticipated, but concentrating on the details (logic brain!) helped me stay calm. I got the bed! I paid, and I got it to the car!

It was hard. It was emotional. Even driving home there was a voice questioning if I'd wasted money or jinxed things (and I don't believe in jinxes). But I know I did the right thing, because no matter what, some day, I'll have a little one to put into it.

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Introductions: Bears and Others

Introductions Part II

Bears and Others

Hi Friends!

I promised pictures of the non-tigers... so here we go!

Oh, well actually, first is a new tiger to the bunch! He's a Tigger, but since we already have a Tigger, this guy needs a name, or at least some sort of nickname to differentiate him. He's about 8" tall, and has some beanbag material just in the bottom, so he can sit down.

And you guys have met this guy! Pookie is our Molly Bear. He weighs the same amount that Charlie did (6 pounds 5.3 ounces... literally 1/3 of a pound). Pookie's full name is Charles Peacock Bear, so since he matches, Charlie is nicknamed from the first name Charles, and Pookie is nicknamed from the 2nd name, Peacock!

These are Huginn and Muninn, named after the ravens that accompany the great Norse god Odin. These ravens are little, though! They are perfectly sized to sit on Pookie's shoulders. Pookie wanted to be Odin for Halloween last year, but I was sick over Halloween. Maybe next year?
We got these lovelies at the Carolina Raptor Center in NC, which is pretty amazing.

This is Dragon, the horse. He is from a care package box we got from Umbrella Boxes. At first we couldn't decide which he was... the fact that the mane and tail are made in one piece reminded us so much of a dragon that despite eventually deciding he was meant to be a horse, we named him that way!

This is Dexter. He's amazing and wonderful, and my best pal for the first few months after Charlie died. They gave him to me at the hospital, and his tag said he is a "Peace Bear" (named after another little baby who died), and was meant to give me someone to hold since I couldn't hold my Charlie on the way home. (Not sure if it's this Peace Bear organization or not. I'll have to check and see if I still have his tag.)

Dylan Bear is named for the giver. This bear is super soft and squishy and huggable! He spent quite a few days at the cemetery (in a bag to keep him dry, of course!). Most of the animals end up keeping me company more than Charlie, but right now there are 2 at the grave, so I guess I do try to keep him from being lonely.

This bear doesn't have a name yet. It also came in a care package, this time requested from Good Mourning Bears.

This is Charlie's Easter rabbit from last year. I saw an ad in some ad flier about personalized rabbits, and it just seemed perfect. He's not exactly named. Maybe Bunny? Seems a little basic, though.













Oh, and this is another new, nameless, tiger! He's currently visiting Charlie, as is an angel-bear that I don't have pictures of. These are both toys I bought for Charlie, which are also sized appropriately for Pookie to hold!

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Birthday Ideas for Charlie

(topic: remembering a child on their birthday, infant loss, memorial ideas)

 Dear friends,

This year, in June, Charlie will be turning 2. If you would like to help us remember him in a more tangible way, here are a few things you can do:

Ways to remember Charlie on his 2nd Birthday (June 19th)

1. Support the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep photography association by pledging to our team (Team Tiger pledge page). We are participating in a fundraising walk the Saturday after his birthday, and the funds donated help support the organization so they can send pro-bono professional photographers to take pictures, for families experiencing infant loss 
2. Help Charlie's light shine! Some churches and religious organizations have permanently lit candles or lamps in their worship space. They often have sponsors, in memory of someone. I have reserved and sponsored the light at our current church and at the church I grew up in, for the week of June 17th. If you would like to sponsor one at your own place of worship, or just light a candle in Charlie's honor, that would be lovely.
3. Borrowing an idea from another loss-mama's blog (Still Playing School), what about making Charlie's name in some way, and taking a picture? I'd love to see the results.
4. And if none of these fit how you want to remember him, please understand that we don't want to force you to do anything! We just would love for our friends to happily remember Charlie with us. That's all it is. And if you decide to do so more tangibly, the above list items are just suggestions.

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Reminder: Walking in Charlie's Memory.

(topic: Infant loss remembrance walk)

Hi Friends!

Once again a reminder that on June 23rd, we will be taking part in the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep (NILMDTS) sponsored remembrance walk. We have our own team (Team Tiger!) and we'd love for you to join us if you can, or sponsor us as we walk in Charlie's memory. Donations go to support NILMDTS provide a pro-bono professional photographer to parents going through infant loss.

Donate or join us here at this link: https://raceroster.com/events/2018/15365/now-i-lay-me-down-to-sleep-2018-remembrance-walk-oh/pledge/team?id=54


From the NILMDTS website FAQs:
Q: What if someone wants to give a check donation?
Mail to: Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep 7500 E. Arapahoe Road, Suite #101 Centennial, CO 80112. Thank you in advance for your donation.
To have the donation count towards a team or a specific team member please ensure that the individual member or team name are included when mailed.
Q: Can contributors submit a matching gift for this event?
Many contributions can be doubled if your organization/company has a Matching Gifts Program. Fill out your company or organization’s paperwork for matching gifts and submit the forms per their directions.



Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Walking for Charlie

Dear Friends,

Once again, I'm going to post about the walk we have coming up on June 24th CORRECTION, it is the 23RD. It is a sponsored walk, kind of like a Crop Walk or a March of Dimes: We walk, you sponsor us, the money becomes a donation to the cause. Details will be at the end of this post.

In this case, the cause is the organization named "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" (NILMDTS), through which professional photographers volunteer their time to take pictures (usually at the hospital) for families going through infant loss (after 22 weeks gestation).

We had a photographer named Jackie who came to take pictures of Charlie for us, some of the only photos we have of him. This one is a favorite of mine:

Isn't he darling? I'm totally in love with his nose and leeeetle chin!

From their website: "Remembrance photography is a very important step in the healing process. Photographs are one of the most precious and tangible mementos that a parent can have, showing the love and bond that was given and shared with their baby. These portraits will last for generations, and will honor and remember a tiny life that is forever loved and cherished."
 
They generally do photos in black and white, partly because they look more "classic", and partly because it means that the babies generally look more like any baby, since sometimes a prenatal death involves some discolorations or other things that might distract from the beauty of the child.

The organization is approximately nation-wide, but there are gaps in the coverage because they depend on volunteer photographers. If you are interested in becoming a photographer with them, please get in touch with them via their website or their Facebook page! They would love to have you.

Walk Information:

In addition to supporting NILMDTS, there are emotional benefits for us as participants: we get to think of Charlie fondly, we get to see other families who have been through it and understand, and at the end there's a butterfly release!

If you would like to join to walk with us, you are certainly welcome, or if you would like to sponsor us. We are Team Tiger! Surprised?!!? Here's the direct link to our team page:
https://raceroster.com/events/2018/15365/now-i-lay-me-down-to-sleep-2018-remembrance-walk-oh/pledge/team?id=54
On this page, you can join our team, or pledge to support us, and read a brief summary of our story.

Thank you so much!

💖💖💖IN MEMORY OF CHARLES PEACOCK WARNER, OUR LITTLE TIGER CUB🐅🐅🐅

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Triggersville

(Posted next morning, due to upload issues. I will add the pictures this morning)(Edited on 2/23 evening to add photos.)

Dear friends,

Right now my eyes are burning because I've been crying, and it wouldn't take much to get me going again. Today has actually been a pretty good day, but right at the end there have been several Triggers (things that make me think of Charlie and make me emotional).

The first was seeing a picture of these rosette mourning cockades a dear friend made for us, to wear while reenacting, in remembrance of our little one. I'm so glad she was willing to make them, and wearing them felt so right. Today she put a picture of them in her "I made this" album on Facebook. This is totally fine! It just brings thoughts of Charles more to the surface.

When the mail came, we got a personalized thing we'd ordered for Charlie for his birthday in June. It came out beautifully, and I can't wait to show you!

🐅

This evening I watched a video called "A Sloth Named Velcro", which was basically a nature documentary, but included several cute baby sloths, too.

I also reposted something on Facebook, which spurred a conversation about how I'm a mama despite my child never having lived beyond pregnancy. It was a good conversation, but touching, and it then brought up memories of the Mother's Day just before Charlie was born. I hadn't thought of myself as a true mother yet - maybe half, but not wholly - and I really wish I had.

And at this point I wept.

The images in my mind were the movements of the baby sloths, and the regret of not taking a Mother's Day carnation 2 years ago, and the loss and love for Charlie... It was overwhelming.

I'm hugging my Pookie as I write this. He's a very good bear, a very nice one to have around.

I'm dedicating this post to all the mamas who feel like they aren't mamas. You are.

And to all the loss mamas who have lots of smooth days and then get surprised by a row of triggers. It happens... It's ok. I'm finding something that helps me remember Charlie but feel less sad (Pookie), and each minute comes a little easier. And I'll be back on my feet in a bit, and brush my teeth and settle in for the night, and I'll be ok. Crying helps... It's a sign I love and miss my boy, and reminds me that I love and miss him even when I'm not crying, and that's ok too.

💕

Being a Loss-Mama has a lot going on. Who knew that learning about 6 species of nearly cold-blooded upside-down mammal would be what got me today?

Love
Sarah