Support and How I Changed

(Topic: grief after loss support, holidays)

Our mantle, stockings, and present area - no tree this year.

Hi Friends,

This year is different. This is our 4th Christmas after Charlie died, and every year has been different, but this year is really different.

For the last 3 years, my reaction to Christmas has been what you see in support articles: a combo of needing to be involved, but not wanting to be involved; feeling angry; feeling left out; feeling overwhelmed.

Titles of articles I'm seeing this year:
Grief at Christmas
What's to be Done About the Empty Stocking
A Letter to the Grieving Mom This Holiday Season

6 Ways To Survive The Holidays Without Your Child

Dear Santa: On Christmas In Heaven

10 Simple Reasons the Holidays Hurt

My Wish For Christmas After Child Loss

Getting Real About Another Holiday Season After Loss

7 Ways To Ease The Pain For Bereaved Loved Ones This Holiday Season

Five Simple Ways to Include Your Child in the Holidays

Dear Loss Mama: It’s Ok To Grieve This Christmas

The First Year – Navigating These Seasons When Your Child Has Died
Creating New Holiday Traditions

There is nothing wrong with any of these blogs and articles. They are all valid views, and many would have been comforting to me in the past and are probably helpful to new loss parents.

But this year is different.

I'm in a different headspace about the holiday, and it's really helping me. I wrote about a new approach, a new perspective, that occurred to me this year. Instead of being a grinch, and thinking about Mary as actually having a baby, which created a lot of jealousy, reframing it as a memorial birthday really helped. Now I think of it as a loss mom - not an infant loss mom, but still, related - who is remembering fondly the birthday of her loved one, and hoping to see him in heaven again someday. That, I can get behind.

That doesn't mean I didn't have sad moments.

I totally did. But they were isolated, and didn't tinge the whole holiday for me!

The moment that got me was singing Silent Night. It's a lullaby, and the alto part is pretty too, and it's about holding a silent baby - really, this author says it so well I cried again reading this article:

In The Pain And Holiness Of Silent Nights by DeAndrea Dare.

But over all, I had a good holiday, which was a refreshing change from the last few years.

I hope your holiday was gentle to you.

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Cardboard Chic - House Tour

(Topic: Moving)

Hi Friends,

Currently, my living room aesthetic is "cardboard chic" - available at your local packing supplies dealer!

Yep, still working on unpacking from the move I mentioned several weeks ago. As I'm sure you've noticed, I've been fairly quiet on here. Several reasons: One, I didn't want to give exact dates of the move, because while I know most of my readers, I don't know everyone :) and don't want to over-bare my soul on the internet! But more directly: I'd actually planned to have pre-written and auto-released posts for the weeks I'd be too busy to write, but things got busier faster than anticipated, and I never actually got the posts prepared.

Now, though! New home, half set up, and reliable internet, so it's now possible to take writing breaks when I'm tired of unpacking!


First off, I'll show you some of the chaos that we walked into when coming into the house when the movers were done, then I'll show you some of what I've been working on. You'll get a full tour of the new place!

Pookie helping me bring boxes home from the Uhaul store when we were still moving out. He was a bit tired of cardboard too.

My view as the movers carried everything into the new house!

The office: chaos.

The initial chaos of the living room after the movers were done. Note the bear enjoying his new home!

Our narrow kitchen, mostly put together, from the dining room door.

Our little kitchen as viewed from the back door :)

Bedroom, mostly functional!

We got the bathroom functional pretty quickly. Isn't it nice?!

Our front step, with the lilies our former landlord gave us!

Well, that was the initial chaos. So then, we started unpacking, placing furniture, and getting organized! (I mean, the bathroom and kitchen and the basics in the bedroom got done in the first 2 days, but beyond that... chaos!)

Step one in the office: placing hubby's desk, shelf, and cabinet.

Soon realized that the dark shelf was narrower and thus perfect for a different spot, so we swapped that shelf!

There's a nook in the office that I initially thought would fit two of the tall shelves. Nope. This narrow shelf wasn't ideal there either...

...but the brown shelf fit perfectly!

The narrow shelf ended up between hubby's desk and my desk/sewing table. It's working pretty well, actually!

I actually have all the shelves filled and organized in the office now, but we still have a bit of chaos lingering before I'll take "final version" pictures. Nearly there, though!

I ended up putting up two shelves in the bedroom. I'd hoped a third would fit, but it would overlap the light switch! Not practical... We ended up putting a rounded corner table in that spot instead.

Like with the office, the bedroom is nearly done, but still has a bit of tidying up before I can take final pictures! That's four rooms done (mostly): bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, office.

So what's left? Dining room and living room! (There's a basement, which is organized with plastic shelving but not much to look at, so we'll skip that.)

Here's a picture of the dining room in progress. The kitchen island on the left is right next to the pass-through, so if we need an extra person chopping veggies, they can do it there and hand them in (the kitchen is too small for 3 people, and a bit tricky even for two). Cookbooks on the shelf in the middle, and who knows exactly what will end up on the baker's rack! The dining table extends out from there.

I don't have pictures of the living room, but we seem to somehow have 2 seats too many to fit! We'll figure it out, and then I'll take pictures and show you. In all, we like this place, and think it will be a great home for us!

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Father's Day Is Hard For Us

(Topic: Grief, dealing with grief, triggers, pictures, loss, stillbirth, pregnancy and infant loss)

Hi Friends,

Charlie was born on Father's Day.

This weekend is so, so hard for us, every year.

It's odd, how my mind works. It doesn't know what date Thursday was that year, or Friday, or Saturday - I only remember the date of Sunday because it was his birthday. But I remember what happened by the day of the week.

That makes Father's Day weekend hard, harder than his birthday date, actually. Because I remember (can't help remembering, which is akin to a PTSD type reaction) based on the time of day and day of the week.

This year, I'm distracting myself to get through it. We're still honoring Charlie with a birthday party, but overall, I'm focusing on other things (and you know, I have plenty of logistical stuff to focus on...).

But I'm triggered by so many things. Even last week, basically anytime in June, I'm much more sensitive. The year Charlie was buried, there were little blue dragonflies in the cemetery constantly. Last weekend I saw teal ones with black wings. Nothing alike, except the vibrancy of the color, and that they were dragonflies. But I cried. I'm on edge constantly, never knowing what thing might remind me.

This weekend is the worst, though.

Thursday was the night Charlie was still fine. The baby was still moving on Thursday, I'm fairly sure. We played a boardgame that night, and I felt him wiggling and shifting. I'd been having braxton hicks all week, so I knew baby was getting ready.

He must have turned to get into position that night, and turned the wrong way and gotten tighter tangled.

Friday something was off. He was sideways for a bit, and I wasn't believed about that, except by my hubby. Baby had been so consistently head down, so I couldn't possibly be right, right?

Saturday was the horrible day. The silent ultrasound. The hospital. All the medical side of it.

Sunday he was born, Sunday we held him.



It's so hard, being thrust into those memories by anything and everything. By noting the day of the week, noting the time of day, just being - just knowing, at this time, this happened.

I don't want to viscerally remember. I want the bad memories to be more distant.



I love Charlie so much. And there was such mixed emotion on his birthday. Seeing his little nose, laughing at his giant hands and feet, after I'd given my best friend such a hard time about her baby's big feet. So many things I remember and never want to forget, but there are so many things I wish I at least had more distance from. So much emotional pain, wracking sorrow.

So, this weekend is hard. This year, I'm leaning toward distractions, and have asked friends to help me find funny or silly or interesting videos to watch (but avoiding trigger issues), so I can laugh, and focus on something besides the deep ache inside me.


This is my baby. I love him, and I miss him so much.

Our family, complete.

My favorite picture from that day. Daddy, holding Charlie.

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Not Weak OR Strong: Filling My Toolbox

(Topic: Vocabulary, Definitions)

Hi Friends,

A few weeks ago, I posted about the word "strong", and how it applies to me. Or more specifically, I expressed my frustration that the word has two meanings - but that the meanings are completely opposite.

I had several friends comment or chat with me, saying they thought I was strong - and then telling me how they meant the word "strong" - and I really appreciate it, because I now know how that person means it.

However, that doesn't actually help the issue, because the fact is, the word is ambiguous in our culture at large. And because of that, I still don't like that word. Our culture, as a whole, still uses "strong" in two ways, and often with emphasis on the idea of not showing emotion in public.

I had one conversation, though, that changed the question completely.

What if the question isn't "Am I strong?" - what if the question becomes "How am I dealing with my situation?" and "What skills do I have?"?

This changes the whole conversation (and, key point, uses words with no ambiguity).

For instance, an example of what had made me feel "weak" before: When the outfit I picked out the night before an event didn't end up fitting right, I panicked and got overwhelmed and cried, and couldn't even figure out a new outfit.

After this conversation with my friend, she helped me understand that my body (and bodies, being what they are, aren't great at telling the difference between physical trauma and emotional trauma) just knew that it was under attack (from grief) and that the attack was ongoing and needed attention. Thus, a minor setback (the dress not fitting right) became something extra to deal with - and was "too much". It's not that I've lost the ability to deal with a minor setback. My resources are simply all already used on the "attack" (grief) and thus aren't available for dealing with additional issues.

That is the "how am I dealing with it" portion: my resources are all allocated to grieving, leaving me with little leftover. So then the "skills" part: the more skillfully I tend my grief, and the more extra skills I lay down for dealing with other things that come up, will mean that my resources will be more usefully allocated and I will "deal" with life better.

Skills such as noticing that I'm getting overwhelmed, and then employing tools such as meditation, relaxation techniques, or other techniques for calming down or removing myself from the trigger (all of which are tools, but still require practice to build skills in using them, too). And the more tools I have, and the more skills I have, the more I will function more normally, and the less the grief will overwhelm everything (time helps with this, but is definitely not the only factor).

So my friend says: we aren't "strong" or "weak": we're building skills.

I like that.

Also, I now also pick out two outfits the night before events: one that is pretty and might work, and one that is fine but comfy and safe. So I've added that "tool" to help avoid a situation that I know to be overwhelming.

As my friend always signs off:
You are loved, and you are safe. (She's a pretty awesome friend.)

With love,

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Pookie Helps Pack!

(Topic: Moving, Anxiety)

Hi Friends,

I think I've dropped a few hints, so you may have gathered: we're moving this summer! (Obviously, for privacy, I'm not posting about where or when...)

As you can imagine, it's a bit of an emotional mixed bag, especially since I don't know what it will be like living farther away from Charlie's grave. I am excited, though, about some aspects, such as having a larger kitchen and a lovely deck on our new house!

Here's Pookie, showing off our new front step and our new fireplace!!

This was when the landlord was redoing carpet and cleaning the house, so don't mind the floor. Isn't the mantle nice, though?

 I'm already thoroughly sick of boxes. But Pookie is pretty game, and helps out a lot!

There's a lot done, but still a lot to go...

Tape hat??

What a goof!!

We have packed a whole WALL of boxes! Pookie thinks we should reassemble them into a castle fort.

Handsome no matter the backdrop ♡

Helping pack a fragile box. He thinks it should say "Handle with Bear".

Packing paper bath!!!

Uh oh, someone found the labels...

Stay tuned for a post this Saturday about how to fix socks that are too tight :)
See you soon!


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Am I Strong?

(Topic: grief, strength, definitions)

Hi Friends,

Several times recently, I have been told I am strong. Over the last few years, it's happened a few times more. Most frequently I have been told this by strangers, who don't know anything about me, and who have just heard about Charlie - and if I'm not crying, then I'm "strong" and they don't think they could have done it.

Here's the thing: They could have done it.

I had two choices: live with it somehow, or don't live.

People don't seem to realize that what they're proposing as an alternate option is suicide, and get really uncomfortable if I point that out. Suicide was never an option for me, but I know people who have been suicidal or who at least wish they were dead - so they could be with their child. I get it. That's just not how I think of it (for me, personally). I don't wish I were dead, I wish Charlie were alive.

So, since suicide wasn't an option for me, I lived with it. With my new, terrible, sucky reality. Living with it does not make me strong. I see myself as weaker than before, actually. But let's take a sec to define what strong means, because that's actually the crux of this matter. What do people mean when they say "you're so strong"?

a) that I can deadlift 150 lbs?
b) that I don't show emotion in public?
c) that I DO choose to talk about hard topics in public?
hint: it's not a.

B and C are usually not used by the same person, because they have contradictory meanings. And that's where I run into issues. When strangers use the word "strong" on me, I have no idea what meaning they are using it as, and since our culture usually goes with B, it's pretty certain that's what the stranger means. But is that really strength?

One loss mom talks about strength here, and she seems to view "strength" as a mask you put on - so more like B. In fact, that definition seems to be pretty culturally prevalent, actually.

But admitting that something is hard - and being open about it - and being emotional and vulnerable in public - is actually more work, and so some people choose to understand "strong" to mean option C.

Unfortunately, option B and option C are completely diametrically opposed, and having ONE word mean TWO OPPOSITE THINGS is really, really problematic. So if someone says I'm being strong, I have no idea if they mean I'm repressing my emotion to appear unmoved in public, or if they mean I'm being "bravely open about it". As you might guess, I really don't find the first option to be a great or healthy idea. (I am not talking about whether or not you choose to share about your loss. That's a different topic entirely. I'm talking about how people respond once you do decide to share.)

A few paragraphs ago I mentioned that I feel like I'm weaker than before. Here's why I say this: In a world where I had one choice (in my mind), which was to live with what had happened - somehow - because the alternate was to devastate my husband further (and because I want to be with him, and wish Charlie were here, not that I were dead with Charlie...), in this world where I had one choice, I chose it. I lived. My reality sucks, sometimes, though. Before Charlie died, minor things going wrong didn't upset me as often, or to the level, that they upset me now. Before Charlie died, I wasn't overwhelmed as often. Before Charlie died, I could sometimes comfort or help other people without becoming upset myself. And because one of the prevalent views of strength in our country is to not need help - and being upset usually involves needing help, or comfort, or some sort of assistance - it did not and does not feel like strength. It feels like weakness.

But this is not the side of me that most people see.

Most people see me in "public" because they are the "public". I often reserve crying and shows of emotion for at home. In fact, our culture often expects men to "be strong" for their wife - which means that grieving men are expected to not show emotion when their wife shows emotion - which is not healthy for the grieving man, either.

Repressing emotion isn't healthy for any of us, but it can feel shameful, embarrassing, or weak to cry or show sadness or other related feelings (depression, anxiety, being overwhelmed, PTSD) in public. So, many grieving parents squash or hide it, and even if they choose to talk openly and passionately about their loss and even if they are activists for change in the world of pregnancy and infant loss, it often comes with the parent quashing the feelings that would be considered "weak emotion" when in public.

So if you ever want to say I'm strong, know that I'm struggling with how our culture usually defines the word, regardless of how you mean it. Please consider being more specific about what you say ("you are brave to speak out about your child" or "I feel like I would cry all the time. I bet it's hard."). Each loss parent has different phrases or topics that might be difficult, so think about what you say - but don't let that stop you from talking to us. It's hard to reach out when you are grieving, and it can be isolating. If I don't say yes right away, don't force me, just be patient and ask again another time. And if you aren't sure about whether something you say would be a phrasing that might bother someone, explain what you are trying to mean, and ask them how they would like you to say it. I know I truly appreciate the people to take a minute to try to understand my worldview, and language is an important aspect of it.

Love to you and all of yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Mother's Day and Father's Day on my Mind at Once - Plus Tips on How to Support a Grieving Loved One

(Topic: grief, holidays, support)

I know a mama who planted an azalea for every one of her babies who died. This one in my yard makes me think of her.

Hi Friends,

This post is a bit later than I'd intended, because this week is a tough one for loss families of many kinds. Being a mother who lost a child (at any age), or being a child (of any age) who lost a mother at some point - or being a non-traditional mother in any way you might be able to think of - all make Mother's Day a particularly tricky holiday, since much of the publicity and focus of the holiday is on a traditional mother with traditional living children of her own DNA.

There is actually an International Bereaved Mother's Day, which is on the 1st Sunday in May instead of the 2nd Sunday - primarily used to specifically support loss moms and to raise awareness. However, regular Mother's Day was actually founded in honor of a loss mom, so opinions are mixed about whether having a separate day is necessary or helpful.

Because of my background, I'm going to focus more on my personal experience of being a mother who lost a pregnancy (and thus a baby), but who isn't visible as a mother (because of having no living children).

A friend of mine suggested that this post should be tips on how to get through the holiday. I thought I'd seen some articles about that, and can't find ones with specific tips. My main thought for you, though, is just to listen to your gut: if you want to do things like church or brunch or being with family, do it! If you want to stay home, do that! Just communicate with your spouse or whomever you live with, so that everyone is on the same page, otherwise someone might have different expectations of what will happen, and that is a recipe for hurt feelings really easily, especially because we are more likely to be emotional. (I am going to link to some other articles, both for loss moms and for supporting friends and family, at the end of the post.)

Here's the thing for us, though, that complicates Mother's Day: we end up thinking a lot about Father's Day at the same time. I know they are a month apart, but the little boy who made me a mother was born on Father's Day, so thinking of him and the story of his death and birth all at once (because I'm thinking of how I'm a mom) also makes me think of the day he was born.

Last year, I followed my heart and figured out that I really wanted to have a more traditional Mother's Day, so we went to church, I got given a carnation, and I asked to be taken out to brunch even though I knew that being around so many families with kids would be hard. And it meant a lot to me, and went well.

This year, I don't know if it's me being more confident in my invisible motherhood or if I'm just in a different place in my life, or whether I have so much other stuff on my mind with our upcoming move etc, but this year I don't want all the trappings of Mother's Day. A friend asked if I would be ok with her sending me a card - and I am! I still appreciate having my mother-ness recognized. But I don't feel the need to be public about it this year. It's simplified by the fact that Mother's Day happens to fall on a family birthday this year, so we're really focusing the weekend on celebrating that birthday, which lets me largely ignore the other holiday aspect.

So here is my tip for family and friends who want to support a grieving family, whether it's Mother's Day, or Father's Day, or actually really any other holiday (because it will be on our mind that our little one should have been there and isn't): listen to the grieving parent. Listen to anything they say or hint about whether they are excited or uncomfortable, whether there are parts of the holiday they are not looking forward to or are nervous about. And respect that feeling: don't push them into doing something they aren't comfortable with. Also, ask if you're not sure! I really appreciated my friend asking whether I was comfortable getting a Mother's Day card. It left the choice in my hands, which meant I could respect my feelings in how I replied. Don't assume that the grieving family doesn't want to do something. They might want to, or they might have mixed feelings, or they might even change their mind just before hand, or even have to leave halfway through. Please respect that. By listening to their gut and their heart, they are taking care of their mental health.


Have a gentle Mother's Day, however you choose to do it. 💗

To the Mothers Hurting on Mother's Day (this article acknowledges the feelings you may have)

This Mother’s Day: Honoring the Mothers Whose Empty Arms Ache (this article also acknowledges your feelings)

7 Ways to Include the Grieving Mother on Mother's Day (for friends and family)

7 Ways to Remember the Hurting Mothers this Mother's Day (for friends and family)

Supporting the Mama Who is Pregnant After Loss on Mother’s Day (for friends and family supporting a mom having a subsequent pregnancy)

Supporting Your Friend On Mother’s Day: When The Day Is Not ‘Happy’ (some ideas for moms, and several helpful ones for friends and family)


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Thoughts about Easter

(Topics: Grief and Anxiety, mental health, Easter/Religion, cemeteries)

Hi Friends,

The other day, I spent the day with Charlie.

I have been feeling really, really sad and overwhelmed lately. Sometimes, when I'm feeling heavy, it's very hard for me to figure out why - and knowing why makes it easier for me to either live with the feelings, or to find something to do to help.

I felt like I've been having a harder time than usual staying steady when life threw me curve balls (as life always does, on smaller and larger scales). When my hubby also commented on that, I decided to call my therapist to see if I could get in for an extra session.

(Side note: there is NO SHAME in asking for extra help! I know it's hard. It's hard to know when to ask, and it's hard to ask. It can be hard to admit that you aren't able to do it all yourself. I encourage you to set up support systems so it's easier to ask for help. For instance, I have friends who I trust, who know my whole story and things I struggle with. I can easily vent to them, because I don't have to explain anything. But I also don't want to burden them - so I also have a therapist. Therapists are AMAZING, guys. If you try a therapist, and you don't feel comfortable, it's ok to go to a new one. FIND THE RIGHT FIT FOR YOU 💗💓. Once you find someone you like, the point is that they are trained to help and trained to listen - but they are OUTSIDE the situation. They won't get hurt feelings, and they won't get mad. They JUST HELP. And it's AMAZING 💕💓.)

I got an extra session to get help, because even things that seemed like they should be little were feeling big. My therapist is my outside perspective, and helps me find my rational brain but also helps me acknowledge my emotions.

In this session, she helped me identify stressors that were overwhelming me, or stressing me out, or triggering my grief - even when sometimes it was super subconscious.

I actually prepare a little for my sessions by taking notes on rough days, of what bothers me or big things that happen. This helps guide what we talk about and helps me feel like we use the time a little more effectively (this is not everyone's style - you do you!).

Above the line, notes to tell the therapist.
Below, notes written afterward, with some of what we talked about.

After we went through my list, I asked - WHY?? Why is everything so hard right now?? And she literally sat there and counted things off on her fingers, guys. Counted things back off to me, that I had told her about, but also helped me identify a few more things that had been in the background, that I had not yet seen clearly enough to name.

One was that, the last time we moved, it was not only right after Charlie died, it was literally because Charlie died. We had planned to wait to move until he was 3-6 months old before we moved. Instead, we were in our new place about a month after. So since we're moving sometime this summer, that might be a reason that packing and planning is so hard for me to work on.

One of the other things she pointed out is that Easter is - like Christmas - about a mother, but this time about the son dying. And coming back again...
Mary is a complicated figure for me. Really complicated.

So after we'd identified what some of the triggers were (there were about a half a dozen others, too....), we talked about how to find some relief. Some comfort, and a way through, through the sad and the pain, because the stress isn't as heavy when the sad isn't weighing me down.

The other day, I spent the day with Charlie.

The main solution she suggested was to let myself feel. To spend some time with Charlie, if I could, but to remember and feel and cry and just be, with my pain and sorrow, and weep if I need to.

The universe (God?) listened to my need. I had been worried that I couldn't find time, since it's a decent distance to Charlie's grave; and to sit and feel, I couldn't be rushed. But one of my scheduled items got cancelled, and suddenly I had a whole day ahead of me, to go to my little boy.

I spread out my blanket, and opened the umbrella to keep the sun off (and in case it rained), and I sat down with Charlie, and lay with him, and talked to him.

I told him how much I missed him and how much I wanted to hold him... and I wept.

Tears do cease, at some point. The pain behind my sternum, the pressure in my throat does ease, as though the tears wash out a tightness and release something.

I weeded his garden, and touched some of the decorations and memorials we have for him there.

And I lay with my chest over where he is buried. The closest I can come to holding him.

The other day, I spent the day with Charlie.

It means so much to me, to have a place to care for, that is just his, and his alone.

I have a complicated relationship with Mary, Jesus' mom. Her baby was born alive, which hurts at Christmas. She gets to see him grow up. But she suffers through his death. I imagine that she hurts inside, behind her sternum, so tight it hurts to breathe. I imagine she weeps so deeply she convulses in Joseph's arms. I imagine she knows this pain. But. He lives again. My Charlie doesn't yet.

Jesus died right before a Jewish holiday. That meant that his body had to be dealt with before the sun went down that Friday, and couldn't really be tended to properly until the Sabbath and the Passover was over. Joseph of Arimathea was the guy who put the body in the tomb in the right cloths. He made sure the basics were taken care of, that were important.

But women went to care for his body, to lay him to rest and to say their last goodbyes. Those are the women I watch, in this story. They prepare the ointments to rub on the body, to do the rites of burial and death from their culture, to make things right, as much as you can when someone dies. They go back after their holiday, to finish things.

We know who those women were, because they were the eyewitnesses that Jesus was gone (alive, risen, back).

I care who they were, because they were the grave tenders. The ones who would have placed the headstone and served the funeral lunch and planted flowers with his mom, if it were now.

The book of Matthew says it was Mary Magdalene and the other Mary. The book of Mark says it was women including Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James the younger and of Joses, and Salome (so that was a pretty large group). The book of Luke says it was the women who had followed Jesus from Galilee, and also lists them as Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the other women. In the book of John it's only Mary Magdalene.

No matter who it was, they cared. They took the time to go, and planned to care intimately for his body, hands on. I wish so hard I'd been able to do more of the funeral care myself, for Charlie. This isn't something our culture is used to, anymore. And I did not know to ask for it, and I don't know if I would have wanted it at the time -- in hindsight, though, I miss caring for my little boy, giving him the final kiss in his coffin.

I saw a picture, last month. It was a mama and a papa, tucking their baby into his coffin, into his "forever crib". Seeing that, suddenly my heart longed for having done that for Charlie.
To care for a body, to minister to their last cares on earth, is an act of pure love. Of closure. Of peace within sorrow.

As I lay with Charlie, my breast filling the hollow in the earth beneath which he rests, I felt complete and yet bereft. Filling the hole in my heart, the gaping hole in my life with the closest thing I could.

The other day, I spent the day with Charlie. 

While I was there, I read a book to Charlie. We read to Pookie regularly, and it's a thing we can hold onto - one of the things we'd looked forward to, so much. So many other things were taken away, but that we can still do.

I also read a graphic memoir, called Rosalie Lightning, written by a father whose daughter died of SIDS. His experiences - his raw emotion - reading that while visiting Charlie -
He talked of how a loss parent's attention can be grabbed by other children of the right age, how we can stare, stare at what could have been.

Today is the day before Easter. The in-between. The waiting - for us, who know how the story ends. For those back then, the second day since. Counting life based on the life-changing moment. For me, two days ago was 2 years and 10 months. Since.

Charlie is nearly three. How do you plan a birthday party for the 3rd year since a death?

I'm always aware of how old he is/would be/would have been.

Today is the day before Easter as I write this, Saturday. Some churches hold a vigil, traditionally held from before midnight until after midnight, to celebrate the moment of Easter at the turning point of the night.

We went to an evening vigil service. When the priest was preaching about the Easter life, the Christian life, is to focus on LIFE not death - all I could think was, how intrusive is death. How hard, not to think of loss, even with the promise of life.

Right then, two 3-year-olds started to get restless and play.

My Charlie.

I should have been dealing with a restless Charlie.

Every day, I spend the day with Charlie.

No matter what, he's on my mind. This is a holiday (holy day) about life, promise of life, promise of future life, power over death.

My son is dead.

My religion gives promise, hope.

But everyday, my son is not in my arms.

My son is on my mind. My son is in my heart. Everyday, he is with me. I'm the one staring at your son, thinking of what my son might have said, might have done, and hurting.

I'm the one rocking a teddy bear, because my baby is dead.

I understand the hope with my head, but not yet with my heart. I have to take any tiny bit that my heart can understand.

To the lady who passed the peace to my bear, please know that in my heart, you passed the peace to my son. Thank you. I may cry, but my heart is lighter.

💛

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Searching for Silver Linings

(Topic: life after loss)

Hi Friends,

If you lost your favorite sweater, would you appreciate me saying, "at least it was one that wasn't flattering"? No, you would likely appreciate it much more if I said, "I'm so sorry, that really sucks. I hope you find it."

Not that when someone dies, you can just "find" them again (I'll have to rant sometime about the use of the words loss/lost for death/dead/died...).

When someone in your life dies, it's surprising how many people think it's ok to say "at least", as though finding some supposed benefit would offset the loss and make it all better.

There is no "at least" in grief.

There is something else, though, that is harder to express. There actually are silver linings. Not an "at least". Saying "he didn't suffer" is an "at least", it's not a silver lining. A silver lining is a good thing that happens or that you can do, that would not have happened if the tragedy hadn't occurred.

Let me give you some examples.

It is a good thing that I developed my spreadsheet of resources, because it helps other loss families. I would never have thought of doing it if Charlie hadn't died.

There is an organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep, that takes pictures of babies who have died. They do wonderful things for loss families by helping them have visual memories of their child. They would not exist if the founders' baby hadn't died.

 If you look into it, almost any helping organization or research only exists because someone experienced the tragedy that the organization or research is helping to provide support for or battle to minimize.

All I'm saying is that if you are spending time with a grieving person, saying "at least" and finding trivialities that minimize their loss is not helpful. However, pointing out the good they are doing for others (and maybe noting that they are doing it in memory of someone) might be helpful - it is a silver lining - good coming out of tragedy, which is a powerful force and motivator. Sometimes knowing the darkness helps you know to light a lamp for others coming behind you through the same valley.

With love,

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Constant Inundation

(Topic: life after loss, triggers)

Hi friends,

One of the crazy and difficult things about life after loss is that many, many things can remind me - in some way - of the loss. Whether it's something that reminds me of Charlie directly (like seeing babies and toddlers), reminds me of a symbol for him (like tigers or dragonflies or peacocks), or reminds me of an experience related to him (such as pregnant women, certain baby clothes, or even empty paper towel tubes, they're everywhere. And when one of these reminders brings on a really strong reaction, it's a "trigger" and can result in me getting majorly upset or having a panic attack. Not all of these triggers are going to be obvious, even to someone who knows me, so sometimes it can seem like I get upset out of nowhere.

Then, because of the way this affects the mind of the grieving parent, there can be secondary ramifications, such as the fact that death and loss are an uncontrollable thing, so some loss parents get very particular about planning and control, much like people who suffer from clinical anxiety. Other parents have depression-like symptoms, with feelings of hopelessness. As you might imagine, sudden changes of plans might be a trigger for the first type, and things going wrong might be problematic for the second type. So as you might imagine, since the mental effects of infant loss are far reaching, the triggers can be many and varied, and non-obvious.

I'm mentioning this because you may have noticed that my posting can occasionally be erratic. I try to post loss-related content on Wednesdays and hobby-related content on Saturdays. But lately that has been less reliable. Why? Because there have been hard days, triggers, grief events, and also just generally busy life interfering with writing. It can be very difficult to write about grief, so I try to do it on a day I'm feeling calm and collected. I also try to work ahead, and have posts ready so I'm not writing them the night before or the day of. But if I'm having a string of hard days, of Charlie days, I'm not always able to write. So I sometimes run out of prepared posts, don't have the emotional energy to write new ones, and then something everyday might come up in my life that day, and Poof! No new post that week.

I'm not writing this as an excuse, or a groveling apology. This blog is intended to be honest and raw and show you some of what infant loss grief is like if you don't personally know, and to be a fellow-parent if you are someone who DOES know. So this post is intended to be honest and true about some of the difficulties I face in writing for you.

Over the past few weeks we've had some larger issues come up that triggered our grief (that I'm not ready to write about here), as well as some smaller ones (like seeing an empty paper towel tube while at a knitting shop, like seeing a tiger logo on a public bathroom changing table, like getting to visit Charlie for the first time in a while). We are also planning and packing for a move, and I'm trying to build a business, and hubby's hours are long. It all adds up, and in the end, I'm just tired. Did you know that grief is exhausting? It really is.

So now that you know some of what I'm facing, I'd like to ask for your patience when I'm having weeks like this. I will do my best to still provide content for you to read, when I can. In turn, I'd like to ask for your help in 2 ways:

1) Let me know if you liked a post! Tell me that you read it, tell me why you liked it, or what touched you about it. Knowing that my posts are actually read and appreciated is a HUGE help to my motivation! I even had an email last week from my mom last week, because she recognized the shirt I'd made Pookie's bagpipes out of. It just said something like "I remember that shirt! It was comfy!". Even that little note just let me know that someone was out there and listening. Thank you.

2) Another way you could help would be to let me know what part of my life after loss would be interesting to hear about. To me, since I am learning to live with my circumstances, some things can feel everyday or normal, and it doesn't occur to me that it might actually be interesting for someone to read my reflections on it. Let me know!

Ever with love, and in memory of our baby Charlie and all the other little babies out there whose parents miss them so much,
Yours,
Sarah


To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Copyright anxiety

(Topic: Anxiety, copyright, right-of-usage)

Hi Friends,

I'm not sure if you've noticed that I try to post twice a week. Generally on Wednesdays I try to post something specific to life after loss, and on Saturdays I often keep it lighter with pictures of something I've made.

Recently, though, on January 26th, I missed a day without letting you know. And after that post, any pictures in my blog have had a copyright notice on them, either as a watermark or as text across the picture. Why?

Well, a blogger friend of mine has been having issues with her images and sometimes text being used without linking back to her blog (attribution), and without permission.

If someone wants to share one of our blog posts, it's easy: copy the link in your browser, and paste the link wherever! If you paste in Facebook, then your post in Facebook will have a preview of the post with a link and a picture. If you paste the link in Pintrest, it will let you choose which picture to show.

What you should not ever do, is save a picture and use it as though it were yours, without saying where it comes from. ALWAYS give credit to the person that the picture is from!

In the United States, by writing something, I own what I wrote ("copyright"). So anything that I write in my blog in my own words is mine. Out there for people to read, but it's mine! So to remind people, I put a copyright notice at the bottom of my blog.

~~~

Well, I had a conversation with my friend on how to prevent unauthorized usage that doesn't give her credit, such as adding a copyright notice at the bottom of her blog, adding watermarks or text to her images, and such, and talking with her on how to report Facebook or Pintrest posts that use her work without linking to her blog or giving her credit, and also advising her how to contact site administrators for other websites if people there are using her material.

I hope this conversation helped her.

Unfortunately, it had the side effect of making me worry that the same sorts of things were happening to my pictures and my posts. It's not as likely (her topic is much more sharable than mine) but it worried me so much that I couldn't post that day. Or the next day. Or the one after that.

The downside of life after infant loss is that you often end up with side-symptoms, like depression symptoms or anxiety symptoms or ptsd symptoms (though often not enough for a full diagnosis of that thing, interestingly). In my case, I have grief with a side of anxiety. This means that small things loom really large, and the idea of adding watermarks going forward was already difficult, but add to it the thought that someone might be stealing Charlie, and that I should add watermarks going back through all the old posts too!!! You might imagine that this ended up becoming a pretty hefty roadblock, mentally.

Once I worked myself back up to it, I started adding watermarks and text to my images just on the posts I was writing new, though I am also slowly working on older posts too. I'll be keeping my eye out for people using my material without permission - but if you see it first, please let me know!

In the meantime, if I post something useful, that you want to share, PLEASE DO!!!
JUST BE SURE TO DO IT BY COPYING THE LINK, NOT THE PICTURE!!!

Thank you all so much!!!💗💕


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

How many months?

(Topic: Age of deceased child, thoughts)

Hi Friends,

Charlie recently "turned" 2-1/2. He "wouldbe/is" a toddler to me, but what struck me that day was that I didn't notice the day until it was nearly over (December 19th, the "half-birthday").

Early on, I noticed when the 19th came along, every month. I even noticed the number 19, anytime it came up.

Lately I've been noticing them less and less, and I hadn't noticed that I wasn't noticing.
I felt so guilty, like I'd been forgetting Charlie himself (not true).

My therapist says it's normal to find normal life taking up more time, and it's normal to feel guilty (even when we didn't do anything wrong, and certainly haven't forgotten them).

But what helped most was what my husband said: Other parents, with living children, stop counting their child's age in months by about age 2. We're past that, and we're also not counting in months anymore - we're just being normal parents.

I love my husband so much.


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Designing a Church Website: Thoughts from a "younger" person

Designing a Church Website

Thoughts from a "younger" person

Who is this "younger" person?

I say "younger" because I'm no longer in my twenties... but I'm generally still within the age group that a lot of churches say they want to attract to their church. These are some thoughts and suggestions I have, based on my own experiences researching and visiting churches, as I looked for a congregation to be part of. My experience is largely based on Ohio churches in the ELCA Lutheran and Episcopal denominations of Christian, but the suggestions and thoughts apply more widely.

What am I looking for (and other visitors too)?

When I am looking for a church, I research using a church's website. So the things I look for right away are:

• What denomination is this church?
• When is its service(s)?
• Where is it located? 

Really, that's it. Anything else you want to put on the website is great, but shouldn't be the first thing I see.

Other useful things to have easy to find:

• Pastor/priest's name, and a bio is interesting
• A welcome greeting to visitors
• a "who we are" statement - NOT in churchy language! Needs to be easy for a non-churchgoer to figure out!

Also - make sure your Google Maps listing is up-to-date. You can make sure that the phone number, address, website, and "type" are correct (one church was listed as a "museum" which made it harder to find). You can also add office hours and service times. This is the first place many people check, especially if they are first-time or very sporadic visitors.

What purpose should your website serve?

This can be a pretty broad question, but as I implied above, a website is a great first-interaction. This means that visitors see the website as your "face" - it's how you're presenting yourself and your congregation. Yes, include activities and pictures and events, but make sure they aren't hiding the info a first-time visitor needs to see. A welcome message from the pastor/priest can be great. A basic statement on who you are and what your type of church believes can be really helpful. If you want to have a section for members, where there is info on events and sign-ups and schedules for volunteers, that's wonderful! Make it easy for them to find, but don't hide the info the first-time visitor needs. The more I have to search for info, the more likely that I'll give up and not even try to come to your church.

Don't assume that, in order to appeal to young people, your church has to have a certain type of music or worship. Just like any generation, young people have varied interests and needs. Simply be clear about what type of church you are, make it easy for me to figure out - and I'll find the church that fits me, rather than going to a church that isn't a good fit and being miserable.

 

How a church makes me feel welcome (or excluded)

One of the things I have found is that a lot of churches say they want young people to come, but they don't always act on that. By that I mean that many churches are very comfortable with how they have been for many decades. The act of including new people, fresh eyes, is by nature an act of change. Someone with fresh eyes might point out that something no longer makes sense, or comes across as hypocritical. Meeting those observations with an open dialog will create an environment where someone new feels welcome. Shutting down conversation will have the opposite effect. I love tradition - but a tradition with no purpose and no reason, especially if it comes across as hypocritical, may not actually be a tradition - it might be fossilization. Being willing to recognize that and be open to change can make a congregation really wonderful for a new person.

Additionally, many people my age have children. Make it clear what opportunities there are for children and how they are welcomed! They are the future of any church, and if they aren't welcome, their parents won't feel welcome either - and there goes the future. Have great programs for the kids in your church, set up safety protocols, create an environment where the children learn about what your church actually believes - and then gush to the visitors about it! We are excited to hear it - even if we don't have living children of our own yet. Many churches can also get really picky about children making sound during church. It's joyful noise and they are your future! But if your congregation isn't open to children who might make noise during service, make the information about your cry room or nursery easy to find, and clear to understand. Families that are comfortable with that style of church will find you, and those who don't feel comfortable with that and won't feel welcomed will know to find another church.

Singles are also interested in church sometimes. It is great to have activities at times of day that singles can participate (such as, not just Tuesday morning crochet group - That is a fine group to have, but excludes anyone who works. Think about evening and weekend times too. What about kid/stay-at-home-parent groups? Those could be during the day. Vary it! Change it up!). Make it easy to find information on activities, and who is welcome in each one, but don't push a visitor to join a group or especially to get on a committee. Pushing me to get on a committee makes me think you're desperate and don't care about me - only the labor I can provide. I had one pastor push hard for me to join a committee - the very first time we met! I shouldn't have had to blurt out "my son just died" for her to realize she was pushing too hard... Once I feel welcome, invite me to sit in on a group. Make it "no pressure". If I like you guys, I'm sure to become involved!

If you make an effort to care for God's kingdom/the earth, highlight it!!! It's great to see churches living out the word they preach by doing things such as recycling, using reusable dishes, banning Styrofoam and plastic (one place even gave plastic up for Lent as a whole congregation!), or even larger projects like solar, green roofs, bioswale drainage management, etc. This is important to a lot of people now, so surprise me with what you do! Try new things!

If you recognize visitors are there, it's also a great idea to announce whether or not they are welcome at communion, to point out how to sign up for notifications if you have them (see the next section), and to make sure that your service leaflet is clear (will they know which book to grab? Does your leaflet explain that? A "welcome to visitors" paragraph can be helpful.).

Once you have an idea of who you are as a congregation and how you want to approach visitors, it might be helpful to make sure the congregation all knows, too. We once visited a church where literally no one said hello to us. We may as well have been a part of the wall. Greet your visitors! Maybe consider having ambassadors, who will greet visitors, make sure they have a leaflet. Maybe sit with them? Offer them a tour of the church, and tell them about the church! In the churches where this was done, they ended up being wonderfully welcoming churches in many ways, so to us this indicates an overall attitude of openness to new people, which was great. Also, LISTEN to visitors if they tell you something isn't working! This happened to us once (their website wasn't mobile friendly, we mentioned it, and it was great by the next time we came!)  Especially if we get a chance to see it fixed, it really can raise our opinion of a church!

Show and talk about your vision for the church going forward. While tradition and history are essential, as a visitor who might be considering joining, the future of the church is where I'll end up, so that's important to me. This can be demonstrated in how you handle current events, where children fit in the congregations and the programs for them, community involvement, use of church building and grounds on days other than Sunday, etc. Running the church like it was 40 years ago can be very comfortable for the people who are already there, but it can make it very difficult to join in as a young person - especially a young single or a young childless couple - who might be very concerned with current issues, how the church reconciles theology/tradition with the here-and-now, and are looking for a place that can provide support to them and a home for them. Awareness of current topics, concerns, and technology, while being alert for hypocrisy or even heresy will make the church more accessible. Showing that decisions in the church are made with forethought, planning, and deliberation also shows that the congregation has an eye to the future.

How else can a church communicate with me?

Since we started out by talking about the website, let's get back to that. A website is your #1 place to put up announcements. If your services are combined one week and at a different time, put it on your website! If you have special services, like holiday services or memorial services that are open to the public, put that on your website too! Make it easy to find. A "calendar" page can actually be confusing. It's fine to have for members, but consider a list of events to make the info easy to find for non-members. Also, highlight how the church is active in the community doing God's work and living his message, not just what is offered within the congregation. This is a key piece for many people looking for a church - do you live what you preach? P.S. Make sure your site is mobile friendly! That is one of the frequent ways people will be accessing it, so it needs to be easy to read and navigate on a phone screen. Note: having to download documents to find information is cumbersome, and can even be truly impossible on a phone, so please have it all in html. Flash is also hard to manage on mobile.

If you want to keep repeat visitors informed, who aren't regulars, a great way is an email or texting service. Make it easy to sign up (put it in your bulletin or service leaflet! The pastor can even talk about it in the announcements if they notice new people). Send out updates anytime something is not standard!

If you send out weekly or monthly newsletters, that's awesome. You might consider having it as a separate signup than the "announcement" emails/texts, but maybe not. Make sure all the content is clear and easy to read, and is in the body of the email (clicking links or loading pdfs is clumsy, and many people won't do it because it's an extra step and doesn't function as well on mobile). This is a great way to communicate to all your members too, but remember to make sure you know who needs their copy mailed! Not all people - even "young" people - want everything digital. There are always some who are hard-copy people, and they should not be left out.

Facebook and other social media are nice, but not crucial. That said, having a basic Facebook business page, which is rather like a website, give you another place to list the basics: denomination, service times, location. It can make you easier to find. Posting updates here for particular services or time changes and announcements is easy, and it's a great place for occasional additional content like sermon excerpts, music, or pictures (make sure you have permission of all the people in the picture).

~~~

Thanks for listening! I'm about to start this whole process again, and I can guarantee I'll find many sites that look like they were built in the 90s and never updated, ones that are great for members but impossible to navigate for visitors, and some churches with no website at all - but I also anticipate that I'll find a handful that are great and that I'll learn even more great ideas from!


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss