New Years Resolutions

(Topic: Life after loss, grief, holidays)

Hi Friends,

I'm terrible at New Years Resolutions, and anyway, resolutions work better when you come to them bit by bit and work on them piece by piece.

But for fun, and for reflection, here are a few things that I'm currently working on:

1) Be patient with myself, and let my feelings be what they are.

I often "should" on myself - which means that I tell myself what I should do, what I should feel - when really I need to be patient and let myself get done what I can, appreciate what I have the energy to do, and acknowledge the feelings I have. (What naughty word does "should-ing" sound like? Does it sound like "should-ing" on yourself is a good idea???)

2) I will not let anyone's comments change how I honor my son and his memory.

Someone might be able to make a comment that hurts my feelings, but I will honor my own gut feelings and mama instincts in how I honor Charlie and his memory, and I will not let anyone change that (unless it's a good idea! In which case, bring it on 😊.)

3) I will also honor my physical self, and try to eat right and exercise more.

I know, this is on everyone's list. Here's specifically how I plan to do it: I will keep track of how much liquid I drink, and what I eat. I know from the past that if I hydrate well I feel better, and that if I track my food I tend to overeat less. I will walk more often, and once I've worked up to it a bit, I'll start walking 5K's again (only the ones with participation medals, though. If I don't get a Shiny at the end, there's not enough motivation for me!)

4) I will read.

Not more, not specific: I just challenge myself to read. Apparently many people struggle with reading after a grief event, and it hit me hard. For about a year I don't think I read anything longer than a short blog post. Then a librarian friend encouraged me and helped by vetting books so I wouldn't accidentally read something with triggers, and I found out that graphic novels and reading on a kindle work better for me than regular books (I haven't tried audio books yet). I don't read anywhere as much as I used to, but I now read again. So I will keep working on that. Follow me on Goodreads if you use it, if you want to see what I read - I will post on here about particularly interesting items, but not every book!


I feel like 4 is enough!! That gives me several things to work on as the year charges ahead. Comment below if you have a resolution that is life-after-loss related that you'd like to share!

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Am I Strong?

(Topic: grief, strength, definitions)

Hi Friends,

Several times recently, I have been told I am strong. Over the last few years, it's happened a few times more. Most frequently I have been told this by strangers, who don't know anything about me, and who have just heard about Charlie - and if I'm not crying, then I'm "strong" and they don't think they could have done it.

Here's the thing: They could have done it.

I had two choices: live with it somehow, or don't live.

People don't seem to realize that what they're proposing as an alternate option is suicide, and get really uncomfortable if I point that out. Suicide was never an option for me, but I know people who have been suicidal or who at least wish they were dead - so they could be with their child. I get it. That's just not how I think of it (for me, personally). I don't wish I were dead, I wish Charlie were alive.

So, since suicide wasn't an option for me, I lived with it. With my new, terrible, sucky reality. Living with it does not make me strong. I see myself as weaker than before, actually. But let's take a sec to define what strong means, because that's actually the crux of this matter. What do people mean when they say "you're so strong"?

a) that I can deadlift 150 lbs?
b) that I don't show emotion in public?
c) that I DO choose to talk about hard topics in public?
hint: it's not a.

B and C are usually not used by the same person, because they have contradictory meanings. And that's where I run into issues. When strangers use the word "strong" on me, I have no idea what meaning they are using it as, and since our culture usually goes with B, it's pretty certain that's what the stranger means. But is that really strength?

One loss mom talks about strength here, and she seems to view "strength" as a mask you put on - so more like B. In fact, that definition seems to be pretty culturally prevalent, actually.

But admitting that something is hard - and being open about it - and being emotional and vulnerable in public - is actually more work, and so some people choose to understand "strong" to mean option C.

Unfortunately, option B and option C are completely diametrically opposed, and having ONE word mean TWO OPPOSITE THINGS is really, really problematic. So if someone says I'm being strong, I have no idea if they mean I'm repressing my emotion to appear unmoved in public, or if they mean I'm being "bravely open about it". As you might guess, I really don't find the first option to be a great or healthy idea. (I am not talking about whether or not you choose to share about your loss. That's a different topic entirely. I'm talking about how people respond once you do decide to share.)

A few paragraphs ago I mentioned that I feel like I'm weaker than before. Here's why I say this: In a world where I had one choice (in my mind), which was to live with what had happened - somehow - because the alternate was to devastate my husband further (and because I want to be with him, and wish Charlie were here, not that I were dead with Charlie...), in this world where I had one choice, I chose it. I lived. My reality sucks, sometimes, though. Before Charlie died, minor things going wrong didn't upset me as often, or to the level, that they upset me now. Before Charlie died, I wasn't overwhelmed as often. Before Charlie died, I could sometimes comfort or help other people without becoming upset myself. And because one of the prevalent views of strength in our country is to not need help - and being upset usually involves needing help, or comfort, or some sort of assistance - it did not and does not feel like strength. It feels like weakness.

But this is not the side of me that most people see.

Most people see me in "public" because they are the "public". I often reserve crying and shows of emotion for at home. In fact, our culture often expects men to "be strong" for their wife - which means that grieving men are expected to not show emotion when their wife shows emotion - which is not healthy for the grieving man, either.

Repressing emotion isn't healthy for any of us, but it can feel shameful, embarrassing, or weak to cry or show sadness or other related feelings (depression, anxiety, being overwhelmed, PTSD) in public. So, many grieving parents squash or hide it, and even if they choose to talk openly and passionately about their loss and even if they are activists for change in the world of pregnancy and infant loss, it often comes with the parent quashing the feelings that would be considered "weak emotion" when in public.

So if you ever want to say I'm strong, know that I'm struggling with how our culture usually defines the word, regardless of how you mean it. Please consider being more specific about what you say ("you are brave to speak out about your child" or "I feel like I would cry all the time. I bet it's hard."). Each loss parent has different phrases or topics that might be difficult, so think about what you say - but don't let that stop you from talking to us. It's hard to reach out when you are grieving, and it can be isolating. If I don't say yes right away, don't force me, just be patient and ask again another time. And if you aren't sure about whether something you say would be a phrasing that might bother someone, explain what you are trying to mean, and ask them how they would like you to say it. I know I truly appreciate the people to take a minute to try to understand my worldview, and language is an important aspect of it.

Love to you and all of yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Awareness Ribbon Shirt

(Topic: Grief, being in public, explaining)

Hi Friends,

Remember this shirt?

A few days ago, I talked about how I altered the sleeves. Today I want to talk about wearing it.

Here's a picture of the front:

I first wore this in public on Mother's Day last year, and have worn it occasionally since. One of the reasons I like it is that it makes "being a mom" visible for me - I'm otherwise invisible as a mom unless you know me. I also feel that the awareness ribbon is fairly evident and recognizable. (I'll talk some other time about the pros and cons of the word "angel" in this context.)

Still, when wearing it, I have to balance being visible/recognized with being misunderstood or having to explain.

In fact, I've had two blatant misunderstandings, both leaving me baffled, when I thought the awareness ribbon shape is pretty widely understood in our culture.

Misunderstanding 1)
I wish my kid was an angel! (i.e. "well-behaved")

Misunderstanding 2)
I should have a shirt that says I'M an angel, for putting up with my wife!!!

I'm really baffled. I know I'm putting myself out there, by wearing a shirt like this, but I expected (like when carrying Pookie around) that people would say trite things and ask questions that bring Charlie up. I really didn't expect the self-centered misunderstandings that disregard the ribbon and the possible meanings of the text.

It's a truly unanticipated difficulty, honestly. I'm just not sure what to think.


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Photography at Cooperrider Bog

(Topic: Outdoors, New hobbies, touches on life after loss)

Hi Friends!

Recently, I went to Pookie's favorite place, which is one of my favorites as well. We don't go often, since it's about 45 minutes away, but it's only about 10 from where Charlie's buried, so I'll often go on days I visit the cemetery, if the weather's nice enough.

It's a local bog! - which is super cool anyway, because it's a true glacial bog, apparently, with sphagnum moss and blueberries (thus, Pookie's favorite place!) and cranberries and birch trees... just really pretty and quiet and usually a few degrees cooler than the surrounding area, too. There are also animals, though I usually don't see many: birds that I can always hear, turtles (haven't yet seen one), snakes (it was a garter snake I saw, and only one time). I almost always see many chipmunks, but not much of anything more, though I'm SURE there are others! And insects are pretty omnipresent except in winter. I love the dragonflies!

As you've seen in prior posts, one of my post-loss projects is finding my Self, and defining myself in other ways in addition to loss mama. One of the things I really enjoy - but have not yet achieved much mastery in - is photography. So here are a series of photos from my latest visit to the bog!

I think this looks like some sort of ancient times - not the Jurassic, but something exotically remote.

Birches and blueberry bushes.

Tamarack, I think.

Fog droplets on the needles.

Winding way.

Fall sky.

Fall ferns.

Animal tunnels? The blueberry bushes have little trails through them, each only maybe a foot high.

Across a marshy edge of the bog.

Wooded way

Thank you for looking at some of my favorite snapshots! I'm really happy with the composition and lighting a few of them, but all of them show one of my favorite places to take a short walk.



Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Exercise for ME

(Topic: Fitness after loss)

Hi Friends!

One of the biggest parts of my grief journey has been redefining my Self. This is something that everyone goes through at some point, but usually not to quite the same degree or for the same reasons (a mid-life crisis, for example, is suddenly taking a close look at who you are and what you're doing with your life - and then changing something!).

For me, the redefinition is completely because of how I'd pictured myself with a child, and in the grief process, I wasn't just missing Charlie, or even who Charlie would have been, I also didn't have the role in life I'd expected to have. I thought I'd be caring for him and behaving like a mommy, even to the point of having to realize that I'd been picturing doing chores with him around, so doing chores without him around became incredibly difficult.

I do many things in Charlie's memory, and one of the ways I've redefined myself has been as a memory-keeping-mama (still a mama, just a different kind) -- but it's also been very important to me to find other ways of existing and find new interests for myself.

So, kind of in memory of Charlie, one of the things I began to do was try to take care of my health. In the initial phases of grief, my fitness was completely unimportant - I overate and didn't exercise, but that's not what I was focused on initially - my mental health was more pressing. Eventually, however, my mental health got to a relatively stable place, and I was able to devote more attention to other things.

I started by trying to do better with food choices, and also started tracking my calorie intake (as of the 19th of November, I've been tracking for a whole year!). I found a lovely Facebook group at some point, of loss moms who wanted to focus on their physical health, but who wanted a group of people who understand some of the hurdles. This group of loss moms has been one of the best groups I've ever joined.

At some point, one of them suggested a virtual race, particularly a specific race that donated a portion of the profits to a charity - in this case, a pregnancy loss charity. I'd never done a virtual race before, so I followed the link someone posted and read about it.

A virtual race can be used for training or for motivation to do more fitness activities. Often, the company you order from provides a race bib and a medal, and you are accountable only to yourself for the miles - so you're really rewarding yourself, rather than them rewarding you. Most companies let you log the miles in pieces or even over different modes - so some people swim, or use a treadmill.

I don't run, I walk - so after I ordered the packet, I could have done my miles whenever I wanted. However, the ladies in my group all agreed to do the miles the same day, so we'd be doing them "together" despite not being located anywhere near each other.

I got a real thrill from this virtual race, also because it had been a long time since I'd walked or hiked more than one mile at a time. Doing a 5k (3.1 miles) was a huge step for me - and having a giant suncatcher medal made it very real and exciting! I posted about this particular race/walk in more detail back in September: My First 5K.

The day I got my race packet! I wore the medal all day, that's how excited I was.

The medal is absolutely beautiful, too.

So you can see the light come through.

After that success and excitement, I realized that, while that race was technically in memory of Charlie because of the charity it supported, 5k's were a thing I could do for ME! It would help my own fitness, and was something I would not likely have done with a child (though, who knows?), and it made me feel like I'd accomplished something amazing.

So I signed up for more.

Of course, when I (a night owl) have to leave the house by 7 or even earlier, to get to a race in time for registration, especially if it's not in my town, I curse my enthusiasm. But I do end up really enjoying myself!

The first live 5k I participated in was at Kent State University, and benefited their study abroad program, helping to provide scholarships for KSU students who want to expand their horizons through an international experience.

Interestingly, despite doing this for me, I chose to wear a shirt from a memorial walk, and a hat with a tiger - Charlie is always with me in some way. They had photo-ops like this at the beginning, every mile marker, and at the end!

I'd never done a race before. The sidewalk markings were a new thing for me! My hubby ran cross-country in high school, so he's much more familiar with this whole world, but it's new to me!

I'm so excited to finish! My time was 1:01:38. Having been out of shape for a while, I was quite happy with this time! (Again, walking. I don't run.)

At this point, I had two medals, and was quite excited about both.... So I got some kid's peg racks cheaply, added a few extra pegs, and hung them on the wall for me and for hubby to add our medals to! After all, I wanted to display them :)

At this point my husband seemed interested in what I was doing, too, though he has less time free because of a hefty work schedule. But he did agree to accompany me along to a few 5k's, and we also signed up for a total-miles virtual challenge (tiger-themed, so we had to do it!!!).

I hung the tiger challenge trackers on our wall. The idea is to complete 100 miles over September, October, and November, or longer if you need it. I think I'm on track to get about halfway in the intended time.

Our tiger trackers!

In the last few months, I've done a few memorial walks, some virtual and some live, and a bike ride with my sister... every bit counts toward the tiger miles too, as long as it's an "intentional" mile.

The miles add up! As I write this, I'm actually up to 42.

Another thing I've been doing is saving my race bibs, and making notes if I have a specific time or number of miles worth remembering. To keep it neat and pretty, and to keep me excited and thus motivated, I've picked up a small-format scrapbooking album and give each bib/race its own page.

Cover pic from my first live race.

My first race bib. I put details at the top for each of them.

I've since added a separate tag with my chip time.

From the most recent race! My chip time on this was 57:32, which is a 4 minute improvement! I give some of the credit to hubby, though. His pace is naturally faster than mine, but we were walking together, so I'm pretty sure he sped me up a bit.

I may not choose to race all that often, and at this point I'm one of the walkers, but I'm finding this is a great thing to do for myself in memory of no one but the fat I'm losing! :D

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss