Happy birthday, my sweet one

Happy birthday, my sweet one. Now you are 4 years old. My friend Caitilin says for that makes you a proper preschooler! You would be so big now. You're a big brother now. I imagine you so often, blond like your mommy and daddy were at this age. I imagine you being mischievousness when I'm rocking your brother to sleep, imagine you being so sweet and so loved.

You are loved and missed, my sweet Charlie. We visited your grave, and your brother got to visit for the first time. We cared for your garden; that's how we care for you. Your family gathered carefully together, in this strange time, so we could still celebrate your life and remember you. We have to be far apart, but our hearts are so close together.

June 19, 2016 †

New Years Resolutions

(Topic: Life after loss, grief, holidays)

Hi Friends,

I'm terrible at New Years Resolutions, and anyway, resolutions work better when you come to them bit by bit and work on them piece by piece.

But for fun, and for reflection, here are a few things that I'm currently working on:

1) Be patient with myself, and let my feelings be what they are.

I often "should" on myself - which means that I tell myself what I should do, what I should feel - when really I need to be patient and let myself get done what I can, appreciate what I have the energy to do, and acknowledge the feelings I have. (What naughty word does "should-ing" sound like? Does it sound like "should-ing" on yourself is a good idea???)

2) I will not let anyone's comments change how I honor my son and his memory.

Someone might be able to make a comment that hurts my feelings, but I will honor my own gut feelings and mama instincts in how I honor Charlie and his memory, and I will not let anyone change that (unless it's a good idea! In which case, bring it on 😊.)

3) I will also honor my physical self, and try to eat right and exercise more.

I know, this is on everyone's list. Here's specifically how I plan to do it: I will keep track of how much liquid I drink, and what I eat. I know from the past that if I hydrate well I feel better, and that if I track my food I tend to overeat less. I will walk more often, and once I've worked up to it a bit, I'll start walking 5K's again (only the ones with participation medals, though. If I don't get a Shiny at the end, there's not enough motivation for me!)

4) I will read.

Not more, not specific: I just challenge myself to read. Apparently many people struggle with reading after a grief event, and it hit me hard. For about a year I don't think I read anything longer than a short blog post. Then a librarian friend encouraged me and helped by vetting books so I wouldn't accidentally read something with triggers, and I found out that graphic novels and reading on a kindle work better for me than regular books (I haven't tried audio books yet). I don't read anywhere as much as I used to, but I now read again. So I will keep working on that. Follow me on Goodreads if you use it, if you want to see what I read - I will post on here about particularly interesting items, but not every book!


I feel like 4 is enough!! That gives me several things to work on as the year charges ahead. Comment below if you have a resolution that is life-after-loss related that you'd like to share!

Yours,

Sarah

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Support and How I Changed

(Topic: grief after loss support, holidays)

Our mantle, stockings, and present area - no tree this year.

Hi Friends,

This year is different. This is our 4th Christmas after Charlie died, and every year has been different, but this year is really different.

For the last 3 years, my reaction to Christmas has been what you see in support articles: a combo of needing to be involved, but not wanting to be involved; feeling angry; feeling left out; feeling overwhelmed.

Titles of articles I'm seeing this year:
Grief at Christmas
What's to be Done About the Empty Stocking
A Letter to the Grieving Mom This Holiday Season

6 Ways To Survive The Holidays Without Your Child

Dear Santa: On Christmas In Heaven

10 Simple Reasons the Holidays Hurt

My Wish For Christmas After Child Loss

Getting Real About Another Holiday Season After Loss

7 Ways To Ease The Pain For Bereaved Loved Ones This Holiday Season

Five Simple Ways to Include Your Child in the Holidays

Dear Loss Mama: It’s Ok To Grieve This Christmas

The First Year – Navigating These Seasons When Your Child Has Died
Creating New Holiday Traditions

There is nothing wrong with any of these blogs and articles. They are all valid views, and many would have been comforting to me in the past and are probably helpful to new loss parents.

But this year is different.

I'm in a different headspace about the holiday, and it's really helping me. I wrote about a new approach, a new perspective, that occurred to me this year. Instead of being a grinch, and thinking about Mary as actually having a baby, which created a lot of jealousy, reframing it as a memorial birthday really helped. Now I think of it as a loss mom - not an infant loss mom, but still, related - who is remembering fondly the birthday of her loved one, and hoping to see him in heaven again someday. That, I can get behind.

That doesn't mean I didn't have sad moments.

I totally did. But they were isolated, and didn't tinge the whole holiday for me!

The moment that got me was singing Silent Night. It's a lullaby, and the alto part is pretty too, and it's about holding a silent baby - really, this author says it so well I cried again reading this article:

In The Pain And Holiness Of Silent Nights by DeAndrea Dare.

But over all, I had a good holiday, which was a refreshing change from the last few years.

I hope your holiday was gentle to you.

Yours,

Sarah

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How I'll Think About Christmas This Year

(Topic: Grief, Religion, Christmas, Pregnancy)

Hi Friends,

Christmas, and particularly the figure of Mary, can be a bit complicated to come to terms with after experiencing infant loss. I've written about this before, exploring how the themes of pregnancy and happy arrival can be very difficult for a loss parent. I've felt sad, during the Christmas season, and I've felt bitter, and I've felt jealous. I struggle with this, since the overwhelming cultural push is to be Merry TM. So it's difficult when you don't fit that mold, and feel doubly bad - first, just the feelings you're feeling, and second, guilt that you aren't happy like you "should be".

This year, though, while talking to a pastor yet again to see if I could figure out a way through the season with less emphasis on jealousy and bitterness, I had an idea, a thought, about Mary and her relationship to Jesus, that just might help.

You see, although Judaism as a religion does not seem to really mark birthdays, and ancient Judaism probably not either, it occurred to me that, as a Christian, we are marking  Jesus' birthday in the holiday of Christmas. And it occurred to me that Jesus is not actually born every year - we are remembering the birthday of one who, long ago, lived then died (then lived again, then went away to heaven). He is gone from Mary's presence and ultimately ours, and we hope, someday, after death to be reunited.
How is that different from me marking Charlie's birthday every year??
It occurred to me that in some ways, it's not. Obviously, Jesus is more widely admired and remembered than Charlie, but when it comes to the feelings I go through, it's viscerally the same: We miss them, we remember them, and we hope (in Christian Hope) to be reunited someday, after our earthly days, at the heavenly river.

I don't actually know if this mindset will help me not feel jealous and bitter this year, but it felt like such a lightning bolt of inspiration and hope, and felt so right, that I have the feeling it might be just the perspective shift I needed.

May this holiday season fall peacefully upon you, regardless of which religion you follow and which traditions feel heavy. May peace rest in your soul.

With love,

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Thanksgiving with Pookie

(Topic: Thanksgiving, Holidays, Weighted Bear/Pookie)

Hi Friends!

Many loss parents struggle with Thanksgiving - it's a holiday with a lot of family coming together, and not all families are completely understanding and supportive.

My husband and I are lucky. Our families are both really supportive overall, and my family's Thanksgiving traditions are pretty laid back and don't involve a lot of extended family. This year, my hubby's parents joined my family for dinner.

I really just consider it an unusually elaborate and large family dinner. It's nice to hang out with my parents and sibs.

So this year, I'm going to show you a couple of pictures of how my weighted bear, Pookie, was part of the celebration, and how Charlie was represented in the dining room.

With our move this summer and hectic schedule this fall, it's been way too long since Pookie had a bath! We wanted him fluffy and clean for the holiday :)

Clean Pookie airing out before getting dressed! Sorry for the blur, not sure what my camera was doing this week.

Ready to head out. He packed the suitcase, and chose his turkey pjs and beaded moccasins to wear for the holiday.

We had a bit of time to visit Charlie (he's buried near my parents' house). It was a nice way to include him in the day even if he's not super present during the meal.

Pookie visited and chatted with everyone! Here he's sitting next to his granddad.

I asked my mom to let me set Charlie's picture and candle in the dining room on the sideboard. It wasn't safe to have it lit in that spot, but it was super nice anyway. I loved having his picture present.

I hope your Thanksgiving was gentle. If it wasn't, I send my love and thoughts to you, and Pookie offers a hug.


Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Five Resources for Remembering Your Child at the Holidays

(Topic: Holiday traditions, memorials)

Hi Friends,

At first I thought I'd write about our personal traditions (which I will still include at the end!) but I realized there are so many good resources out there that I wanted to share. In this post you will find 5 great resources with their own lists of ideas on how to honor and remember your baby during this upcoming holiday season. Most are from some of the really big support and grief organizations, so take a look at what else they offer too!

1. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is an organization in which professional photographers volunteer their time to take photographs of babies who die in a stillbirth or in the NICU. They have a Top 5 list for how to honor your baby this holiday season, which you can download. I believe one of their suggestions is their keepsake ornament, which is pretty large (usually about 4" across) but usually really nice. We've gotten one for the last three years!
2. Star Legacy Foundation hasn't published a list yet this year (that I've seen) but they do great research about stillbirth prevention (as well as doing great grief support), and host a yearly conference. On their website and at their conference (as paper stars hanging from the ceiling) they list and remember any baby that has had their name submitted.
3. Still Standing Magazine shared this list of ways to honor and remember your baby. Still Standing is a great blog/magazine/e-zine, and frequently also reposts some of their older articles on FB too. They have some great material and also occasionally accept submissions from loss parents.
4. Unexpected Family Outing (a life-after-loss blog) published this list a few years ago, of ways to honor your feelings and your baby during the holidays.
5. Return To Zero: Hope is an organization that was founded after the film Return To Zero came out. I have yet to see this film but have heard it's extremely good (and touching), and focuses on life after infant loss. Their Hope organization is active on Facebook, and published this post with ideas for the holiday season.

Obviously our own traditions are the ones that, over the last few years, we have found work for us. They may or may not be a good fit for you, so just see what feels right. I hope these ideas help!

1. Lighting a candle (possibly with a picture next to it). This is a nice way to have a deceased loved one "present" without making it a huge topic of conversation. I recommend a long-burning candle so you don't have to worry about checking on it, just making sure you put it out at the end of the evening. We have a specific candle in tiger colors that we use for Charlie.
2. For us, having Pookie (our weighted bear in Charlie's memory) present at family gatherings is a great way to have Charlie represented. He's also fun for other family members to hold! Not everyone is comfortable considering him a "character" (like Hobbes, or Pooh) but some of my family are, and they'll have him on their lap sometimes even if I don't! It makes me feel like my son is included in the love.
3. We hang a stocking for Charlie every year (which I made for him!). It shows his place in the family. Honestly we hang one for Pookie too, because he's become a representative part of the family on Charlie's behalf (he often gets an ornament, board book, or small tiger or bear toy).
4. We try to get Charlie a gift every year, always a new Christmas ornament and sometimes a small tiger-themed item, and I put it in his stocking, wrapped! It's unwrapped by me and my husband, which is a nice family moment. Also, my husband doesn't always know what I've gotten, so someone is still surprised and delighted!
5. As you might imagine, sometimes I find more than one ornament that I like, plus we have now started getting the NILMDTS ornament (like I mentioned above in #1 of the first list), so the number of Charlie ornaments is adding up! Last year, for the first time, we decided to do a tabletop tree just for Charlie. I really liked the way it felt. It was a little 2-foot tree, we gave it its own strand of lights, and every ornament on it was a tiger, a bear (for Pookie), or a memorial ornament with Charlie's name on it. Actually, there are one or two exceptions, such as gifts that were given to us in Charlie's memory, which we consider "his" as well. It was truly lovely, and I hope to repeat it this year - so you see that even several years later, we still see what feels right and try new things.

As always, feel out what feels right to you, and communicate openly with your spouse or loved ones so you are on the same page. (This can include not attending certain gatherings if you need the space, for instance, or asking for a picture to be included, etc.)

May these holidays land softly and be gentle to your soul.

With love,

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Father's Day Is Hard For Us

(Topic: Grief, dealing with grief, triggers, pictures, loss, stillbirth, pregnancy and infant loss)

Hi Friends,

Charlie was born on Father's Day.

This weekend is so, so hard for us, every year.

It's odd, how my mind works. It doesn't know what date Thursday was that year, or Friday, or Saturday - I only remember the date of Sunday because it was his birthday. But I remember what happened by the day of the week.

That makes Father's Day weekend hard, harder than his birthday date, actually. Because I remember (can't help remembering, which is akin to a PTSD type reaction) based on the time of day and day of the week.

This year, I'm distracting myself to get through it. We're still honoring Charlie with a birthday party, but overall, I'm focusing on other things (and you know, I have plenty of logistical stuff to focus on...).

But I'm triggered by so many things. Even last week, basically anytime in June, I'm much more sensitive. The year Charlie was buried, there were little blue dragonflies in the cemetery constantly. Last weekend I saw teal ones with black wings. Nothing alike, except the vibrancy of the color, and that they were dragonflies. But I cried. I'm on edge constantly, never knowing what thing might remind me.

This weekend is the worst, though.

Thursday was the night Charlie was still fine. The baby was still moving on Thursday, I'm fairly sure. We played a boardgame that night, and I felt him wiggling and shifting. I'd been having braxton hicks all week, so I knew baby was getting ready.

He must have turned to get into position that night, and turned the wrong way and gotten tighter tangled.

Friday something was off. He was sideways for a bit, and I wasn't believed about that, except by my hubby. Baby had been so consistently head down, so I couldn't possibly be right, right?

Saturday was the horrible day. The silent ultrasound. The hospital. All the medical side of it.

Sunday he was born, Sunday we held him.



It's so hard, being thrust into those memories by anything and everything. By noting the day of the week, noting the time of day, just being - just knowing, at this time, this happened.

I don't want to viscerally remember. I want the bad memories to be more distant.



I love Charlie so much. And there was such mixed emotion on his birthday. Seeing his little nose, laughing at his giant hands and feet, after I'd given my best friend such a hard time about her baby's big feet. So many things I remember and never want to forget, but there are so many things I wish I at least had more distance from. So much emotional pain, wracking sorrow.

So, this weekend is hard. This year, I'm leaning toward distractions, and have asked friends to help me find funny or silly or interesting videos to watch (but avoiding trigger issues), so I can laugh, and focus on something besides the deep ache inside me.


This is my baby. I love him, and I miss him so much.

Our family, complete.

My favorite picture from that day. Daddy, holding Charlie.

Yours,

Sarah

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Mother's Day and Father's Day on my Mind at Once - Plus Tips on How to Support a Grieving Loved One

(Topic: grief, holidays, support)

I know a mama who planted an azalea for every one of her babies who died. This one in my yard makes me think of her.

Hi Friends,

This post is a bit later than I'd intended, because this week is a tough one for loss families of many kinds. Being a mother who lost a child (at any age), or being a child (of any age) who lost a mother at some point - or being a non-traditional mother in any way you might be able to think of - all make Mother's Day a particularly tricky holiday, since much of the publicity and focus of the holiday is on a traditional mother with traditional living children of her own DNA.

There is actually an International Bereaved Mother's Day, which is on the 1st Sunday in May instead of the 2nd Sunday - primarily used to specifically support loss moms and to raise awareness. However, regular Mother's Day was actually founded in honor of a loss mom, so opinions are mixed about whether having a separate day is necessary or helpful.

Because of my background, I'm going to focus more on my personal experience of being a mother who lost a pregnancy (and thus a baby), but who isn't visible as a mother (because of having no living children).

A friend of mine suggested that this post should be tips on how to get through the holiday. I thought I'd seen some articles about that, and can't find ones with specific tips. My main thought for you, though, is just to listen to your gut: if you want to do things like church or brunch or being with family, do it! If you want to stay home, do that! Just communicate with your spouse or whomever you live with, so that everyone is on the same page, otherwise someone might have different expectations of what will happen, and that is a recipe for hurt feelings really easily, especially because we are more likely to be emotional. (I am going to link to some other articles, both for loss moms and for supporting friends and family, at the end of the post.)

Here's the thing for us, though, that complicates Mother's Day: we end up thinking a lot about Father's Day at the same time. I know they are a month apart, but the little boy who made me a mother was born on Father's Day, so thinking of him and the story of his death and birth all at once (because I'm thinking of how I'm a mom) also makes me think of the day he was born.

Last year, I followed my heart and figured out that I really wanted to have a more traditional Mother's Day, so we went to church, I got given a carnation, and I asked to be taken out to brunch even though I knew that being around so many families with kids would be hard. And it meant a lot to me, and went well.

This year, I don't know if it's me being more confident in my invisible motherhood or if I'm just in a different place in my life, or whether I have so much other stuff on my mind with our upcoming move etc, but this year I don't want all the trappings of Mother's Day. A friend asked if I would be ok with her sending me a card - and I am! I still appreciate having my mother-ness recognized. But I don't feel the need to be public about it this year. It's simplified by the fact that Mother's Day happens to fall on a family birthday this year, so we're really focusing the weekend on celebrating that birthday, which lets me largely ignore the other holiday aspect.

So here is my tip for family and friends who want to support a grieving family, whether it's Mother's Day, or Father's Day, or actually really any other holiday (because it will be on our mind that our little one should have been there and isn't): listen to the grieving parent. Listen to anything they say or hint about whether they are excited or uncomfortable, whether there are parts of the holiday they are not looking forward to or are nervous about. And respect that feeling: don't push them into doing something they aren't comfortable with. Also, ask if you're not sure! I really appreciated my friend asking whether I was comfortable getting a Mother's Day card. It left the choice in my hands, which meant I could respect my feelings in how I replied. Don't assume that the grieving family doesn't want to do something. They might want to, or they might have mixed feelings, or they might even change their mind just before hand, or even have to leave halfway through. Please respect that. By listening to their gut and their heart, they are taking care of their mental health.


Have a gentle Mother's Day, however you choose to do it. 💗

To the Mothers Hurting on Mother's Day (this article acknowledges the feelings you may have)

This Mother’s Day: Honoring the Mothers Whose Empty Arms Ache (this article also acknowledges your feelings)

7 Ways to Include the Grieving Mother on Mother's Day (for friends and family)

7 Ways to Remember the Hurting Mothers this Mother's Day (for friends and family)

Supporting the Mama Who is Pregnant After Loss on Mother’s Day (for friends and family supporting a mom having a subsequent pregnancy)

Supporting Your Friend On Mother’s Day: When The Day Is Not ‘Happy’ (some ideas for moms, and several helpful ones for friends and family)


Yours,

Sarah

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Thoughts about Easter

(Topics: Grief and Anxiety, mental health, Easter/Religion, cemeteries)

Hi Friends,

The other day, I spent the day with Charlie.

I have been feeling really, really sad and overwhelmed lately. Sometimes, when I'm feeling heavy, it's very hard for me to figure out why - and knowing why makes it easier for me to either live with the feelings, or to find something to do to help.

I felt like I've been having a harder time than usual staying steady when life threw me curve balls (as life always does, on smaller and larger scales). When my hubby also commented on that, I decided to call my therapist to see if I could get in for an extra session.

(Side note: there is NO SHAME in asking for extra help! I know it's hard. It's hard to know when to ask, and it's hard to ask. It can be hard to admit that you aren't able to do it all yourself. I encourage you to set up support systems so it's easier to ask for help. For instance, I have friends who I trust, who know my whole story and things I struggle with. I can easily vent to them, because I don't have to explain anything. But I also don't want to burden them - so I also have a therapist. Therapists are AMAZING, guys. If you try a therapist, and you don't feel comfortable, it's ok to go to a new one. FIND THE RIGHT FIT FOR YOU 💗💓. Once you find someone you like, the point is that they are trained to help and trained to listen - but they are OUTSIDE the situation. They won't get hurt feelings, and they won't get mad. They JUST HELP. And it's AMAZING 💕💓.)

I got an extra session to get help, because even things that seemed like they should be little were feeling big. My therapist is my outside perspective, and helps me find my rational brain but also helps me acknowledge my emotions.

In this session, she helped me identify stressors that were overwhelming me, or stressing me out, or triggering my grief - even when sometimes it was super subconscious.

I actually prepare a little for my sessions by taking notes on rough days, of what bothers me or big things that happen. This helps guide what we talk about and helps me feel like we use the time a little more effectively (this is not everyone's style - you do you!).

Above the line, notes to tell the therapist.
Below, notes written afterward, with some of what we talked about.

After we went through my list, I asked - WHY?? Why is everything so hard right now?? And she literally sat there and counted things off on her fingers, guys. Counted things back off to me, that I had told her about, but also helped me identify a few more things that had been in the background, that I had not yet seen clearly enough to name.

One was that, the last time we moved, it was not only right after Charlie died, it was literally because Charlie died. We had planned to wait to move until he was 3-6 months old before we moved. Instead, we were in our new place about a month after. So since we're moving sometime this summer, that might be a reason that packing and planning is so hard for me to work on.

One of the other things she pointed out is that Easter is - like Christmas - about a mother, but this time about the son dying. And coming back again...
Mary is a complicated figure for me. Really complicated.

So after we'd identified what some of the triggers were (there were about a half a dozen others, too....), we talked about how to find some relief. Some comfort, and a way through, through the sad and the pain, because the stress isn't as heavy when the sad isn't weighing me down.

The other day, I spent the day with Charlie.

The main solution she suggested was to let myself feel. To spend some time with Charlie, if I could, but to remember and feel and cry and just be, with my pain and sorrow, and weep if I need to.

The universe (God?) listened to my need. I had been worried that I couldn't find time, since it's a decent distance to Charlie's grave; and to sit and feel, I couldn't be rushed. But one of my scheduled items got cancelled, and suddenly I had a whole day ahead of me, to go to my little boy.

I spread out my blanket, and opened the umbrella to keep the sun off (and in case it rained), and I sat down with Charlie, and lay with him, and talked to him.

I told him how much I missed him and how much I wanted to hold him... and I wept.

Tears do cease, at some point. The pain behind my sternum, the pressure in my throat does ease, as though the tears wash out a tightness and release something.

I weeded his garden, and touched some of the decorations and memorials we have for him there.

And I lay with my chest over where he is buried. The closest I can come to holding him.

The other day, I spent the day with Charlie.

It means so much to me, to have a place to care for, that is just his, and his alone.

I have a complicated relationship with Mary, Jesus' mom. Her baby was born alive, which hurts at Christmas. She gets to see him grow up. But she suffers through his death. I imagine that she hurts inside, behind her sternum, so tight it hurts to breathe. I imagine she weeps so deeply she convulses in Joseph's arms. I imagine she knows this pain. But. He lives again. My Charlie doesn't yet.

Jesus died right before a Jewish holiday. That meant that his body had to be dealt with before the sun went down that Friday, and couldn't really be tended to properly until the Sabbath and the Passover was over. Joseph of Arimathea was the guy who put the body in the tomb in the right cloths. He made sure the basics were taken care of, that were important.

But women went to care for his body, to lay him to rest and to say their last goodbyes. Those are the women I watch, in this story. They prepare the ointments to rub on the body, to do the rites of burial and death from their culture, to make things right, as much as you can when someone dies. They go back after their holiday, to finish things.

We know who those women were, because they were the eyewitnesses that Jesus was gone (alive, risen, back).

I care who they were, because they were the grave tenders. The ones who would have placed the headstone and served the funeral lunch and planted flowers with his mom, if it were now.

The book of Matthew says it was Mary Magdalene and the other Mary. The book of Mark says it was women including Mary Magdalene, Mary the mother of James the younger and of Joses, and Salome (so that was a pretty large group). The book of Luke says it was the women who had followed Jesus from Galilee, and also lists them as Mary Magdalene, Joanna, Mary the mother of James, and the other women. In the book of John it's only Mary Magdalene.

No matter who it was, they cared. They took the time to go, and planned to care intimately for his body, hands on. I wish so hard I'd been able to do more of the funeral care myself, for Charlie. This isn't something our culture is used to, anymore. And I did not know to ask for it, and I don't know if I would have wanted it at the time -- in hindsight, though, I miss caring for my little boy, giving him the final kiss in his coffin.

I saw a picture, last month. It was a mama and a papa, tucking their baby into his coffin, into his "forever crib". Seeing that, suddenly my heart longed for having done that for Charlie.
To care for a body, to minister to their last cares on earth, is an act of pure love. Of closure. Of peace within sorrow.

As I lay with Charlie, my breast filling the hollow in the earth beneath which he rests, I felt complete and yet bereft. Filling the hole in my heart, the gaping hole in my life with the closest thing I could.

The other day, I spent the day with Charlie. 

While I was there, I read a book to Charlie. We read to Pookie regularly, and it's a thing we can hold onto - one of the things we'd looked forward to, so much. So many other things were taken away, but that we can still do.

I also read a graphic memoir, called Rosalie Lightning, written by a father whose daughter died of SIDS. His experiences - his raw emotion - reading that while visiting Charlie -
He talked of how a loss parent's attention can be grabbed by other children of the right age, how we can stare, stare at what could have been.

Today is the day before Easter. The in-between. The waiting - for us, who know how the story ends. For those back then, the second day since. Counting life based on the life-changing moment. For me, two days ago was 2 years and 10 months. Since.

Charlie is nearly three. How do you plan a birthday party for the 3rd year since a death?

I'm always aware of how old he is/would be/would have been.

Today is the day before Easter as I write this, Saturday. Some churches hold a vigil, traditionally held from before midnight until after midnight, to celebrate the moment of Easter at the turning point of the night.

We went to an evening vigil service. When the priest was preaching about the Easter life, the Christian life, is to focus on LIFE not death - all I could think was, how intrusive is death. How hard, not to think of loss, even with the promise of life.

Right then, two 3-year-olds started to get restless and play.

My Charlie.

I should have been dealing with a restless Charlie.

Every day, I spend the day with Charlie.

No matter what, he's on my mind. This is a holiday (holy day) about life, promise of life, promise of future life, power over death.

My son is dead.

My religion gives promise, hope.

But everyday, my son is not in my arms.

My son is on my mind. My son is in my heart. Everyday, he is with me. I'm the one staring at your son, thinking of what my son might have said, might have done, and hurting.

I'm the one rocking a teddy bear, because my baby is dead.

I understand the hope with my head, but not yet with my heart. I have to take any tiny bit that my heart can understand.

To the lady who passed the peace to my bear, please know that in my heart, you passed the peace to my son. Thank you. I may cry, but my heart is lighter.

💛

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Potholders

(topic: crochet)

Hi Friends!

This was a Christmas gift, so although I finished it about a month ago, I couldn't post till now!! I'm a potholder fan, and my hubby is an oven mitt guy, so I looked for a compromise. There are options out there, but I like making things myself. I have made a pair like this for us, and we liked it so much that when we realized my sister needed to equip her apartment kitchen a bit more, this seemed like the perfect thing! I picked 2 colors I know she likes, in a cotton yarn (non-flammable, much. Other options would be 100% wool. Both char more than burning or melting - non-natural fibers melt, which is dangerous if it gets on your skin). These are all single crochets: 2 squares, and just edged together using more single crochets!

The colors, and the cast on!

Finished products - front (I like reversing the colors in the second potholder. Fun!)

Finished products - back

They're fairly fast to make, and it's fun to pick out the color combinations! The single crochet, if done tightly, has no holes for fingers to get burned through, and is thick enough for normal work - but if grabbed from the outside (instead of used as a mitt) can be a double layer for super hot things!


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Christmas 2018 with Pookie

(Topic: Christmas/holidays, family, incorporating a deceased loved one in the celebrations)

Hi friends!

This year we traveled to family for the holidays. I had hoped to get this post done for Wednesday the 26th, right after Christmas, but with travel and getting the photos in the right places and ready, I got a bit behind where I'd hoped to be. Oh well!

This post will be mostly pictures of how we decorated, a few family pictures, and some explanations of how we included Charlie in our celebrations.

I won the opportunity to have this lovely wreath made as a graphic for me - it helps include Charlie in what we do. If you follow me on Facebook, you'll have seen that this is my current profile picture. Because no matter what, we can't forget him, and we want to remember him always.

Simultaneous to winning the prior wreath, another group was also doing images. This one isn't as holiday specific; this is useful for me beyond the Christmas season. I love this one too.

While decorating for Advent (the preparatory season before Christmas), I was also packing to get ready for the trip to go see relatives over the holiday. Papa, Mama, and Baby (Pookie) Bear's suitcases!!!

few of our friends specifically mentioned Charlie in their holiday greetings to us, and 2 even included gifts for him! They were ornaments for his tree, which I'll explain in a minute.

So sweet!!! We never forget him, but it's super reassuring to know that other people haven't forgotten him either. This was another ornament, and another family gave me a necklace with three small pendants: a C, an angel wing, and a pearl.

This is Charlie's tree (Pookie's too). The actual tree even has a history! It is a little tree that my hubby and his brother would decorate in their own room with their own ornaments. Each ornament on the tree this year has been gotten or made in Charlie's memory (or in the case of the two bears, bought for Pookie!)

This was as far as the decorations got before we left for our travels. Stockings were up by December 6th (St. Nicholas Day). We include both Charlie and Pookie. I also had put up Charlie's tree. Every other decoration had to wait till we got back!

On our way out of town, we stopped to visit Charlie in person, and give him a "grave pillow" greenery. We tried this last year, and I liked the effect of the garden not being empty or dead for the first part of the winter.

We spent 4th Advent, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day with relatives: Charlie's Grandmother and Grandfather and Uncle, on Daddy's side. Pookie loves the warm fire! He's wearing his adventure hat because this is actually the night we arrived, so he's still in his travel clothes.

Christmas Eve family portrait, at one of the churches we attended. Photo credit to our friend Jenny.

I'm not a big fan of the santa tradition, but Pookie knew there were gifts coming, so he asked to wear his suit on Christmas Day! This is him, waiting by the warm fire for gift time to come. His new stompy boots work perfectly with this outfit!

One of the ways we include Pookie is to give him a little gift of his own. In some ways we picture Pookie like a toddler, so it is similar gifts to what Charlie might have gotten - except that we specifically pick out books about a piglet named Pookie! Hubby and I love reading aloud to Pookie (and each other). It's a way to have a little bit of what we might have been doing with Charlie.

Silly Pookie!

Uh oh, he got into the paper!

Pookie in front of the Christmas tree at the grandparents' house.

Family photo :) credit to Uncle Andrew

Another family photo. Credit again to Uncle Andrew.

This candle was lit for all of the deceased family members - including Charlie. It was wonderful and lovely to have a tangible representation in that house.

Once we got home, I was able to put up our own decorations! Because the Charlie tree already had a lot of meaningful ornaments on it, and we'd already had a lot of Christmas, I chose to make our tree simple: lots of bells, a few glass balls, some "icicle" ornaments, and beads and lights.

A few other decorations I put out.

The creche (nativity scene) was already up, but I added baby Jesus, moved the shepherd close, and put out the wise men! The wise men and their camel will get to the creche on January 6th, Epiphany (the festival of the three kings).

This year's picture with Santa. Pookie is snuggling like the pro he is!

Our finished house. The main ways we included Charlie in this scene are his tree in the corner, his stocking, and as always, his picture on the mantle and some memorabilia of his on top of the bookshelf on the right - though these are not Christmasy except that that is where I keep the picture with Santa, updated to the current year!

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

A Stocking for Pookie

(Topic: Knitting)

Hi Friends!

Recently I realized that, as Pookie has been more and more a member of our family in his own right (Who is Pookie? click here), and with the holiday season upon us, that he might need a stocking of his own!

I have successfully made two things with heels - which is not to say that the items or the heels were particularly successful, just that they are heels! But I had not up to this point actually made a sock with a turned heel using any specific method.

The first turned heel, made up as I went along (i.e. figuring out what reductions and additions made sense). Problem was, it was a non-stretchy choice of stitches in non-stretchy cotton - totally unworkable as an actual sock.

Charlie's stocking, my other heel: shaped flat, then seamed.

I mentioned to the ladies at my local yarn shop that I wanted to do a stocking but didn't know how to turn a heel. They told me to bring yarn, and they would help! So the next day I went there and got started with a light blue yarn that matches Pookie's fur.

Turkish cast-on, halfway through a Fliegel heel.

It went well and turned out fine, I just didn't love it for several reasons: The yarn didn't end up being one I liked, the stocking ended up really floppy (mostly due to the yarn), and the stocking ended up way bigger than I wanted it to be.

Picture with Pook, for size comparison!

Since I wasn't happy with it, I decided to cast on a new one, now that I knew how to do magic loop, Turkish toe, and a Fliegel heel!

I found a dark blue (with teal leanings) that I liked, and cast on a very small start. I actually could have done a bigger toe and not made it so pointy - oh well!

I also had been watching the ladies at the yarn shop do Fair Isle color work, and really wanted to get in on that game! I picked a coordinating brown/fawn color in the same yarn type. I've not done much color work before.

Liking it so far!

Nearly done with the heel. Unlike a normal sock, where the toe and heel have to be at right angles to fit a human foot, I decided that having the toe vertical actually would hang better on a mantelpiece.

Binding off. The P was tricky, and my tension wasn't perfect, but I love the result.

Added a crocheted loop to hang it by.

Ta Da! I love how it turned out!

The full spread.

Pookie with his new stocking and stocking holder! He's pretty pleased.

This was a super fun project! Thanks so much to the ladies at Farmhouse Yarn for all the help.


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss