Father's Day Is Hard For Us

(Topic: Grief, dealing with grief, triggers, pictures, loss, stillbirth, pregnancy and infant loss)

Hi Friends,

Charlie was born on Father's Day.

This weekend is so, so hard for us, every year.

It's odd, how my mind works. It doesn't know what date Thursday was that year, or Friday, or Saturday - I only remember the date of Sunday because it was his birthday. But I remember what happened by the day of the week.

That makes Father's Day weekend hard, harder than his birthday date, actually. Because I remember (can't help remembering, which is akin to a PTSD type reaction) based on the time of day and day of the week.

This year, I'm distracting myself to get through it. We're still honoring Charlie with a birthday party, but overall, I'm focusing on other things (and you know, I have plenty of logistical stuff to focus on...).

But I'm triggered by so many things. Even last week, basically anytime in June, I'm much more sensitive. The year Charlie was buried, there were little blue dragonflies in the cemetery constantly. Last weekend I saw teal ones with black wings. Nothing alike, except the vibrancy of the color, and that they were dragonflies. But I cried. I'm on edge constantly, never knowing what thing might remind me.

This weekend is the worst, though.

Thursday was the night Charlie was still fine. The baby was still moving on Thursday, I'm fairly sure. We played a boardgame that night, and I felt him wiggling and shifting. I'd been having braxton hicks all week, so I knew baby was getting ready.

He must have turned to get into position that night, and turned the wrong way and gotten tighter tangled.

Friday something was off. He was sideways for a bit, and I wasn't believed about that, except by my hubby. Baby had been so consistently head down, so I couldn't possibly be right, right?

Saturday was the horrible day. The silent ultrasound. The hospital. All the medical side of it.

Sunday he was born, Sunday we held him.



It's so hard, being thrust into those memories by anything and everything. By noting the day of the week, noting the time of day, just being - just knowing, at this time, this happened.

I don't want to viscerally remember. I want the bad memories to be more distant.



I love Charlie so much. And there was such mixed emotion on his birthday. Seeing his little nose, laughing at his giant hands and feet, after I'd given my best friend such a hard time about her baby's big feet. So many things I remember and never want to forget, but there are so many things I wish I at least had more distance from. So much emotional pain, wracking sorrow.

So, this weekend is hard. This year, I'm leaning toward distractions, and have asked friends to help me find funny or silly or interesting videos to watch (but avoiding trigger issues), so I can laugh, and focus on something besides the deep ache inside me.


This is my baby. I love him, and I miss him so much.

Our family, complete.

My favorite picture from that day. Daddy, holding Charlie.

Yours,

Sarah

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And Charlie Danced

(Topic: Grief, stories, pregnancy, music)

Hi Friends,

Recently I was looking for ways to mother Charlie (I'm feeling the need, since Charlie's birthday is coming up next week on the 19th), and my therapist helped me brainstorm several things - and one of them that caught my fancy was to try writing again. But not writing to Charlie (which I don't like the feel of), or directly about him - instead, I would try writing stories like I would have told to him. And since children like stories about themselves, here is the first story I wrote for Charlie:

And Charlie Danced

Once upon a time there was a little boy named Charlie. When he was very little, and was still in Mommy’s tummy, Mommy and Daddy went to a concert.

It was a special concert, with a very famous violinist playing. His name was Joshua Bell, and he played the violin so well that people came from all over to hear him play.

This concert had an orchestra, and Joshua Bell was going to play the violin solos. Mommy was very excited because she liked the big tympani drums and the way she could feel them inside her bones. Daddy liked all the different pieces that they were going to play. Charlie didn’t know what he would like, because he hadn’t been to a concert before!

When the music started, Charlie waited. He heard the whole orchestra playing. He heard the tympani drums and felt them in his bones. He heard the cellos and the basses playing. He heard high notes and low notes, fast notes and slow notes.

Charlie liked all the instruments, but he still waited to see if there was one he liked best.

Then Joshua Bell stepped forward and began to play, and the orchestra hushed. Beautiful notes sailed through the air and sang to Charlie, and Charlie began to dance. He turned and leapt, and danced with the beautiful singing notes, who trailed gold and red and orange all around him. Joshua Bell danced with his violin, and Charlie danced with the singing notes until the last one faded away.

Charlie had found the music he loved. Charlie loved violin music, all alone and by itself, clear and golden like honey, in so many glistening shades and scales.

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Paper Cutting Art

(Topic: Crafts, art)

Hi Friends!

Just a quick share today.

I made this piece of art a number of years ago (not actually sure exactly when) and had it in a folder for a while, tucked away. Then a few years later, I decided to put it up and frame it, and found the perfect piece of fabric to put behind it for the color (a sunset?).

Matted but not yet framed, in this picture. I have it in a dark frame to match the outer matting.

I've had it hanging in my kitchen for a while now, and will definitely be sad to take it down. I'm certainly planning on putting it up again in my new house - I'll just have to decide where!


Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Not Weak OR Strong: Filling My Toolbox

(Topic: Vocabulary, Definitions)

Hi Friends,

A few weeks ago, I posted about the word "strong", and how it applies to me. Or more specifically, I expressed my frustration that the word has two meanings - but that the meanings are completely opposite.

I had several friends comment or chat with me, saying they thought I was strong - and then telling me how they meant the word "strong" - and I really appreciate it, because I now know how that person means it.

However, that doesn't actually help the issue, because the fact is, the word is ambiguous in our culture at large. And because of that, I still don't like that word. Our culture, as a whole, still uses "strong" in two ways, and often with emphasis on the idea of not showing emotion in public.

I had one conversation, though, that changed the question completely.

What if the question isn't "Am I strong?" - what if the question becomes "How am I dealing with my situation?" and "What skills do I have?"?

This changes the whole conversation (and, key point, uses words with no ambiguity).

For instance, an example of what had made me feel "weak" before: When the outfit I picked out the night before an event didn't end up fitting right, I panicked and got overwhelmed and cried, and couldn't even figure out a new outfit.

After this conversation with my friend, she helped me understand that my body (and bodies, being what they are, aren't great at telling the difference between physical trauma and emotional trauma) just knew that it was under attack (from grief) and that the attack was ongoing and needed attention. Thus, a minor setback (the dress not fitting right) became something extra to deal with - and was "too much". It's not that I've lost the ability to deal with a minor setback. My resources are simply all already used on the "attack" (grief) and thus aren't available for dealing with additional issues.

That is the "how am I dealing with it" portion: my resources are all allocated to grieving, leaving me with little leftover. So then the "skills" part: the more skillfully I tend my grief, and the more extra skills I lay down for dealing with other things that come up, will mean that my resources will be more usefully allocated and I will "deal" with life better.

Skills such as noticing that I'm getting overwhelmed, and then employing tools such as meditation, relaxation techniques, or other techniques for calming down or removing myself from the trigger (all of which are tools, but still require practice to build skills in using them, too). And the more tools I have, and the more skills I have, the more I will function more normally, and the less the grief will overwhelm everything (time helps with this, but is definitely not the only factor).

So my friend says: we aren't "strong" or "weak": we're building skills.

I like that.

Also, I now also pick out two outfits the night before events: one that is pretty and might work, and one that is fine but comfy and safe. So I've added that "tool" to help avoid a situation that I know to be overwhelming.

As my friend always signs off:
You are loved, and you are safe. (She's a pretty awesome friend.)

With love,

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

DIY SOCK FIX: Make Socks Actually Fit Your Calves!

(Topic: DIY, Crafts, Socks)

Hi Friends,

If you have calves that are anything larger than twiggy, you might notice that sometimes socks with patterns just don't fit quite right!!

I now know to check the inside of the sock for long threads, but I still have socks in my drawer that weren't fitting right.

So what's the actual issue? Socks are a knitted item, and the curve of the thread going up and around, and down and around, to make a stitch, is what makes knitwear stretchy. When you work with two colors, though, the other color has to hide somewhere, and often they are just carried across the back of the knit item as a "float" (a long thread). A good knitter will keep the floats short (which will keep the fabric stretchy) or will use special techniques to integrate them but keep them hidden, and will also make sure the float doesn't get too long. If the float gets long, then that portion of the knit won't be able to stretch any wider than the length of the float.

So, socks: in patterned socks that are knit by machines and designed on computers (so no one is personally handling the length of each float as it occurs), there is often the potential for long floats. Many sock companies trim them for us (thanks!!!) but some sock companies just leave them there. As long as they aren't trimmed too closely, the ends of the thread will just puff up a bit and they won't pull out of place, so having them clipped means the sock stretches (and the design stretches too, more importantly!). But on socks where they aren't clipped, if your leg is bigger around than the sock's floats, then the sock is too tight, is uncomfortable, and slides down.

Note how some of the snowflakes on the leg of the sock are connected, and around the top (which is the widest part of my calf!!!) the floats connect ALL the snowflakes all the way around the sock.

The white thread they used is actually a bit stretchy, but not enough to actually fit around my calf. See how the snowflake on the top left just kinda drifts into the snowflake on the top right? Those threads are the worst problem. The long threads within each snowflake may or may not be an issue, depending on individual length.

STEP ONE:
Stretch the sock over your hand or a water bottle. This allows you to see where the tight spots/long threads are, and to access them well. If you're not sure if it's a long thread vs. part of the design, scrunch the sock a little: a long thread will ripple, whereas if it's part of the design it will scrunch the same as the background of the sock.

Stretch the sock over your hand to see how the threads are too tight. Tight areas are where you'll need to work.

STEP TWO:
Using snubnosed craft scissors (sharp points might damage the socks - I've lost a few that way...), slide the blades under the long strings you want to cut. Make sure you can see the tip of the bottom blade, so you know you're not hooking the actual sock fabric.

Slide under the long threads, and make sure you can see the scissor tip again before you snip.

The threads puff up a bit once cut, which is great because they won't slide out of the design.

Look how far it can stretch now!

Note that sometimes the sock background color has floats too. You can cut them as well. My rule of thumb: if it's long enough that my scissor blade fits under it without forcing, then it's long enough to be cut. Cut in the center of the float. NOTE: IF YOU CUT AT ONE END OF THE FLOAT, IT MAY SLIP OUT OF THE PATTERN AND CAUSE A HOLE IN YOUR SOCK.

When you're done, the design on the sock will look the same, but it'll be SOOOOO much comfier on your foot!

My tip is to check any new socks you buy to make sure they don't have long floats - but this is a great fix for any socks that have been languishing in the back of the drawer unworn because they weren't comfy around your calf!

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss