Thanksgiving with Pookie

(Topic: Thanksgiving, Holidays, Weighted Bear/Pookie)

Hi Friends!

Many loss parents struggle with Thanksgiving - it's a holiday with a lot of family coming together, and not all families are completely understanding and supportive.

My husband and I are lucky. Our families are both really supportive overall, and my family's Thanksgiving traditions are pretty laid back and don't involve a lot of extended family. This year, my hubby's parents joined my family for dinner.

I really just consider it an unusually elaborate and large family dinner. It's nice to hang out with my parents and sibs.

So this year, I'm going to show you a couple of pictures of how my weighted bear, Pookie, was part of the celebration, and how Charlie was represented in the dining room.

With our move this summer and hectic schedule this fall, it's been way too long since Pookie had a bath! We wanted him fluffy and clean for the holiday :)

Clean Pookie airing out before getting dressed! Sorry for the blur, not sure what my camera was doing this week.

Ready to head out. He packed the suitcase, and chose his turkey pjs and beaded moccasins to wear for the holiday.

We had a bit of time to visit Charlie (he's buried near my parents' house). It was a nice way to include him in the day even if he's not super present during the meal.

Pookie visited and chatted with everyone! Here he's sitting next to his granddad.

I asked my mom to let me set Charlie's picture and candle in the dining room on the sideboard. It wasn't safe to have it lit in that spot, but it was super nice anyway. I loved having his picture present.

I hope your Thanksgiving was gentle. If it wasn't, I send my love and thoughts to you, and Pookie offers a hug.


Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Father's Day Is Hard For Us

(Topic: Grief, dealing with grief, triggers, pictures, loss, stillbirth, pregnancy and infant loss)

Hi Friends,

Charlie was born on Father's Day.

This weekend is so, so hard for us, every year.

It's odd, how my mind works. It doesn't know what date Thursday was that year, or Friday, or Saturday - I only remember the date of Sunday because it was his birthday. But I remember what happened by the day of the week.

That makes Father's Day weekend hard, harder than his birthday date, actually. Because I remember (can't help remembering, which is akin to a PTSD type reaction) based on the time of day and day of the week.

This year, I'm distracting myself to get through it. We're still honoring Charlie with a birthday party, but overall, I'm focusing on other things (and you know, I have plenty of logistical stuff to focus on...).

But I'm triggered by so many things. Even last week, basically anytime in June, I'm much more sensitive. The year Charlie was buried, there were little blue dragonflies in the cemetery constantly. Last weekend I saw teal ones with black wings. Nothing alike, except the vibrancy of the color, and that they were dragonflies. But I cried. I'm on edge constantly, never knowing what thing might remind me.

This weekend is the worst, though.

Thursday was the night Charlie was still fine. The baby was still moving on Thursday, I'm fairly sure. We played a boardgame that night, and I felt him wiggling and shifting. I'd been having braxton hicks all week, so I knew baby was getting ready.

He must have turned to get into position that night, and turned the wrong way and gotten tighter tangled.

Friday something was off. He was sideways for a bit, and I wasn't believed about that, except by my hubby. Baby had been so consistently head down, so I couldn't possibly be right, right?

Saturday was the horrible day. The silent ultrasound. The hospital. All the medical side of it.

Sunday he was born, Sunday we held him.



It's so hard, being thrust into those memories by anything and everything. By noting the day of the week, noting the time of day, just being - just knowing, at this time, this happened.

I don't want to viscerally remember. I want the bad memories to be more distant.



I love Charlie so much. And there was such mixed emotion on his birthday. Seeing his little nose, laughing at his giant hands and feet, after I'd given my best friend such a hard time about her baby's big feet. So many things I remember and never want to forget, but there are so many things I wish I at least had more distance from. So much emotional pain, wracking sorrow.

So, this weekend is hard. This year, I'm leaning toward distractions, and have asked friends to help me find funny or silly or interesting videos to watch (but avoiding trigger issues), so I can laugh, and focus on something besides the deep ache inside me.


This is my baby. I love him, and I miss him so much.

Our family, complete.

My favorite picture from that day. Daddy, holding Charlie.

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Notice of Delay

Hi Friends,

A family emergency came up this week and I'm behind in blogging... hope to have something done by the weekend but we'll see. Thanks for your understanding!


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss