NEW WEBSITE!!!

Hi Friends,

As you may have noticed, it's been quiet on here lately. Well, guess what! I have a new site set up with my own website name, and all of the archived posts are there, but there's a new post there for you to check out - www.stillbirthfriend.com

I'll be focusing a little bit more directly on helping you be a great support and communicator with your friends who have had a baby die, so if you have specific questions that you would like to suggest I address in a post, please reach out!

 I'm working on getting email subscriptions set up, so if you currently get posts from this (blogger/google) site whenever there's a new post, don't worry - I'll make sure you will get notifications from the new site instead!

 Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Happy birthday, my sweet one

Happy birthday, my sweet one. Now you are 4 years old. My friend Caitilin says for that makes you a proper preschooler! You would be so big now. You're a big brother now. I imagine you so often, blond like your mommy and daddy were at this age. I imagine you being mischievousness when I'm rocking your brother to sleep, imagine you being so sweet and so loved.

You are loved and missed, my sweet Charlie. We visited your grave, and your brother got to visit for the first time. We cared for your garden; that's how we care for you. Your family gathered carefully together, in this strange time, so we could still celebrate your life and remember you. We have to be far apart, but our hearts are so close together.

June 19, 2016 †

Big News

(Topic: Pregnancy, rainbow baby)

Hi Friends,

As you may have noticed, there have been some large gaps between posts lately. I am about a year late in telling you this... I was expecting and now have a rainbow baby!

Please note, this post will talk about pregnancy and having a small baby, after having had a loss. If you are in a place where reading about someone's pregnancy and baby is hard, please consider not reading further. I will not be hurt or offended if you do not read this post.
If you do decide to continue reading, please be aware that I will be posting a picture of my living child in this post, but not until the very end, so if you want to read it but don't want to see pictures, you'll be able to. I'll put in a warning before the pictures.

.....

This whole last year has been one heck of a ride, and very overwhelming. You may have noticed that my posts became very sporadic last summer... We were moving, and things didn't go smoothly with the move, either, so I rarely found the time or energy to write.

Then at the end of July, I started noticing weird cravings, and my body feeling different. This is the same way I found out that I was pregnant with Charlie - weird cravings! This time it was for yellow summer squash, sauteed with onions, salt, pepper, and garlic powder. I normally hate any kind of squash!

So that weekend, I took a test with my husband standing by for moral support (it was harrowing either way. I'd been trying for a while, and every negative test was an adrenaline spike followed by sadness or anger or bitterness... ovulation tests became a thing of anxiety, and at some point we realized that I couldn't test regularly, for my mental health. So we were only testing anything if it really, really made sense, and only with moral support). I had geared myself up mentally for a negative result, like so many before, but at the same time, this one felt so different that I was simultaneously sure that this was the one.

My husband saw the result before I did.

It wasn't pale and sneaky, like some early results, or some of the false positives I'd had over the prior year. This was bold and dark pink, just like the other stripe on the test! I barely believed it even then, and yet it was so certain.

We called our family and close friends right away. We wanted 2 things: a network of support if something went wrong, and also every minute of celebration and hope we could get.

I found, over the course of the pregnancy, that I needed others to be excited, for me, because I couldn't manage to do it myself most of the time. I was excited, on one level, and hopeful, and yet I was terrified and anxious, and a total wreck.

This was not made easier by the fact that I get very, very ill during pregnancy, with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. With Charlie, we never got it under control, and I threw up for 9 months. This time, after a mad scramble to find an OB in our new town, I got some medications started pretty early. I threw up about half a dozen times a day for the first 6 weeks, but then got the appointment with the OB and got meds started. Although we had to tweak the regimen several times, and it wasn't perfect at first, we got it figured out to the point where I think I threw up maybe 6 times the whole rest of the 9 months, which is awesome!

But I'd been so miserable the first month or so, that for the next month or so I had NO energy at all. And even after that, you add in the anxiety too, and I wasn't much help around the house at all. Later in pregnancy I also developed Gestational Diabetes. It does go away after the baby is born, but you are at higher risk of developing diabetes yourself (and much higher risk of having it again for any future pregnancies). I was lucky that I was able to manage it using diet, no meds. But it was once again another hurdle in an already stressful time.

I wish I had been able to write, during those months. If you count backward, you'll see I did post a few times early on, but nothing related to what I was going through. I didn't have the words, and now it's hard to remember well enough to really write about. But I can tell you - the fear was immense. When the baby was too little for me to feel it yet, I feared miscarriage every day, every time I went to the bathroom. When the baby was big enough for me to start feeling it, but not consistently, I worried every time it wasn't moving. I went to the OB for many extra doppler checks, for reassurance. I am very grateful for an OB that understood the stresses and the extra need for reassurance that I had. When the baby was big enough to start having patterns in its movement, I was "blessed" with a baby who didn't really have patterns! I was constantly paying attention to the baby, to the point of ignoring many, many other things in life I probably could have been more on top of.

I had therapy every week, like I had been doing since Charlie died. But because we had just moved, I had to find a new therapist. The first therapist I went to was nice, but not a good fit at all. I felt like I got nothing out of those sessions. So it took some hunting, but I found another, who I still see, and who I really like. Sessions with her helped make the anxiety reasonably manageable. Interestingly, I tried attending an online group session for women who were pregnant after a loss, and I found that my level of anxiety was actually somewhat lower than those who attended the group - I actually stopped attending because it made me worry more. The opposite effect of what I needed...

Our plans for the birth were heavily influenced by our experience with Charlie, as you might expect. Toward the end of pregnancy, I was having weekly NSTs (non-stress tests, basically just having a machine "listen" to the baby's heartbeat, your contractions, and baby's movement. How they fit together gives an idea of how everything is going). At one of the appointments when I was also seeing the OB, we talked about plans for the birth. I know loss moms approach this in a huge variety of ways. In my case, I was balancing a wish for a very natural approach with trying to minimize risks. We had pretty much decided for an induction a few days before the due date, but at the 38 week appointment, one of the NSTs showed a slightly alarming result: during one contraction, the baby's heartbeat didn't slow during the contraction (normal), it dipped after... which can mean issues with the baby getting resources from the placenta (not a good scene). Despite it being a one-off result - all other NSTs and the rest of that one were normal - she didn't want to take any risks of the baby having a problem. Especially given our loss background - the last thing she wanted was to raise our anxiety or have another tragedy. So she told us that she felt we should not even go home - we should just go straight to the hospital for an induction. Luckily, because that appointment was when we were going to do birth planning, I had my husband with me. The OB gave us some time to talk it over, and unfortunately we didn't think about stopping for lunch on the way to the hospital! I was induced that day.

I had been somewhat proactive in planning for grief triggers surrounding the birth, so I had a folder in my suitcase with a door sign and a letter to providers, to clue people in about some of the requests I would be making. For instance, we made it clear that this was our second child, and that it was ok to mention Charlie. I asked for things to be explained in great detail to me, because knowing exactly what would happen helped keep me calm.

The birth went really smoothly. They had me on monitors the whole time since the reason for induction was the possibility that the baby wasn't getting enough oxygen or could have issues (the baby did fine throughout labor). They did a very good job of being sensitive to our requests.

Toward what felt like the eternal middle of labor but turned out to be near the end, everything started going very quickly and my OB barely made it in time! They were having trouble monitoring the baby because of how low the baby had gotten, so they were a bit worried and wanted to make sure the baby had enough oxygen. This was the only truly panicky moment for me, because the way to help the baby get more oxygen is to up the mom's oxygen - and I have a long seated terror of gas-type masks from a surgery I had as a kid.

The baby came out fine, though I later learned there was a loose cord around neck and shoulder. This did not cause the blip on the test that made us go in for the induction - that remained unexplained.

It was a boy! The OB held him up in such a way there was no doubt! He was a tad slow to respond initially, so some NICU doctors that were standing by rubbed him down and got him good and mad and squalling, while also getting his birth weight (7 lbs 5.6 oz). Then I finally got to hold my little darling.

....

(Pictures are coming up soon, so this is a good place to stop if you want to avoid those)

....

I think I'll take another post to talk about the hospital stay and beyond. This already covers a lot, what with pregnancy AND birth! I may expound another time on certain aspects of how grief intersected with pregnancy or with birth, as I see how writing about it goes, and if there's interest. I'd also like to talk specifically about how to support a loss mom going through this, based on my own experiences, for those of you who would like to have some ideas of how to compassionately support your friends who have been through pregnancy loss, miscarriage or stillbirth.

Here is a picture of our Sweetpea ❤️. If only there were a little 4 year old Charlie there too...

Our little Sweetpea

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Sunflower Hat and Blanket

(Topic: Knitting, NICU donations)

Hi Friends!

This is a project I made at some point in the last three years, while I was in a knitting group that made blankets and hats for babies in the local NICU. I knitted quite a few, and I don't think I've posted this one before! This is one I had fun inventing, particularly the hat.

The hat  with petals! It has a crocheted border. This is before I added extra "leaves" to the green part.

The blanket is crocheted, but has a similar laciness to the hat.

Extra crocheted loops on the hat for "leaves". Some people still didn't recognize it as a flower, but it was intended to be reminiscent of Mary Cecil's flower fairies or Ann Geddes' photos, and I think of it as a sunflower.

The hat tied to the blanket with a ribbon so they don't get separated in the donation process.

 Donated blankets and hats are often basic so they're quick to knit, and I appreciate that, but I really get bored with that after a while. This one was fun because I mixed it up and invented as I went!


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

White and Blue Handtowel

(Topic: Knitting)

Hi Friends!

This is a project I finished a while ago, but am finally getting around to sharing. This is the partner to the Blue and White Handtowel I told you about last May.

It's the exact same pattern, with my exact same yarns and color choices: just reversed! This is so I have a matching but alternating pair of towels for the kitchen.

This was a really soft, silky cotton to work with, and ends up drying hands really well.

Most of the blue portion. The edges are garter and the center is seed stitch.

Here the decreases in the blue section are done, and I've started the white. The decreases continue until you get to the hanging bit.

And here they are, done! The matching pair, including reversed color buttons!

This is the pair in my new kitchen! I didn't sew the button until a few months ago - this picture is actually before the previous picture but I liked it better so I wanted to end with it!

 This was a lovely quick pattern to knit, and the cotton I used works really well. I'm sure it would work with any cotton yarn but the cheaper yarns that are easy to find would be a bit harsher and not as silky. I had fun with this project!

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

All About Charlie

(topic: grief, memories, babies)

Hi friends,

It has lately become more and more noticeable to me that when I talk about Charlie, it's usually in certain repetitive scenarios and often the same few facts and stories.

The most common scenario is that I end up chatting with a stranger, or new acquaintance of some sort, and they ask if I have kids or my former pregnancy otherwise comes up in some way, and they ask about it.
The conversation that results usually ends up covering the same points:
- my son died
- it was a stillbirth
- yes it was full term
- yes it is sad

Sometimes it goes on, usually into nosy questions that strangers and new acquaintances really have no right to ask:
- can you have more?
- will you have more?
- how exactly did it happen? (sometimes followed by questions that start to go in the direction of trying to see if it was my fault)

I almost never get asked his name. I often say it and start calling him by name (he deserves recognition and acknowledgement of his person-hood), but it's almost always started by me. And that's why I'll usually ask other loss moms about their child's name.

I never, ever get asked questions about missing him. I never get asked questions about what he was like. People forget - or maybe haven't realized - that he lived (actively!!!) inside of me for many months before he died. Many people seem to subconsciously assume that because he never breathed, he never lived (and that is the legal definition, but boy did he LIVE inside me! He was so bouncy!).

It is important to note that in some cultures, the moment of official "life" is conception, others it's when the baby first moves (the "quickening"), others it's when the first breath is taken. One could even argue for various stages of development, such as the heart beating, or levels of brain development. The thing is, to a pregnant mother, regardless of the "official" moment of life, the baby is present in their lives before birth. They feel the baby moving and hiccupping, and the baby's reactions to outside stimuli (startlement, moving when there is noise or sound, or kicking when the mom sits in a position that gives the baby space or conversely restricts space).

So I want to tell you some of the stories I never get to talk about. The memories I have of the time when Charlie lived. The months in which I began to get to know him, and build hopes and dreams for him. I want to tell you about CHARLIE, not Charlie's DEATH.

I found out I was pregnant with Charlie on the day before my birthday, on the day we were having a small party with my family and best friend. We decided not to tell anyone yet, and we kept just looking at each other... we were fairly bursting! Afterward, my family and my friend told me they all had suspicions that something was up, and several of them had an idea of what it might be!

When Charlie started kicking, he quickly got really active and vigorous! He bounced and trounced and was so much fun, that we quickly started calling the baby "tigger" (we didn't know whether it was a boy or girl - we'd decided to keep it a surprise till his was born!). We kept calling the baby tigger through the whole pregnancy!

Did you know Charlie loved music?? That was probably one of the most remarkable things about him that we got to know. And he had impeccable taste! We didn't really know he liked music until we went to a concert of the Akron, Ohio symphony, at which Joshua Bell (famous amazing violinist) was soloing. Hubby and I were super excited, but I expected the baby to react to the timpani or maybe the full orchestra sections, since those are the parts that resonate through the body more. Instead, I found that during the solos of the famous violinist, I ended up very distracted, because the baby started dancing like crazy! He settled down during all other parts. He only liked solo world class violin!

A while later, on Mother's Day, my youngest sister (a violinist) was going to play a duet with a church handbell choir. I thought, based on our prior experience, that the baby would only react when my sister was playing alone. Wrong again! Apparently he loved violin AND bells. (It literally just occurred to me as I'm writing this, that at the concert he liked a violinist named Bell, and this time around it was a violinist and bells! HA!)

Because of these experiences, I was already imagining the baby becoming a musical toddler, and borrowing my sister's - his aunt's - 1/16th size violin from when she'd been young and begun playing. It is a future that I miss.

A particularly fun day was when the baby first visibly reacted to Daddy. We were at a civil war ball, and between things we were hanging out in the room. At one point the baby started moving, and I told hubby to come feel. Hubby started pressing a little bit harder, and baby kicked back! He played push-and-kick several times before the baby quieted down again!

After Charlie was born, we got to hold him for a day, and get to know the parts we couldn't before: his face, his body, his physical self.

But some of these I actually already knew! For instance, I didn't know how long his feet and toes were, but I knew they were strong - early on, he boxed with my ovaries, and later in pregnancy he would dig his feet in under my ribs into my liver and puuush!!

His feet were 3-1/2" long, and he had long fingers too.

I got to know his little nose, that was button shaped like mine, but had a strong straight bridge like Daddy's, so who knows who he would have grown up to look like? He had my small ears, not big ones like Daddy, and had some curl in his dark hair.


I don't have a ton of stories, but these are CHARLIE'S stories, like the ones everyone else tells about their children. I just don't ever get any new ones.
Please ask me about Charlie. I might tell the same stories over again, but to me, that is one of the few things I can do as his mom.
Thank you for listening.

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

New Years Resolutions

(Topic: Life after loss, grief, holidays)

Hi Friends,

I'm terrible at New Years Resolutions, and anyway, resolutions work better when you come to them bit by bit and work on them piece by piece.

But for fun, and for reflection, here are a few things that I'm currently working on:

1) Be patient with myself, and let my feelings be what they are.

I often "should" on myself - which means that I tell myself what I should do, what I should feel - when really I need to be patient and let myself get done what I can, appreciate what I have the energy to do, and acknowledge the feelings I have. (What naughty word does "should-ing" sound like? Does it sound like "should-ing" on yourself is a good idea???)

2) I will not let anyone's comments change how I honor my son and his memory.

Someone might be able to make a comment that hurts my feelings, but I will honor my own gut feelings and mama instincts in how I honor Charlie and his memory, and I will not let anyone change that (unless it's a good idea! In which case, bring it on 😊.)

3) I will also honor my physical self, and try to eat right and exercise more.

I know, this is on everyone's list. Here's specifically how I plan to do it: I will keep track of how much liquid I drink, and what I eat. I know from the past that if I hydrate well I feel better, and that if I track my food I tend to overeat less. I will walk more often, and once I've worked up to it a bit, I'll start walking 5K's again (only the ones with participation medals, though. If I don't get a Shiny at the end, there's not enough motivation for me!)

4) I will read.

Not more, not specific: I just challenge myself to read. Apparently many people struggle with reading after a grief event, and it hit me hard. For about a year I don't think I read anything longer than a short blog post. Then a librarian friend encouraged me and helped by vetting books so I wouldn't accidentally read something with triggers, and I found out that graphic novels and reading on a kindle work better for me than regular books (I haven't tried audio books yet). I don't read anywhere as much as I used to, but I now read again. So I will keep working on that. Follow me on Goodreads if you use it, if you want to see what I read - I will post on here about particularly interesting items, but not every book!


I feel like 4 is enough!! That gives me several things to work on as the year charges ahead. Comment below if you have a resolution that is life-after-loss related that you'd like to share!

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Fingerless Mitts

(Topic: knitting, Christmas gifts)

Hi Friends!

For Christmas this year, I decided to knit one present - a daring act, since I often procrastinate or take on too much, and end up with nothing done! But I picked a smallish project that ended up going faster than anticipated, so my Dad got a finished gift for Christmas!

One of his jobs is being a translator from home, which involves a lot of typing. His office is on the second floor of the house and is often slightly cool, so add having your arms extended for mousing and typing, and your hands end up cold! This was a great project to combat that without compromising his ability to type.

The project is a basic fingerless mitt, without a special thumb warmer section. It's really straightforward if you're comfortable doing ribbing, and the thumb hole is basically a horizontal buttonhole.

I used 100% wool Lion Brand yarn from my stash, in a cheery Christmas red! I warned Dad not to throw them in the dryer, but beyond that they should be pretty durable.

The body of the mitt didn't take too long to knit - just a few pleasant hours with friends or with a movie!

The original pattern picture.

One done! Just need to tuck in those ends.

The second one approaching final length.

And, done! Unfortunately I didn't get a pic of them on the recipient, but they fit him great!

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Support and How I Changed

(Topic: grief after loss support, holidays)

Our mantle, stockings, and present area - no tree this year.

Hi Friends,

This year is different. This is our 4th Christmas after Charlie died, and every year has been different, but this year is really different.

For the last 3 years, my reaction to Christmas has been what you see in support articles: a combo of needing to be involved, but not wanting to be involved; feeling angry; feeling left out; feeling overwhelmed.

Titles of articles I'm seeing this year:
Grief at Christmas
What's to be Done About the Empty Stocking
A Letter to the Grieving Mom This Holiday Season

6 Ways To Survive The Holidays Without Your Child

Dear Santa: On Christmas In Heaven

10 Simple Reasons the Holidays Hurt

My Wish For Christmas After Child Loss

Getting Real About Another Holiday Season After Loss

7 Ways To Ease The Pain For Bereaved Loved Ones This Holiday Season

Five Simple Ways to Include Your Child in the Holidays

Dear Loss Mama: It’s Ok To Grieve This Christmas

The First Year – Navigating These Seasons When Your Child Has Died
Creating New Holiday Traditions

There is nothing wrong with any of these blogs and articles. They are all valid views, and many would have been comforting to me in the past and are probably helpful to new loss parents.

But this year is different.

I'm in a different headspace about the holiday, and it's really helping me. I wrote about a new approach, a new perspective, that occurred to me this year. Instead of being a grinch, and thinking about Mary as actually having a baby, which created a lot of jealousy, reframing it as a memorial birthday really helped. Now I think of it as a loss mom - not an infant loss mom, but still, related - who is remembering fondly the birthday of her loved one, and hoping to see him in heaven again someday. That, I can get behind.

That doesn't mean I didn't have sad moments.

I totally did. But they were isolated, and didn't tinge the whole holiday for me!

The moment that got me was singing Silent Night. It's a lullaby, and the alto part is pretty too, and it's about holding a silent baby - really, this author says it so well I cried again reading this article:

In The Pain And Holiness Of Silent Nights by DeAndrea Dare.

But over all, I had a good holiday, which was a refreshing change from the last few years.

I hope your holiday was gentle to you.

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Pan Handle Potholder

(Topic: Crochet, sewing, cooking)

Hi Friends!

Recently we noticed that our cast iron pans with bare handles (as opposed to wooden handles) are easier to pick up when we have a dedicated potholder shaped like the handle rather than just wrapping one around it.

I figured, that would be something easy to make! So I crocheted one, using cotton yarn:

Crocheted exactly to the specs of our pan handles!

Added a loop so I can hang it up with our other potholders on the kitchen wall!

I also lined it with a double layer of cotton flannel for extra heat protection, stitched along the bottom edge to prevent slippage. It works really well!!


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Words About Death - Part II

(Topic: Words, Death, Reactions, Triggers)

Hi Friends,

A few weeks ago, I posted about 15 words related to death that I either liked or disliked, and shared my reasons why I find some to be better than others.

I don't often have a lot of people comment on my posts, here or on Facebook or instagram (where I share the links) but I often do have a few people reach out and chat with me about what I wrote. I love those conversations! Sometimes I learn a lot, too.

After that post about words, though, several people reached out to me, and not all of them were the people who most frequently reply! I wanted to address a couple of the concerns and points that were brought to my attention.

One of the concerns people had was that they had used a word that I found problematic. First of all, if you're doing your best, I'm not likely to be offended even if I disagree with your word choices. Second, if I find the word choice problematic, I will almost certainly let you know! I know that most people are well intentioned, and don't realize the deeper ramifications of their word selections. So I will likely explain and help you understand my reasons, but I will not be offended. Generally, I write posts like that to help people see my perspective, to give them some context for when they next have to choose words; I don't generally write because I have been super offended (opinionated, yes; offended, not usually!).

One of the other comments I got was that I'd missed some important words.
I limited myself to 15 because it made a good post length - there are so many words I could have included!!! I tried to hit the top several I personally consider to be either really bad or really good. But they were based solely on my own experience - several examples were given to me based on other peoples' experiences. They are just as valid as my own experiences, but simply didn't make my list because I haven't encountered them as much. If there are specific words or topics you would be interested in seeing me address, please feel free to reach out! If I have enough words to make another post (with enough context that I feel comfortable writing about them), I might make another list.

Thank you for reaching out and talking to me about what I wrote! I always hope that what I write is helpful or makes people think, and it's nice to hear people's reactions.

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Why Can't I Write?

(Topic: Effects  of grief, reading/writing)

To the teachers who told me I was a good writer:

Was I really? I was an avid writer. I loved words, and playing with their sounds and cadences. But was I a good writer, really? I wrote so much in college, but it was rhythm and sound without soul, empty. I look back at the poetry now, so many pages of it, and so much of it is hollow. Did I write well? I wrote. I practiced, I learned techniques, but I hadn't lived.
And now, the bottom fell out of my world, and I cannot write. I stare at a page where before, poetry would have danced out of my mind, and it is blank. My pen hesitates, and I cannot form thought to word. I am stuck, in the place where my soul wants to cry, and my voice is broken from weeping. Is that why my poetry was so flat? I hadn't had my soul rent, and so I thought dancing words was all there was? Now my soul wants to wail in beauty and instead I am locked in silence and pain.
There is beauty in my brokenness - I see it, my eyes are not blind. I see, I hear, I feel so dangerously at the pinnacle of experience, so many things at once, yet find the words abandon me, the phrase-music is tied in the knots of my pain and I cannot sing it.


Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Pookie Visits Euclid Beach Park

(Topic: Beach, adventures, teddy bear)

Hi Friends!

This week we happened to be visiting Cleveland, Ohio, and at one point I was in Euclid with a couple hours to kill. Pookie and I looked at google maps and picked out a likely looking park!

Pookie on a swing. I wasn't rocking him, the wind was!! The video below gives you some sense of how strong the wind was...

Looking "out to sea". I'm surprised he didn't blow over! You can tell it's windy, though, because his ears blew back!!

We made it right down to the water. Pookie liked this driftwood log.

Euclid Beach Park was originally a swim beach back in the early 1900s that then transitioned into a summer getaway area for Clevelanders, and eventually transitioned into an amusement park, which stayed in business until the late 1960s. You can still see the carousel from the 1920s in the Western Reserve Historical Society museum in Cleveland.

Pookie trying to take a selfie, but his arms are short! If you look closely, way off in the distance (about 12 miles) you can see the Cleveland skyline.

The small current pier, much shorter than the one from the 1920s. Would be a nice place to sit if you're not being blasted by strong steady winds coming in across the lake at nearly freezing temps!

Now, I think there's a larger sign somewhere in Cleveland proper, maybe just west of downtown? I'm not sure. But this one was a great size for sassy "I'm not cold at all" Pookie!

Are we done taking pics yet, Mama? My ears might be a little cold after all.

A section of boardwalk. You can see one of the stone breakwaters behind him. The waves were making big sprays as they hit them! I didn't time this photo to catch it, but I have one below that does.

In the sling, heading back to the car, trying to block the wind from his ears! We didn't know we'd be going to the beach, or I'd have brought his hat and mittens.

Sploosh!

I could have used a few extra layers, and didn't realize it till evening but my cheeks got windburned. It was such a fun hour on the beach, though, and Pook was such a good sport with all the picture posing!!

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

How I'll Think About Christmas This Year

(Topic: Grief, Religion, Christmas, Pregnancy)

Hi Friends,

Christmas, and particularly the figure of Mary, can be a bit complicated to come to terms with after experiencing infant loss. I've written about this before, exploring how the themes of pregnancy and happy arrival can be very difficult for a loss parent. I've felt sad, during the Christmas season, and I've felt bitter, and I've felt jealous. I struggle with this, since the overwhelming cultural push is to be Merry TM. So it's difficult when you don't fit that mold, and feel doubly bad - first, just the feelings you're feeling, and second, guilt that you aren't happy like you "should be".

This year, though, while talking to a pastor yet again to see if I could figure out a way through the season with less emphasis on jealousy and bitterness, I had an idea, a thought, about Mary and her relationship to Jesus, that just might help.

You see, although Judaism as a religion does not seem to really mark birthdays, and ancient Judaism probably not either, it occurred to me that, as a Christian, we are marking  Jesus' birthday in the holiday of Christmas. And it occurred to me that Jesus is not actually born every year - we are remembering the birthday of one who, long ago, lived then died (then lived again, then went away to heaven). He is gone from Mary's presence and ultimately ours, and we hope, someday, after death to be reunited.
How is that different from me marking Charlie's birthday every year??
It occurred to me that in some ways, it's not. Obviously, Jesus is more widely admired and remembered than Charlie, but when it comes to the feelings I go through, it's viscerally the same: We miss them, we remember them, and we hope (in Christian Hope) to be reunited someday, after our earthly days, at the heavenly river.

I don't actually know if this mindset will help me not feel jealous and bitter this year, but it felt like such a lightning bolt of inspiration and hope, and felt so right, that I have the feeling it might be just the perspective shift I needed.

May this holiday season fall peacefully upon you, regardless of which religion you follow and which traditions feel heavy. May peace rest in your soul.

With love,

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Thanksgiving with Pookie

(Topic: Thanksgiving, Holidays, Weighted Bear/Pookie)

Hi Friends!

Many loss parents struggle with Thanksgiving - it's a holiday with a lot of family coming together, and not all families are completely understanding and supportive.

My husband and I are lucky. Our families are both really supportive overall, and my family's Thanksgiving traditions are pretty laid back and don't involve a lot of extended family. This year, my hubby's parents joined my family for dinner.

I really just consider it an unusually elaborate and large family dinner. It's nice to hang out with my parents and sibs.

So this year, I'm going to show you a couple of pictures of how my weighted bear, Pookie, was part of the celebration, and how Charlie was represented in the dining room.

With our move this summer and hectic schedule this fall, it's been way too long since Pookie had a bath! We wanted him fluffy and clean for the holiday :)

Clean Pookie airing out before getting dressed! Sorry for the blur, not sure what my camera was doing this week.

Ready to head out. He packed the suitcase, and chose his turkey pjs and beaded moccasins to wear for the holiday.

We had a bit of time to visit Charlie (he's buried near my parents' house). It was a nice way to include him in the day even if he's not super present during the meal.

Pookie visited and chatted with everyone! Here he's sitting next to his granddad.

I asked my mom to let me set Charlie's picture and candle in the dining room on the sideboard. It wasn't safe to have it lit in that spot, but it was super nice anyway. I loved having his picture present.

I hope your Thanksgiving was gentle. If it wasn't, I send my love and thoughts to you, and Pookie offers a hug.


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Five Resources for Remembering Your Child at the Holidays

(Topic: Holiday traditions, memorials)

Hi Friends,

At first I thought I'd write about our personal traditions (which I will still include at the end!) but I realized there are so many good resources out there that I wanted to share. In this post you will find 5 great resources with their own lists of ideas on how to honor and remember your baby during this upcoming holiday season. Most are from some of the really big support and grief organizations, so take a look at what else they offer too!

1. Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep is an organization in which professional photographers volunteer their time to take photographs of babies who die in a stillbirth or in the NICU. They have a Top 5 list for how to honor your baby this holiday season, which you can download. I believe one of their suggestions is their keepsake ornament, which is pretty large (usually about 4" across) but usually really nice. We've gotten one for the last three years!
2. Star Legacy Foundation hasn't published a list yet this year (that I've seen) but they do great research about stillbirth prevention (as well as doing great grief support), and host a yearly conference. On their website and at their conference (as paper stars hanging from the ceiling) they list and remember any baby that has had their name submitted.
3. Still Standing Magazine shared this list of ways to honor and remember your baby. Still Standing is a great blog/magazine/e-zine, and frequently also reposts some of their older articles on FB too. They have some great material and also occasionally accept submissions from loss parents.
4. Unexpected Family Outing (a life-after-loss blog) published this list a few years ago, of ways to honor your feelings and your baby during the holidays.
5. Return To Zero: Hope is an organization that was founded after the film Return To Zero came out. I have yet to see this film but have heard it's extremely good (and touching), and focuses on life after infant loss. Their Hope organization is active on Facebook, and published this post with ideas for the holiday season.

Obviously our own traditions are the ones that, over the last few years, we have found work for us. They may or may not be a good fit for you, so just see what feels right. I hope these ideas help!

1. Lighting a candle (possibly with a picture next to it). This is a nice way to have a deceased loved one "present" without making it a huge topic of conversation. I recommend a long-burning candle so you don't have to worry about checking on it, just making sure you put it out at the end of the evening. We have a specific candle in tiger colors that we use for Charlie.
2. For us, having Pookie (our weighted bear in Charlie's memory) present at family gatherings is a great way to have Charlie represented. He's also fun for other family members to hold! Not everyone is comfortable considering him a "character" (like Hobbes, or Pooh) but some of my family are, and they'll have him on their lap sometimes even if I don't! It makes me feel like my son is included in the love.
3. We hang a stocking for Charlie every year (which I made for him!). It shows his place in the family. Honestly we hang one for Pookie too, because he's become a representative part of the family on Charlie's behalf (he often gets an ornament, board book, or small tiger or bear toy).
4. We try to get Charlie a gift every year, always a new Christmas ornament and sometimes a small tiger-themed item, and I put it in his stocking, wrapped! It's unwrapped by me and my husband, which is a nice family moment. Also, my husband doesn't always know what I've gotten, so someone is still surprised and delighted!
5. As you might imagine, sometimes I find more than one ornament that I like, plus we have now started getting the NILMDTS ornament (like I mentioned above in #1 of the first list), so the number of Charlie ornaments is adding up! Last year, for the first time, we decided to do a tabletop tree just for Charlie. I really liked the way it felt. It was a little 2-foot tree, we gave it its own strand of lights, and every ornament on it was a tiger, a bear (for Pookie), or a memorial ornament with Charlie's name on it. Actually, there are one or two exceptions, such as gifts that were given to us in Charlie's memory, which we consider "his" as well. It was truly lovely, and I hope to repeat it this year - so you see that even several years later, we still see what feels right and try new things.

As always, feel out what feels right to you, and communicate openly with your spouse or loved ones so you are on the same page. (This can include not attending certain gatherings if you need the space, for instance, or asking for a picture to be included, etc.)

May these holidays land softly and be gentle to your soul.

With love,

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Completed Folia Cowl (the "leafy cowl") post number 4

(Topic: Knitting)

Hi Friends!

Gosh, this one took forever. I'll check the dates on my first photos in a minute to get a ballpark of how long this took, but I'm thinking it was close to a year from start to finish.

... yep, I started it in late October 2018...

The reason this took so long was not that I'm a slow knitter, but that this project got put in timeout several times for being complicated, and slow going.
The complicated part was the lace: the lace pattern was two leaves wide and two leaves tall, so for my total width in the cowl I did: edging, 3 repeats of the lace pattern including a purl 2 border between each one, and the edging again. This meant that my row was fairly long, and the lace pattern was 20 rows tall for both leaves. I had to keep track of where I was both horizontally and vertically, and remember to repeat the row of the pattern three times to actually complete a row of my actual cowl.
Because of several factors, it was slow, too: all that keeping track slowed me down; marking where I was on the pattern slowed me down; some of the fancier stitches slowed me down - but mostly because of counting to where I needed to put them, because the pattern was impossible to memorize, so I had to watch what I was doing more closely; and the yarn was scratchy which meant it didn't glide as smoothly.
And because of both the complicated and the slow, I got bored with it fast and didn't do long sessions of knitting as often, and didn't pick it up as often because it wasn't as fun.

HOWEVER, the pattern was pretty well written (if a bit over-complicating things a few times), and the chart was easy to follow (it was actually the first chart I worked with. This pattern was geared toward "ambitious beginners" and had a written version as well as a chart version, so that "rosetta stone" helped me figure out charts! I've since done others successfully). I ended up ending the scarf when the length "felt right" but it actually matched the number of repeats the pattern author suggested! The pattern, while tedious to make, ended up beautiful, and might have been a bit more enjoyable with a different yarn - I don't feel like I will use this pattern again, but if so, I'll make something smaller and with a better yarn and see if I like the pattern better and find it less wearisome.

The yarn: This is the same yarn you might recognize from the Cedar Leaf Shawlette I finished in October 2018. Here are all the posts about that one:

WIP Leafy Shawl, Sept. 8, 2018
WIP Green Leafy Shawl part 2, Sept. 15, 2018

WIP Cedar Leaf Shawlette Part 3, Sept. 22, 2018

Cedarleaf Shawlette WIP Update 4, Sept. 29, 2018

Completed Green Cedar Leaf Shawlette, Oct. 28, 2018

Completed Cedar Leaf Shawlete, Nov. 3, 2018

Here are all the prior posts about this cowl:

WIP Leafy Cowl, Oct. 27, 2018

New Folia Cowl, post 2, Nov. 10, 2018

Folia Cowl, post 3 (work in progress), April 13, 2019

The Shawlette sits farther out on my shoulders, so the yarn is less of an issue, but with the cowl, it sits right up against my neck if I'm not careful, so the scratchiness of the yarn is a bit of a downer.

The length and pattern progressing.

Trying to figure out what length to stop at.

Testing the length.

Figuring out where to put the closure.

A close-up of the pattern. The part between my fingers is one vertical repeat of the lace pattern.

Bound off!

The finished cowl!

Spread out in the shape I would wear it.

  

How it looks on me!

And, a year later, it's finally done! I haven't worn it with any outfit yet (the picture above was a trial run), so we'll see if it ends up being a wardrobe staple or not.

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss