Prayer Shawl 1, and a Sunflower

Dear Friends,

One of the knitting groups I'm in, which meets at a church, makes prayer shawls/lap blankets for the VA hospital in a nearby city. I've been in that group for close to 2 years, but somehow that project somehow rarely seemed to be on the top of my pile. Well! Yesterday I finally finished it!

It is made from yarns donated to the group, but there is enough yarn on hand I was able to select the colors I wanted to work with. You can probably tell that getting enough of the same gray was difficult, but working with several different balls of yarn, and even double-stranding at one point to make it knit to the right scale and tension, I was able to create the striping pattern I had in mind.

Also, one of my sisters helped me for a bit! She did several rows in the middle boring gray part.

The loose portion on the lower right is because I discovered we'd made a hole by accidentally picking up a stitch. That is easily fixable by just dropping the same stitch, but because I found it many rows too late, dropping the stitch made a long ladder of looseness down to where the hole was. I evened it out quite a bit, but some of it will need some time to settle down and even out.

Close-up of the loose section and the inadvertent gray-shade color changes. Not perfect, but warm and cuddly.

The sunflower on top of the shawl is a crocheted wall decoration, made by request for a friend. It's all cotton yarn.

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Pookie's BooBoo

 Hi Friends,

I would like to share something with you. A few months ago I PANICKED. I found a place on Pookie's face, not even at a seam, where there was a tear in his fur (probably a run from when they placed his eyes).

Now, as you know from reading this blog, I am a reasonably competent seamstress, and I have done quilting, embroidery, sewing, and many related tasks (including household mending), for many years. On a factual level, I should have found this challenge rather simple and unassuming.

However, it was not just a factual case.

This is an emotional case.

Pookie is not, factually, my son - but, in many ways, he is Charlie's proxy. When discovering this tear (I have the feeling it had been a long day, but don't remember for sure), I had an honest, I-can't-breathe panic attack. I'd like to think, based on my experience with my siblings and baby sitting for others, that I would not panic over something equivalent to a bump or a scratch, easily bandaged and cared for.

But Pookie won't heal on his own from a little scratch, and I couldn't even figure out how it had happened. Possibly while I brushed him after a bath? And the bath had him smelling wrong, too... And with Pookie, there is all the emotional background from Charlie, too, and I felt I'd let Pookie and Charlie down in so many ways. I felt I'd "ruined" Pookie. I sobbed and sobbed, and was inconsolable for a long time. I don't even know how to explain the layers of fear and guilt, not keeping him safe, wanting him not to be hurt, wanting him to be fixed... and underneath, not even knowing which "him" I was talking about...

Hubby had the presence of mind to realize where I was emotionally, give me lots of hugs, and essentially forbade me from fixing Pookie that night, knowing that I am far more likely to make mistakes (and make things worse) when overwrought.

As it was, in the morning's light, I could see that he was not irreparable, and yet I needed to work myself up to actually fixing him. I had discovered the wound before Christmas. I took the materials with me over our Christmas trip, but didn't bring myself to doing it there or in the car in either direction. I was honestly very worried that I would make it worse, and some part of me was also worried that I would hurt him.

I had found the perfect pale blue shade of embroidery floss, and at some point, I steeled my nerves and went for it...

The close up at the beginning of this post is where the tear is (not horribly visible, since both his fur and stuffing are a very light shade). Also, I think this picture might be post mending, but honestly, I don't remember for sure and can't tell... Funnily enough as I write this, I could have sworn it was near the other eye. And, if this is post-mend, it's even possible I put the circle below in the wrong place, but I added that to the picture right after it happened... By the time the tear was mended, it was actually invisible and nearly impossible to feel, too. Much better than I could ever have hoped for, actually.

I was very proud, when I told Hubby the results that evening. And Pookie got lots and hugs and kisses, too.

Wearing a sticker, for doing well while getting stitches!!!

It was hard. It was scary. It brought up so many emotions. I don't know if I have a point or a conclusion to this story, but wanted to share how sometimes I get surprised by the intensity of my grief, and yet somehow, manage.

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them!

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss