Happy birthday, my sweet one

Happy birthday, my sweet one. Now you are 4 years old. My friend Caitilin says for that makes you a proper preschooler! You would be so big now. You're a big brother now. I imagine you so often, blond like your mommy and daddy were at this age. I imagine you being mischievousness when I'm rocking your brother to sleep, imagine you being so sweet and so loved.

You are loved and missed, my sweet Charlie. We visited your grave, and your brother got to visit for the first time. We cared for your garden; that's how we care for you. Your family gathered carefully together, in this strange time, so we could still celebrate your life and remember you. We have to be far apart, but our hearts are so close together.

June 19, 2016 †

Big News

(Topic: Pregnancy, rainbow baby)

Hi Friends,

As you may have noticed, there have been some large gaps between posts lately. I am about a year late in telling you this... I was expecting and now have a rainbow baby!

Please note, this post will talk about pregnancy and having a small baby, after having had a loss. If you are in a place where reading about someone's pregnancy and baby is hard, please consider not reading further. I will not be hurt or offended if you do not read this post.
If you do decide to continue reading, please be aware that I will be posting a picture of my living child in this post, but not until the very end, so if you want to read it but don't want to see pictures, you'll be able to. I'll put in a warning before the pictures.

.....

This whole last year has been one heck of a ride, and very overwhelming. You may have noticed that my posts became very sporadic last summer... We were moving, and things didn't go smoothly with the move, either, so I rarely found the time or energy to write.

Then at the end of July, I started noticing weird cravings, and my body feeling different. This is the same way I found out that I was pregnant with Charlie - weird cravings! This time it was for yellow summer squash, sauteed with onions, salt, pepper, and garlic powder. I normally hate any kind of squash!

So that weekend, I took a test with my husband standing by for moral support (it was harrowing either way. I'd been trying for a while, and every negative test was an adrenaline spike followed by sadness or anger or bitterness... ovulation tests became a thing of anxiety, and at some point we realized that I couldn't test regularly, for my mental health. So we were only testing anything if it really, really made sense, and only with moral support). I had geared myself up mentally for a negative result, like so many before, but at the same time, this one felt so different that I was simultaneously sure that this was the one.

My husband saw the result before I did.

It wasn't pale and sneaky, like some early results, or some of the false positives I'd had over the prior year. This was bold and dark pink, just like the other stripe on the test! I barely believed it even then, and yet it was so certain.

We called our family and close friends right away. We wanted 2 things: a network of support if something went wrong, and also every minute of celebration and hope we could get.

I found, over the course of the pregnancy, that I needed others to be excited, for me, because I couldn't manage to do it myself most of the time. I was excited, on one level, and hopeful, and yet I was terrified and anxious, and a total wreck.

This was not made easier by the fact that I get very, very ill during pregnancy, with Hyperemesis Gravidarum. With Charlie, we never got it under control, and I threw up for 9 months. This time, after a mad scramble to find an OB in our new town, I got some medications started pretty early. I threw up about half a dozen times a day for the first 6 weeks, but then got the appointment with the OB and got meds started. Although we had to tweak the regimen several times, and it wasn't perfect at first, we got it figured out to the point where I think I threw up maybe 6 times the whole rest of the 9 months, which is awesome!

But I'd been so miserable the first month or so, that for the next month or so I had NO energy at all. And even after that, you add in the anxiety too, and I wasn't much help around the house at all. Later in pregnancy I also developed Gestational Diabetes. It does go away after the baby is born, but you are at higher risk of developing diabetes yourself (and much higher risk of having it again for any future pregnancies). I was lucky that I was able to manage it using diet, no meds. But it was once again another hurdle in an already stressful time.

I wish I had been able to write, during those months. If you count backward, you'll see I did post a few times early on, but nothing related to what I was going through. I didn't have the words, and now it's hard to remember well enough to really write about. But I can tell you - the fear was immense. When the baby was too little for me to feel it yet, I feared miscarriage every day, every time I went to the bathroom. When the baby was big enough for me to start feeling it, but not consistently, I worried every time it wasn't moving. I went to the OB for many extra doppler checks, for reassurance. I am very grateful for an OB that understood the stresses and the extra need for reassurance that I had. When the baby was big enough to start having patterns in its movement, I was "blessed" with a baby who didn't really have patterns! I was constantly paying attention to the baby, to the point of ignoring many, many other things in life I probably could have been more on top of.

I had therapy every week, like I had been doing since Charlie died. But because we had just moved, I had to find a new therapist. The first therapist I went to was nice, but not a good fit at all. I felt like I got nothing out of those sessions. So it took some hunting, but I found another, who I still see, and who I really like. Sessions with her helped make the anxiety reasonably manageable. Interestingly, I tried attending an online group session for women who were pregnant after a loss, and I found that my level of anxiety was actually somewhat lower than those who attended the group - I actually stopped attending because it made me worry more. The opposite effect of what I needed...

Our plans for the birth were heavily influenced by our experience with Charlie, as you might expect. Toward the end of pregnancy, I was having weekly NSTs (non-stress tests, basically just having a machine "listen" to the baby's heartbeat, your contractions, and baby's movement. How they fit together gives an idea of how everything is going). At one of the appointments when I was also seeing the OB, we talked about plans for the birth. I know loss moms approach this in a huge variety of ways. In my case, I was balancing a wish for a very natural approach with trying to minimize risks. We had pretty much decided for an induction a few days before the due date, but at the 38 week appointment, one of the NSTs showed a slightly alarming result: during one contraction, the baby's heartbeat didn't slow during the contraction (normal), it dipped after... which can mean issues with the baby getting resources from the placenta (not a good scene). Despite it being a one-off result - all other NSTs and the rest of that one were normal - she didn't want to take any risks of the baby having a problem. Especially given our loss background - the last thing she wanted was to raise our anxiety or have another tragedy. So she told us that she felt we should not even go home - we should just go straight to the hospital for an induction. Luckily, because that appointment was when we were going to do birth planning, I had my husband with me. The OB gave us some time to talk it over, and unfortunately we didn't think about stopping for lunch on the way to the hospital! I was induced that day.

I had been somewhat proactive in planning for grief triggers surrounding the birth, so I had a folder in my suitcase with a door sign and a letter to providers, to clue people in about some of the requests I would be making. For instance, we made it clear that this was our second child, and that it was ok to mention Charlie. I asked for things to be explained in great detail to me, because knowing exactly what would happen helped keep me calm.

The birth went really smoothly. They had me on monitors the whole time since the reason for induction was the possibility that the baby wasn't getting enough oxygen or could have issues (the baby did fine throughout labor). They did a very good job of being sensitive to our requests.

Toward what felt like the eternal middle of labor but turned out to be near the end, everything started going very quickly and my OB barely made it in time! They were having trouble monitoring the baby because of how low the baby had gotten, so they were a bit worried and wanted to make sure the baby had enough oxygen. This was the only truly panicky moment for me, because the way to help the baby get more oxygen is to up the mom's oxygen - and I have a long seated terror of gas-type masks from a surgery I had as a kid.

The baby came out fine, though I later learned there was a loose cord around neck and shoulder. This did not cause the blip on the test that made us go in for the induction - that remained unexplained.

It was a boy! The OB held him up in such a way there was no doubt! He was a tad slow to respond initially, so some NICU doctors that were standing by rubbed him down and got him good and mad and squalling, while also getting his birth weight (7 lbs 5.6 oz). Then I finally got to hold my little darling.

....

(Pictures are coming up soon, so this is a good place to stop if you want to avoid those)

....

I think I'll take another post to talk about the hospital stay and beyond. This already covers a lot, what with pregnancy AND birth! I may expound another time on certain aspects of how grief intersected with pregnancy or with birth, as I see how writing about it goes, and if there's interest. I'd also like to talk specifically about how to support a loss mom going through this, based on my own experiences, for those of you who would like to have some ideas of how to compassionately support your friends who have been through pregnancy loss, miscarriage or stillbirth.

Here is a picture of our Sweetpea ❤️. If only there were a little 4 year old Charlie there too...

Our little Sweetpea

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Sunflower Hat and Blanket

(Topic: Knitting, NICU donations)

Hi Friends!

This is a project I made at some point in the last three years, while I was in a knitting group that made blankets and hats for babies in the local NICU. I knitted quite a few, and I don't think I've posted this one before! This is one I had fun inventing, particularly the hat.

The hat  with petals! It has a crocheted border. This is before I added extra "leaves" to the green part.

The blanket is crocheted, but has a similar laciness to the hat.

Extra crocheted loops on the hat for "leaves". Some people still didn't recognize it as a flower, but it was intended to be reminiscent of Mary Cecil's flower fairies or Ann Geddes' photos, and I think of it as a sunflower.

The hat tied to the blanket with a ribbon so they don't get separated in the donation process.

 Donated blankets and hats are often basic so they're quick to knit, and I appreciate that, but I really get bored with that after a while. This one was fun because I mixed it up and invented as I went!


Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

White and Blue Handtowel

(Topic: Knitting)

Hi Friends!

This is a project I finished a while ago, but am finally getting around to sharing. This is the partner to the Blue and White Handtowel I told you about last May.

It's the exact same pattern, with my exact same yarns and color choices: just reversed! This is so I have a matching but alternating pair of towels for the kitchen.

This was a really soft, silky cotton to work with, and ends up drying hands really well.

Most of the blue portion. The edges are garter and the center is seed stitch.

Here the decreases in the blue section are done, and I've started the white. The decreases continue until you get to the hanging bit.

And here they are, done! The matching pair, including reversed color buttons!

This is the pair in my new kitchen! I didn't sew the button until a few months ago - this picture is actually before the previous picture but I liked it better so I wanted to end with it!

 This was a lovely quick pattern to knit, and the cotton I used works really well. I'm sure it would work with any cotton yarn but the cheaper yarns that are easy to find would be a bit harsher and not as silky. I had fun with this project!

Yours,

Sarah

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Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

All About Charlie

(topic: grief, memories, babies)

Hi friends,

It has lately become more and more noticeable to me that when I talk about Charlie, it's usually in certain repetitive scenarios and often the same few facts and stories.

The most common scenario is that I end up chatting with a stranger, or new acquaintance of some sort, and they ask if I have kids or my former pregnancy otherwise comes up in some way, and they ask about it.
The conversation that results usually ends up covering the same points:
- my son died
- it was a stillbirth
- yes it was full term
- yes it is sad

Sometimes it goes on, usually into nosy questions that strangers and new acquaintances really have no right to ask:
- can you have more?
- will you have more?
- how exactly did it happen? (sometimes followed by questions that start to go in the direction of trying to see if it was my fault)

I almost never get asked his name. I often say it and start calling him by name (he deserves recognition and acknowledgement of his person-hood), but it's almost always started by me. And that's why I'll usually ask other loss moms about their child's name.

I never, ever get asked questions about missing him. I never get asked questions about what he was like. People forget - or maybe haven't realized - that he lived (actively!!!) inside of me for many months before he died. Many people seem to subconsciously assume that because he never breathed, he never lived (and that is the legal definition, but boy did he LIVE inside me! He was so bouncy!).

It is important to note that in some cultures, the moment of official "life" is conception, others it's when the baby first moves (the "quickening"), others it's when the first breath is taken. One could even argue for various stages of development, such as the heart beating, or levels of brain development. The thing is, to a pregnant mother, regardless of the "official" moment of life, the baby is present in their lives before birth. They feel the baby moving and hiccupping, and the baby's reactions to outside stimuli (startlement, moving when there is noise or sound, or kicking when the mom sits in a position that gives the baby space or conversely restricts space).

So I want to tell you some of the stories I never get to talk about. The memories I have of the time when Charlie lived. The months in which I began to get to know him, and build hopes and dreams for him. I want to tell you about CHARLIE, not Charlie's DEATH.

I found out I was pregnant with Charlie on the day before my birthday, on the day we were having a small party with my family and best friend. We decided not to tell anyone yet, and we kept just looking at each other... we were fairly bursting! Afterward, my family and my friend told me they all had suspicions that something was up, and several of them had an idea of what it might be!

When Charlie started kicking, he quickly got really active and vigorous! He bounced and trounced and was so much fun, that we quickly started calling the baby "tigger" (we didn't know whether it was a boy or girl - we'd decided to keep it a surprise till his was born!). We kept calling the baby tigger through the whole pregnancy!

Did you know Charlie loved music?? That was probably one of the most remarkable things about him that we got to know. And he had impeccable taste! We didn't really know he liked music until we went to a concert of the Akron, Ohio symphony, at which Joshua Bell (famous amazing violinist) was soloing. Hubby and I were super excited, but I expected the baby to react to the timpani or maybe the full orchestra sections, since those are the parts that resonate through the body more. Instead, I found that during the solos of the famous violinist, I ended up very distracted, because the baby started dancing like crazy! He settled down during all other parts. He only liked solo world class violin!

A while later, on Mother's Day, my youngest sister (a violinist) was going to play a duet with a church handbell choir. I thought, based on our prior experience, that the baby would only react when my sister was playing alone. Wrong again! Apparently he loved violin AND bells. (It literally just occurred to me as I'm writing this, that at the concert he liked a violinist named Bell, and this time around it was a violinist and bells! HA!)

Because of these experiences, I was already imagining the baby becoming a musical toddler, and borrowing my sister's - his aunt's - 1/16th size violin from when she'd been young and begun playing. It is a future that I miss.

A particularly fun day was when the baby first visibly reacted to Daddy. We were at a civil war ball, and between things we were hanging out in the room. At one point the baby started moving, and I told hubby to come feel. Hubby started pressing a little bit harder, and baby kicked back! He played push-and-kick several times before the baby quieted down again!

After Charlie was born, we got to hold him for a day, and get to know the parts we couldn't before: his face, his body, his physical self.

But some of these I actually already knew! For instance, I didn't know how long his feet and toes were, but I knew they were strong - early on, he boxed with my ovaries, and later in pregnancy he would dig his feet in under my ribs into my liver and puuush!!

His feet were 3-1/2" long, and he had long fingers too.

I got to know his little nose, that was button shaped like mine, but had a strong straight bridge like Daddy's, so who knows who he would have grown up to look like? He had my small ears, not big ones like Daddy, and had some curl in his dark hair.


I don't have a ton of stories, but these are CHARLIE'S stories, like the ones everyone else tells about their children. I just don't ever get any new ones.
Please ask me about Charlie. I might tell the same stories over again, but to me, that is one of the few things I can do as his mom.
Thank you for listening.

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

New Years Resolutions

(Topic: Life after loss, grief, holidays)

Hi Friends,

I'm terrible at New Years Resolutions, and anyway, resolutions work better when you come to them bit by bit and work on them piece by piece.

But for fun, and for reflection, here are a few things that I'm currently working on:

1) Be patient with myself, and let my feelings be what they are.

I often "should" on myself - which means that I tell myself what I should do, what I should feel - when really I need to be patient and let myself get done what I can, appreciate what I have the energy to do, and acknowledge the feelings I have. (What naughty word does "should-ing" sound like? Does it sound like "should-ing" on yourself is a good idea???)

2) I will not let anyone's comments change how I honor my son and his memory.

Someone might be able to make a comment that hurts my feelings, but I will honor my own gut feelings and mama instincts in how I honor Charlie and his memory, and I will not let anyone change that (unless it's a good idea! In which case, bring it on 😊.)

3) I will also honor my physical self, and try to eat right and exercise more.

I know, this is on everyone's list. Here's specifically how I plan to do it: I will keep track of how much liquid I drink, and what I eat. I know from the past that if I hydrate well I feel better, and that if I track my food I tend to overeat less. I will walk more often, and once I've worked up to it a bit, I'll start walking 5K's again (only the ones with participation medals, though. If I don't get a Shiny at the end, there's not enough motivation for me!)

4) I will read.

Not more, not specific: I just challenge myself to read. Apparently many people struggle with reading after a grief event, and it hit me hard. For about a year I don't think I read anything longer than a short blog post. Then a librarian friend encouraged me and helped by vetting books so I wouldn't accidentally read something with triggers, and I found out that graphic novels and reading on a kindle work better for me than regular books (I haven't tried audio books yet). I don't read anywhere as much as I used to, but I now read again. So I will keep working on that. Follow me on Goodreads if you use it, if you want to see what I read - I will post on here about particularly interesting items, but not every book!


I feel like 4 is enough!! That gives me several things to work on as the year charges ahead. Comment below if you have a resolution that is life-after-loss related that you'd like to share!

Yours,

Sarah

To subscribe, find the "subscribe by email" note in the left column and enter your email there. Links to posts will be emailed directly to you whenever I post them! Nothing else gets emailed.

Resource list: Visit my spreadsheet at www.tinyurl.com/infantloss