Santa Pook

🎅

We were out getting a Christmas tree, tromping through the snowy tree field picking one out to cut, when hubby said that Pookie really needed a Santa hat. I agreed, and thought to myself that maybe I could pick one up at a dollar store.

Well...

I found some red fleece and an old sheepskin steering wheel cover, and got carried away...

I fitted it directly on him. It used about a half a yard of fleece, and I cut freehand based on the usual shapes of the pieces, using his measurements to guide me for the widths. I could have narrowed his pant legs a little more; on the other hand, his feet would be harder to get through! The pant legs are shaped normally, but there is an added semi-circle in the rear to accommodate his seat. The arms are plain tubes. The top is a little shaped around the armscyes, and is very short-waisted. The hat is a rectangle with triangles cut out of the top for shaping. And all of the fur edging - which was tricky to sew on! - is from the steering wheel cover. The belt is a ladies belt from Goodwill, much shortened.

Merry Christmas!

Sarah

Our Tiger Cub's Blanket

Dear Friends,

In my previous post about Dolly Parton, I mentioned that I had made a blanket, and that working on it helped me in my grief journey. This post is sharing that blanket!!

It is a cotton blanket, crocheted with just single crochet. The interest is in the variegated yarns and which colors I put where. I knitted a few things while pregnant, and started crocheting this blanket relatively later in the course of things. It was not yet done when we passed Charlie's due date, and it still wasn't done when we found out his heart had stopped, when he was born, and when he was buried.

The day we came home from the hospital, we sent the empty car seat home with my parents (I can imagine this must have been rough on them. I'm so grateful they were willing to take it out of my sight, though). Later, that day and over the next few days, I shoved some things in boxes, including a few unfinished projects, yarn, pattern books, and everything I had with them. Shoved them in, not really looking, knowing that going through it right then, or working on it, would hurt hurt hurt so much.

When we moved (about a month after his funeral), we took back the car seat and boxes, since we had a basement to stow them in. And months later, I don't remember what I was looking for... maybe a crochet hook or knitting needles that had been shoved in the box with everything else, or maybe I was cleaning up odd corners... I rediscovered these projects. And it was sad, and hard, but at this point I could at least look at the projects. I hadn't knitted, sewed, or crocheted anything in those months.

Looking into the box, the blanket spoke to me, and I felt like I should work on it. And picking that up, and deciding to finish the blanket for Charlie, woke my fingers back up to the soothing rhythm of handwork.

This is the blanket as it appeared before I packed it up, roughly at the spot where I stopped:

The red stripe was intended to be the midpoint. In fact, starting this blanket again, and finishing it, led me to do many more projects, attempt an Etsy shop, and join a knitting group that donates baby blankets to the local NICU.

This is the blanket, finished except for weaving in the ends:

The blanket is now stored in the box of Charlie's things, which includes a blanket made in his memory by someone in my knitting group, photos, papers, the funeral guest book, things with tigers on them, and many many other things that remind me of Charlie. Much of the clothing we bought and toys we got while I was pregnant I have set aside for possible future kids, as hand-me-downs from their older brother. I may discover that some of them remind me too much of my boy and need to be tucked away, but I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Here is a picture of the final, finished blanket:

Yours,
Sarah

P.S. Always feel free to pass along the link to the spreadsheet (www.tinyurl.com/infantloss) or tell people about this blog, if you think it will help them.

Movie Review: Dolly Parton's Coat of Many Colors

Hi Friends,

Not long ago, I was poking through the DVD options at the library, for something to watch while knitting. I do this often, and, as usual, came home with a handful of titles that caught my eye, some of which I was familiar with, and some of which just sounded interesting based on the blurb on the back of the case.

One of the movies I came home with is Dolly Parton's Coat of Many Colors. At the time, I did not realize that it had aired as a Christmas special, but that was only relevant to the intro where Dolly Parton introduced it. Click here to read the summary on IMDB

My review that follows WILL INCLUDE SPOILERS. I will discuss important plot points. If you want to watch it and be surprised, do not read further.

Pookie in Washington

New Hat!

Dear friends,

A few weeks ago, I got to take a business trip, and guess who came along??? Of course, Pookie spent much of the trip in the hotel room, but he enjoyed having one day out to see the sights in Washington, D.C.!

Figuring out transportation.

On a bus tour!

I made a specific request to go here. Pookie's Dad and Uncle Andrew posed here when they were kids!
[photo credit Ali Bryant]

Pookie learning about relativity. He says it makes perfect sense in Bear, but would be difficult to express in English.
[photo credit Ali Bryant] 

Mommy and Pookie in front of the reflecting pool.
[photo credit Ali Bryant] 

Pookie, Auntie Ali, and Mommy :) A kind stranger took this picture for us!
[photo credit Ali Bryant] 

And Pooks posing on his own.

Lincoln memorial was seriously crowded.

A favorite of mine, simply for the artistry and impact of the memorial. Pookie liked it too.

A rare shot of what it looks like when Pookie is posing!
[photo credit Ali Bryant] 

Isn't he cute???
[photo credit Ali Bryant] 

Here you can see the memorial a bit better.
[photo credit Ali Bryant] 

While I've seen the memorials quite a few times, Pookie has never been to Washington. We were in town with a friend who hadn't been to them since she was small, so showing Pookie was a great way for her to see them too!


Most sincerely yours,
~ Sarah

Infant loss resource document: www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Halloween Musings

Dear Friends,

This year I was really excited for Halloween. I felt like it was the first year I could really "do" the holiday, and hand out candy (I don't remember why last year didn't work). So I'd bought some webs to put up on my front bushes, and some candy to hand out. I was really excited when the conference I was going to allowed me to be home in time to participate! But I came down with a bug that kept me in bed for quite a few days, so I missed out completely 😟
I was even going to get Pookie dressed up. He'd gotten two ravens at a raptor rehab center gift shop, and he was going to be Odin (from Norse mythology) who has two ravens (Huginn and Muninn), and an 8-legged horse.

Why was I so excited? Why was I interested in participating, in something that many people consider normal? And a friend of mine recently asked for my perspective on Halloween, too, especially as regards costuming. So I'll try to give you a little background before I talk about my own position, so you can understand where I am coming from.

I grew up in a family where we didn't really do Halloween at all. There were a number of reasons for this, if I understand right (though you'd have to ask my parents to be sure!). First of all, it is an "eve" celebration of a Christian holiday (All Saints Day). So as I understood it, the idea was to keep the emphasis on the holiday, and not on the festivities the night before, which are much more non-Christian (i.e., traditionally called "pagan"). Another reason (and I slightly agree with this one), is that it is a begging holiday, and also has an aspect of threat built in, even if not usually acted on anymore: "trick OR treat". And I don't know if this is a reason my parents used, but I find it at least noteworthy: The original idea of dressing up on the eve of All Saints was to frighten bad spirits away, so the costumes would be pretty ghastly and horrible.

Taking all that in mind, you can understand that, as a child, I did not go trick-or-treating, and in order to make sure no-one would mistake our house for one that would give out candy, we made sure our porch light was off, the curtains were closed, and we were not to "be around" in such a way that someone might think they could come to our door. This usually meant that we could look out upstairs windows, but not downstairs ones. Keep in mind, this is how I remember it, so there may be some aspects that weren't quite as I think they were!

An additional reason that Halloween often meant staying in is that I grew up in a college town, which usually has a fair amount of drunken costumed carousing downtown and around the frat and student housing areas of town. While it's reasonably safe, at least as an adult, to be downtown early in the evening, it becomes much more crazy as the night goes on, and I was kept away from the craziness when I was young. When I was in college, I did go downtown a few times, but never saw the point in staying late. In fact, I once had to explain to a friend that the 6 or 7 people dressed in "matching costumes" were, in fact, actual riot cops!

When I was in my late 20s, I dated a guy with 2 young children, and taking them trick-or-treating was an amazing experience. I did dress up (why not??? And I'd met the guy at a Civil War reenactment). It was amazing, though, not so much because following kids around is fun, but because it was eye-opening into this aspect of American culture I had not heretofore experienced. There was a neighborhood camaraderie that I had not seen any other time of the year.

I repeated the experience a few years later with a different man, one I'd fallen in love with and married! We went out with his Godson and the Godson's parents and cousins. And in this case, I got to see what it was like when the home was hosting a Halloween party, and what it is like to walk with friends and have several excited small ones dashing about. This year was hard for us in some ways, because it would have been our son's first Halloween, and there was even a child who shared his name. But overall, I enjoyed the experience.

So fast forward a few more years, and I wanted to be the one in the house, and get to see my current neighborhood on the one day when everyone is outside and friendly.


I mentioned earlier that a friend had asked how my costume opinions figure in to how I feel about Halloween. So to wrap up this post, I'll let you in on that, too.

Basically, there aren't many occasions when one can wear costumes. Masquerade balls aren't common, costume parties aren't super common, and reenactment events are great, but they aren't at home. So on one hand, I'm all for using it as the one day a year it's ok to wear nearly anything. On the other hand, there is still a part of me that feels that the costumes ought to be scary (not that I do this...). And another part of me feels that if I wear my historical clothing (which is really more clothing  than costume in how it's made and worn), I feel like people don't understand. They expect a trope (witch, ghost, zombie), or a marketed character (Elsa, paw patrol characters, Superman...). They don't expect "I'm representing what a lady of my age and approximate economic standing would have worn in...". So I'm really of two minds. But I'm starting to enjoy Halloween simply as a carnival holiday, separated by years and many shifts in tradition from its origins as a pagan take on a Christian holiday.

Most sincerely yours,
~ Sarah

Infant loss resource document: www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Breastfeeding vs. Male Entitlement

So just recently, a friend of mine had an experience that made me upset (and her more so). She was told by a relative, who had not said anything prior to this, that breastfeeding in "public" (in this case, at his home) was not ok. Could she please be more discreet and do it in another room?

This troubles me on several levels. These are not listed in any particular order.

First of all, satisfying the male.
Second, removing the act from view, and non-normalization
Third, isolating the mother.
Fourth, ignoring the child's needs.
Fifth, making their protest age-dependent.

First: Satisfying the male.

Breastfeeding, by its very nature, is something only a woman can do. There might be isolated medical cases you can cite to the contrary, but under normal conditions, only a woman can do it. I believe that it is this reason, similar to menstruation, female orgasm, and masturbation, --- in other words, things that might be uncomfortable for a late 19th century male to think about --- that breastfeeding is a semi-taboo topic in our western American culture, and why, in our culture, we ALLOW men to "feel uncomfortable" around breastfeeding. And - here's the kicker - we allow that discomfort to tell us what to do. Why should a man's discomfort take precedence over the health and well-being of a child? A man would not force a 5 year old to drink apple juice in another room because "apple juice for a child makes him uncomfortable". The child needs fluids, and if the mother and father decide that their child needs a meal, or a drink, or other PARENTAL CARE - than it is not in the purview of another man to whine about their parenting and to force them to do it his way.

Second: Removing the act from view, and non-normalization.

If we persist in saying yes to these requests to satisfy these males' slight discomfort, and hide breastfeeding away in special "breastfeeding rooms" and bathrooms and bedrooms and under covers, then people don't get used to it. If people won't get used to seeing it, they won't get used to the idea that breastfeeding is a normal - in fact, the normal - way to feed children. It is ideal, in so many ways there is not room to list them all. Biologically, even the best formula doesn't live up to the adaptability of breastmilk, and the closeness and emotional stability nursing gives the child. So why do we not consider it to be the best way, and all others are good options for when breastfeeding is not possible, for whatever reason?

Third, isolating the mother.

By asking the mother to move, rather than letting her choose time, location, and level of coverage, the mother is left out of many activities and ends up very alone. If the mother chooses, then it is her choice, and she may be using the nursing time to have some quiet/alone time - and that's fine. But if it is forced on her, it becomes unwanted solitude. This is not fair to the mother, who is part of the society and community in which she is nursing, especially if it is her family or in-laws. And it is not fair to the child, either, especially if they are slightly older, since they learn that their way of eating, connecting with mom, and they themselves, are not welcome.

Fourth, ignoring the child's needs.

If a child has been raised as a breastfed child, no person (or man's) discomfort or request can take away that this is how the child is used to being fed, comforted, and hydrated. To make the request that the mother nurse the baby in another room could potentially cause the mother to put off the nursing session and delay the child's needs. This is not fair to do to the child.

Fifth, making their protest age-dependent.

This is a fascinatingly culturally dependent objection. Many people in the United States have come to realize that nursing for the first 6 months to 1 year is recommended by the medical community and may be a very good idea. What many Americans do not realize is that in many other cultures it is perfectly normal to breastfeed into toddlerhood, and not only gives them a healthy, safe food, it also gives them the haven of Mommy to come back to periodically while exploring the world. This makes the child more confident in their explorations and sure of themselves, if they have a safety net. The U.S. is not used to this idea. Unfortunately, many people - particularly males, interestingly - act ok with small babies breastfeeding, but start to act uncomfortable when the child gets older. However, the benefits to mother and child DO NOT CHANGE just because the child passes a birthday. The mother and child will wean when that mother and that child are ready. And it is NEVER the purview of a non-parent to object to the parenting choices of others.

PLEASE, friends, support all nursing moms. They are trying to give their babies the best, and do not need an entitled male to make the difficult job of parenting even harder.

Oh, and by the way: it's LEGAL, in all PUBLIC SPACES, in OHIO. So if anyone tells you you can't, at a place like a library, a mall, a restaurant, a park, etc: tell them that it actually is your right per Ohio Revised Code § 3781.55. So there.

Most sincerely yours,
~ Sarah

Infant loss resource document: www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

In the Right Place, At the Right Time

...Or, Why I Take Pookie With Me To Public Places

There are many reasons I take Pookie with me, the primary one being that I feel like I need a little one to hold, and/or the comfort of a stuffed toy. I'll sometimes take him just for company, but usually it's because I'm going somewhere that I expect to be confronted with topics that make me emotional or will at least bring sensitive topics to mind. And sometimes I just take him because it might be fun, or because I want Charlie represented.

The other night, however, we saw first-hand another reason, one that is actually just as important, and that I hadn't thought of. My husband and I were at a lecture by a vibrant pastor/theologian (Nadia Bolz-Weber, if you are interested), and while the point of the talk was not related to any usual triggers, I thought I might be better off if I had someone to hold, just in case.

(Click here for a link to a great podcast interview with Nadia Bolz-Weber)

As we came in, we saw the people we were planning to sit with, and found our seats. We were a little early, since we knew there was no assigned seating, and we also knew it was a sold out house! On the other side of us from our friends was an older lady. After Hubby got up to use the restroom, she turned to me and asked "What's the story of the bear?". I thought that was a nice way to ask about him, for sure! I told her that he represented our son Charlie, who died last year, and that the bear was weighted the same as our child... and so on. We ended up having a lovely conversation. One of her close relatives had recently miscarried, and so I was able to share our story, commiserate, talk about grieving relatives, and share resources.

At the end of the talk, Nadia Bolz-Weber gave a blessing that included, among many other things, mothers who had miscarried their babies, and death of loved ones, and several other items that hit close to my heart. By the end of the blessing I was weeping quietly on Pookie's head, holding him close and holding Hubby's hand.

The grandmother we had met - and the relative who had lost a child - thanked us afterward for sharing our story, resources, and our experience.

We shared our story because we feel - and we have experienced - that hearing that we are not alone on the journey of infant loss can be very comforting. We shared resources, because we want to use our tragedy to help others in any way we can. But most of all, we shared our experience. We all knew that our hearts were aching, each, individually, alone. But to share with someone who you feel will not judge you for it, I feel, lightens the ache ever so slightly. I hope that it did for that young mother and grandmother.

Pookie has a new mission. New job? Ambassador. Spokesman. He seems willing, and happy to share Charlie with the world.

Love to everyone whose heart aches.

Most sincerely yours,
~ Sarah

Infant loss resource document: www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

October

Friends,

October means a lot to many of those in the baby loss community, whether or not any personally significant dates for that family occur in this month.

October is infant loss awareness month, with the 15th being "remembrance day". So, there are more events, ceremonies, walks, etc. in October than most months. In fact, many hospitals host remembrance ceremonies where they read out names.

Did you know that about 1 of every 4 pregnancies will not result in a living child? And that about 1 of every 25 pregnancies will end in stillbirth?* That's a lot of affected families.

In fact, I'd like to invite you to participate in the "wave of light". At 7pm, in your own time zones, at your own locations, light a candle, or two or three, for babies that have died. Keep the candle lit for an hour. That way a wave of candle light will encircle the globe, remembering so many little ones who are loved and missed.

I know many families affected by this type of tragedy. My son is buried near 3 others who died before birth, I know of another handful not far off in the same cemetery, and that doesn't even include the specific section just for infants. 

 

If you know someone who has lost a pregnancy or very young child, has had a miscarriage, stillbirth, other fetal loss, SIDS death, NICU death, struggles with fertility, or any other way of losing their baby, please send them some love.

If you would like to do something more concrete, I know that many, but not all, families appreciate this. I, personally, love it when someone lets me know that they thought of Charlie. If you want ideas, I'm happy to chat with you. Also, remember that the fathers grieve too, and so do the child's grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings... The child was excitedly expected and looked forward to, and loved by many before they were born, and the same people love and miss the little ones... Each in their own way.

Lots of love this month,
~ Sarah

Infant loss resource document: www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

*These are commonly quoted statistics in the United States, referring to the United States. At some future point, I plan to have a have a post dedicated to understanding and being exact with statistics like these.

Museum of the Alphabet

On Monday, September 18th, my husband and I had the opportunity to visit The Museum of the Alphabet, outside of Charlotte, NC. In fact, we knew nothing about it before we got there, having found it by chance when looking for interesting museums to visit while we were in the area.

The museum is run by and associated with JAARS, ILS, and the Wycliffe Bible Institute. Essentially, the organization wants to be able to provide Christian Bibles to all peoples, and to do so, they sometimes have to help create alphabets and writing systems for languages that have heretofore been purely oral.

The museum appears to have been created to help educate the public about that last aspect of their work. Aside from a few instances where the museum leans biblical-literalist, the exhibits are fantastic and do a wonderful job of explaining how various cultures and individuals through the ages have invented or adapted ways of putting language into a written system. I had the impression that some of the staff's opinions were much more literalist, but the exhibits were fabulous.

The museum starts out with a short film, and then a staff member introduces an interesting steel sculpture of the tower of babel, representing how multiple languages formed on earth. This is the only exhibit where the display took the Bible completely literally; the remaining exhibits were based on language research and language history.

For instance, the lovely tree of written language evolution, shown here in a postcard I purchased from their little gift-nook (sorry the quality isn't high level. Wish I'd taken a picture myself. Basically, the top row is modern writing systems, and the branches show what was influenced by what other system or older form of the same system):

Once past that tree, the museum is divided into alcoves that each address a particular language or alphabet, and how their writing system came into existence and how it functions. There were also interactive portions, allowing you to answer questions, decode alphabets, or make sounds.

I was particularly fascinated by two exhibits, which I got permission to photograph:

This chart is a FABULOUS explanation of various things that affect the crazy English spelling! Each tree matches the color of the paragraph below, which explains the cause of that particular type of spelling change or effect on modern spelling, and the leaves give example words.

I also was fascinated by this one, explaining that Korean orthography is actually based on the physiology of sound production. I have not researched this myself, so I am dependent on the museum's research on this - but if this is true, this is awesome.

To return to my mention of Biblical influences, I would like to mention that each language exhibit has a Bible there, simply as an example of the orthography of that particular language. Given the purpose of the organization as a whole, I find this a completely reasonable example to have on hand.

The exhibit on Hebrew (the original form, not the modern form), posits that Moses himself came up with the alphabet when writing down the 10 commandments. Whether or not that is true, the concept that the ancient Hebrew alphabet came into existence in about that same era is still worth paying attention to.

Later exhibits focus more on the JAARS/SIL/Wycliffe work: since they are often working with languages that still have no written form. In these exhibits, there are examples of the linguistic work they do, which is fascinating to see! The linguists involved in this project learn the languages, try, at least in most cases, to find a writing system that will make sense with that language, and then also work on establishing and supporting literacy.

In all, this was a truly fascinating museum. It is small, but there is no entrance fee, and they do not accompany you on your tour, so you have as much time as you need and want to read all of the information - or to skip past it if you prefer!

Poem: Sadness isn't Catching

Shoe Rosettes

Hi Friends!

Over the past few years in my free time, I've been translating an instructional article from a German magazine called Der Bazar, which was published in the 1800s. This particular article, from 1861, explains how to make fancy bows ("rosettes") to put on women's slippers, shoes, and boots to make them fancy! Rosettes and cockades were worn to decorate items like shoes and belts for ladies, but also worn as brooches, memorial pins, or even political pins!

Here is the original (the text is on both pages; the pictures that go with the article are on the 2nd page):

My translation is below, for those of you who want to try it!

Most sincerely yours,
~ Sarah

Shoe Rosettes

With 10 illustrations

With this rich selection of rosettes we offer our readers the opportunity to do justice on their own to the elegance required by fashion in regards to one's chaussures.

We provide the rosettes in various levels, as well as their size and their original accoutrements -- from the simple little cockade to the trimming decorated with lace and pearls as befits the costly velvet mule, the bridal boot, or ball shoe. A few of the originals shown in the given illustrations are only fitting for this type or that type of footwear due to their style, as pointed out in the note given with the individual descriptions when appropriate; no footwear is out of the question for the use of the remaining rosettes. For indoor slippers or mules, as well as with boots that one wears to the theater, in the carriage, or with evening clothing, fashion dictates that rosette decorations are a color that contrasts with that of the shoe, yet is in harmony with the rest of one's toilette. With walking boots, though, choose trimmings that do not contrast.

No. 1 Rosette á la Pompadour

Materials: 90-100 cm black satin ribbon, 2 cm wide.

The ribbon specified above is basted into very small pleats and is set in a spiral onto a 4 cm round foundation, starting at the outside of the foundation in rows spaced as closely as possible, so that the pleated lines of ribbon stand up.

This rosette can also be made larger, in an oval shape, in which case the foundation is cut in the appropriate shape and, naturally, more ribbon is also used.

No. 2 Cockade Rosette

Materials: 40-44 cm black satin ribbon, 1 cm wide; one small steel buckle.

Lightly singe the ribbon, and tack onto a 3 ½ cm round foundation in 3 or 4 rows in a spiral; slide the buckle decorating the middle onto a smooth piece of the same ribbon.

No. 3 Rosette Impériale

Materials: 70 cm black lace, 2 ½ cm wide; 77 cm currant-red wired chenille; 19 middle-sized foam beads. *Translator's note: Schaumperlen is unclear. It could be foam beads or foam pearls. I mostly see this word used to describe seafoam, so I'm not sure what kind of bead it's referring to.*

Pleat the lace, and baste in 3 tiers in a spiral onto a 3 cm round foundation. Fasten 8 chenille loops between the first and second lace tier. Every loop should have a black foam bead in the middle. Fill in the center with a tuft of chenille loops, the outermost and innermost of which should likewise be decorated with beads.

No. 4 Rosette for Morning Shoes and Mules

Materials: 67 cm brown satin ribbon, 4 cm wide.

In terms of the arrangement of the 6 individual bows and both of the ends that comprise the trimming, we refer you to the illustration, since for this rosette, looking at it is the surest explanation. The bows appear to be held together in the middle with a loosely attached short ribbon loop, but you can pull this smooth through a wide curved buckle to give the whole thing the true character of a shoe rosette.

No. 5 Rosette, Noeud Papillon

Materials: 40 cm black satin ribbon, 1 cm wide; 20 cm of the same ribbon, 2 ½ cm wide.

To arrange this rosette, form 4 individual bows of a 5 cm ribbon length each, and tack these in a half circle to the foundation.  The inner decoration is a cockade made of the narrower ribbon, done just as in No. 2.

No. 6 Boot Rosette

Materials: 140 cm brown satin ribbon, 2 cm wide; a steel buckle.

The long, narrow shape of this rosette makes it suitable only for decorating boots. Cut the foundation for it in a tongue shape, 8 cm long, with one end 4 cm wide and the other end 2 cm wide, and rounded on both ends. Begin on the narrow end and attach the ruffle in two single rows, so that each forms a half circle. On the third row, which follows the second in the same shape, continue the ruffle straight away continuously around the wide end of the foundation and then towards the middle in spiraling oval rings, as far as it reaches. The empty space remaining within the ribbon decoration is covered with the buckle, drawn upon the remaining brown ribbon. The illustration will truly enlighten the understanding of the arrangement described here.

No. 7 Rosette, Noeud Papillon

Materials: 40 cm ponceau satin ribbon, 4 cm wide; 15 cm black lace, 3 cm wide; a small steel buckle. *Translator's note: ponceau appears to be a bright red-orange.*

Make 4 individual bows from the ribbon, each made from a 5 cm length; additionally, make 3 shell-shaped leaves, just like those given in the description of No. 11 — and arrange both sets on the foundation cut in the shape of the rosette — the 4 bows in a half circle on the outside, the 3 leaves in the middle, and the two separated by the black lace. The point where the 3 leaves meet is covered by the buckle drawn onto a piece of the ribbon. When placing this rosette, the straight flat side is put toward the top.

No. 8 Rosette for Morning Shoes and Mules

Materials: 78 centimeters gray taffeta ribbon, 2 to 2 ½ cm wide; 70 cm black lace of the same width.

The foundation of this rosette must be 6 ½ cm long, 4 cm wide, and in the middle, in the shape of the rosette, somewhat narrower. Form 12 individual bows, each made from a 5 cm length, and tack them to the foundation in threes on either side, in horizontal rows and alternating with a crinkled black lace. Fill the gap between these trimmings with 2 small bows set opposite, one pointing up and one down, and cover their attachment with a flat ribbon drawn through a curved buckle.

No. 9 Lace Rosette

Materials: 66 cm black lace, 2 ½ cm wide; a small piece of wide currant-red ribbon or silk cloth; a steel or bronze button.

Cut a 3 ½ cm round disc from strong paper, cover it on one side with lining gauze, and on the other with the colored silk cloth. Divide the black lace onto it in 2 pieces, one 23 cm long and one 43 cm long, and baste each piece in very small pleated folds. On the back, halfway up the width of the lace, draw a fine black silk thread through each pleat, to hold them in evenly in place. Set the longer of the two trimmings around the edge of the round piece, so that it extends beyond the edge by 2 cm all around. Pull the shorter trimming together into a rosette and place it in the center of the red backing, so that it it only appears through the airy lace background.

No. 10 Rosette with Tassels

Materials: 78 cm dark blue taffeta or satin ribbon, 2 ½ cm wide; 33 cm black lace, 3 cm wide; 7 cm very narrow black lace; 2 small blue silk tassels; one small steel buckle.

To make the 15 petals of the rosette, cut the blue ribbon into 5 cm pieces, leaving a 2 cm piece to secure the buckle. To make each individual petal, do the following: Fold both corners of the upper long edge down to the middle of the lower long edge, in opposite directions, so that you form a triangle. Turn the triangle over, and fold both corners from the sides down and somewhat overlapping, so that they extend beyond the bottom edge of the triangle, and so that the top forms the dahlia petals you can see on the illustration. Trim the points that overlap and point down, and fold the lower side corners to the back, so that the the petal gets narrower toward the bottom. Form all the petals in this way, and then decorate every one of them with 3 steel or gold beads in the top of the opening, which you string together and fasten with one vertical stitch. Baste the petals in 2 open circles onto a round stiff foundation you have cut from tulle, gauze, or linen, which has a diameter of about 3 cm, and on one side, following the shape of the rosette, it must be bent and flattened. The arrangement of the petals can be clearly seen on the illustration. Gather the wider lace and surround the rosette with it, by basting the lace to the back of the stiff foundation all the way around. The two tassels can either be thread-covered or made of creped silk. Fasten them in the middle of the rosette such that they hang down through the open side of the surrounding petals. Finish the entirety by taking the narrow lace, pull it together into a small rosette, tack it to the remaining space, and then slide the small horizontal buckle onto the piece of ribbon set aside for this, and fasten it on top. This rosette should be set upon the boot or shoe in such a way that the tassels fall toward the toe.

No. 11 Rosette à Coquille

Materials: 88 cm white satin ribbon, 2 ¼ cm wide; 38 cm white blonde, 2 ½ cm wide; a small steel buckle.

The shell-shaped leaves making up this rosette are folded individually from an 8 cm piece of the ribbon given in the “materials”. Lay the folds from the middle of the bottom edge diagonally toward the corners of the top edge, in 3 folds, first on one side, then the other, which simultaneously form the veins of the leaf and have to reach over one another somewhat in the middle of the leaf. Due to the folds in the middle, the leaf obtains a length of about 3 cm. Trim the bottom to form a straight line.

Cut foundation of this rosette in the shape of a heart, 4 cm tall and 5 wide, and then stitch down the white blonde along the outside edge in folds. On top of this, first place the 7 outer leaves and then the 3 inner leaves as seen in the illustration. A leaf also covers the center, and place atop it the buckle drawn onto a piece of ribbon in a contrasting color. Instead of a leaf, you can take the ribbon that is through the buckle, pull it tight, make a small bow, and stitch in the middle with the buckle. When placing this rosette on a shoe, the pointed side of the rosette should be on the lower side.

Diagnosis: Heartache, Chronic. Ok?

Dear Friends,

One of the things I'm learning (slowly) is to be patient with myself, and forgiving. I've never really been terribly patient! I'm sure if my parents are reading this, they're nodding along.

When it comes to grief, though, part of the "problem" that makes it difficult, is that there is no set of steps you follow, and there isn't an "other side" to come out on. You don't get to finish, check it off your list, and pat yourself on the back. I think our culture approaches grief like a scout badge: tick off the requirements, get the badge, and done! Never revisit it.

It doesn't help much to think of it as something like asthma, either, though that's a better analogy, since you don't usually "get over" asthma. However, with asthma, you can take medications to get rid of most of the symptoms, and, if your case is mild, you can pretty much ignore it as long as you take your meds.

What if, instead, we think of it as something like losing a limb? I don't personally have experience with that, but from what you hear, at first loosing a limb is a big deal. It hurts, it has to heal over, and you have to learn how to live without it. At first, you deal with thinking it's there, then realizing it's not. And as time progresses, you don't "get better" - it doesn't grow back, but you learn to live with your new way of being. You learn to do things around the house without that limb, and people you know learn what you are capable of and what you need help with, and learn to see you that way.

It's not perfect, because that is physical and visible. But at least, if it is like what I described, then grief is similar. I have had to learn who I am, both without Charlie, and with this feeling of loss, sadness, and new way of approaching life. I'm more anxious, more easily upset, and less sure of myself. That is just who I am right now. And it changes, as I experience things, and as time goes by. People I don't know, though, can't tell. They figure I'm hale and hearty and healthy! So sometimes, someone with grief puts on a mask of "I'm ok", but also is less patient when they don't fit the normal picture of "ok". I am ok, but I'm not always happy. I am ok, but I need time to be sad. I am ok, and part of that ok is being ok with my grief. I am not very patient with myself, since I no longer conform to non-grief ok. But I'm grief-ok, and I'm ok with that. Ok?

Lots of love,
~ Sarah

Infant loss resource document: www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Emotions & Childloss

Hi Friends,

I will again start this post with the caveat: This is MY experience, and others may perceive or experience grief differently from me.

I will start out by admitting I have always been somewhat of a dramatic person. I have always expressed feelings loudly and vehemently. I like to believe this is because I feel things intensely, and that it's not just me being loud! However, over the last 12 months, I have felt things to a depth I didn't experience before.

There are two feelings I want to talk about specifically, and a few others I will mention too.

Sadness (and guilt, and anger)

The sadness really didn't surprise me per se, but the intensity did. Early on after Charlie died, I would weep loudly and intensely, and it felt like I was turning inside-out. And when I wasn't weeping, I felt a heavy stone, deep under my sternum, of the sadness and loss. I felt shattered and broken, and there was a hole in my chest where I thought my love of Charlie was. I think it was actually the spot for Charlie's future... and it got mended by our love and grief for Charlie, which patch over the hole with scar tissue. It's not perfect, and it will never be the way it was before, but we function now better than we have in months. There is a slow healing which means we can still have life, and do things, and missing Charlie becomes a part of us, rather than the whole of us.

The sadness still sweeps me up, sometimes. When I am overwhelmed or tired, and if I don't realize I've been holding it back for a bit, there are still times I weep and wail so hard I feel like I will fly apart. But less and less frequently, as the months go by.

The guilt is a hard feeling to have. I don't feel a lot of guilt, as in our case, there is no mystery about what happened to Charlie and it was really chance and an accident... nothing anyone could do. But that doesn't mean that my irrational grief laden mind doesn't sometimes play tricks on me, and convince me that there was something I should have done, or that I had done something wrong. Talking this out with someone... a therapist, my mom, my husband, a friend... really helps. Especially if you can find a friend who has been through something similar and really understands what you're going through.

When the anger comes and yanks on my heart, it hurts. I get so mad - mad at circumstance, mad at the UNFAIRNESS of it all, that we WANTED Charlie so much and didn't get to bring him home and raise him and care for him, we don't get to see him learn to walk, get confirmed, convince us he's not in trouble, learn to swing, dance, sing, eat... it makes me so angry. Often this anger leads me right back to the sadness, though. There is no scapegoat, no-one at fault I can hate. Sometimes, though, when I encounter someone who says something incredibly insensitive, this little stone of anger may cause me to react more vehemently than I might have before.

Jealousy (also, magnetic babies)

This one isn't really surprising in hindsight, but really caught me off guard. Many loss mamas express a difficulty with being around babies at all. I had the opposite reaction... I have a hard time seeing other moms who get to have living babies, but I want to be as close to them as possible. Obviously I don't go up to strangers and ask to hold their babies. But if I'm in a social setting, I know where all the babies are in a room, how many they are, and probably roughly how old they are. If the mama offers the baby to me, I will HAPPILY hold it! Even if fussy or squirmy... I'll hold them all week, if you want. I find the weight and warmth of a baby extremely comforting, and soothing to my heart. Afterwards, I am often down or sad when I'm at home, and I know it is because it reminds me more loudly that I don't have Charlie to hold at home. But that doesn't mean I won't want to hold a little one!!!

When I am physically around babies, the jealousy exists, but is not strong. I just envy, a little. But if I am at home, and am on social media and someone announces a pregnancy or new baby, I hate them. I loathe them and their happiness, because I don't also have it. I obviously don't hate my friends, but in that moment, I do. Terribly strongly, just for that one reason. I hate them so much, because they have the very thing I wanted and I miss, and - unsurprisingly - after the wave of jealousy passes, I'm often back to the sadness.

As you might imagine, this emotional roller coaster can be exhausting. I know each person experiences it differently, and has different things that trigger the strong emotions. But in most of the conversations I have had, loss mamas and papas have strong emotions similar to these. And loss relatives, like loss grammies and loss grampies, aunts, uncles, and so on, all have rough feelings they ride out as well. Please, don't assume I'm non-functional, but be aware that some experiences can be hard or exhausting. Treat each other gently, with love.

Most sincerely yours,
~ Sarah

Infant loss resource document: www.tinyurl.com/infantloss

Baby Tree

Hi Friends,

When Charlie was newly born and we were getting gifts after the funeral, we got a few that were not tangible. They were really wonderful, too! For instance, one person bought a star in his name, so we got a certificate and a star map to show us where it is (it's a dim star in the constellation of Cassiopeia).

One person bought us a tree --- but not for us, or our yard, or even for a park near here. Instead, they bought it through Trees For Change in Charlie's name, and it's planted in an area that needs replanting. When I first got the certificate and then looked up the website, it told me that his tree would be placed in Tahoe National Forest, and that it would be a local variety, likely a pine or spruce.

And on June 21st of this year, 1 year and 2 days after Charlie's birthday (less than a year after the tree was bought, though), I got an email with information about the batch of trees that was just planted, including Charlie's tree.

So I'm sure now you want to see pictures of the cute baby trees!
Information page
Cute baby trees! And the burned forest that they are going to help regrow
Planting location map
Directions to visit the trees

Most sincerely yours,
~ Sarah

Infant loss resource document: www.tinyurl.com/infantloss